RE: Final Fantasy VII Remake

So it’s been about two weeks since I finished Final Fantasy VII Remake.  Guess I’d better commit my thoughts to digital paper, huh?

Here’s the burning question, asked (metaphorically) to someone with a reputation for slamming modern Final Fantasy games: what do I think of it?  Is it good?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

So I’ve been playing Final Fantasy VII Remake.

Actually, let me rephrase that.  I’ve been playing Final Fantasy VII Remake, so much so that (I assume) the next time I sit down with it, I’m going to clear the game.  My total play time is something around 41 hours so far, having put in some legwork to wrap up as many sidequests as possible -- both for the sake of not missing any extra/story content, and in the (likely) event that this is the first and last time I’ll ever do a full run.  I think I’ve made enough of an effort and spent enough time with the remake to be moderately credible when it comes to saying anything of substance about it.  I know the ins and outs.  I know the score.

Given that -- and given my reputation -- what do I think of FF7R?  I think…that I’m not going to say a word until I finish it.

That’s getting harder and harder to do by the day.  I have some things to say about it.  Until then, though?  There are other miscellaneous thoughts I can go over.  Enjoy.  (If you can.)

Teppen! But Also, Housekeeping (and Indignation)

I can’t think of a lot of games that I’ve fallen for so quickly, but wouldn’t you know it?  Teppen is one of them.  And to think it’d not only be the very first mobile game I’ve talked about on this blog, but the very first mobile game I’ve ever owned.  Well, besides some Tetris/Pac-Man hybrid built into this one phone I had a geologic age ago.

So let’s talk about Teppen.  Briefly.  Because God forbid, I get to talk about something I actually like and/or can be positive about.

Final Fantasy VII Remake feat. Tifa (feat. Technical Difficulties)

It was either a post on the Final Fantasy VII Remake -- or the first part of it, at least -- or another one on Smash Ultimate.  Trust me, it was a dead heat right up to the finish line.

Also, I should probably talk briefly about that time my computer temporarily died.  So let’s get stuck in.

Final Fantasy VII: Weapon-Stomping Edition

So I beat Emerald Weapon for the first time in my life (and a good 22 years after other gamers had long since succeeded).  Might as well use this time to talk about Final Fantasy 7 to celebrate.

Not like there’s anything else related to the game going on right now.

Does Square-Enix Hate Women? -- ACT II

I don’t know what’s worse -- the fact that this is the second time I’ve thought to write this post, or the fact that (thanks to Final Fantasy 7, of all things) I feel like I understand the Squeenix collective’s method to their madness.  

Send help regardless.

All right, in order to write this post, I’m going to have to be pretty freakin’ cavalier with spoilers on multiple Final Fantasy games, and several Kingdom Hearts games as well -- including KHIII.  Then again, all of those games but one are at least a few years old by now, sooooooooooooooooooooo…you’ll live.  Probably.  

So I’ve been playing Final Fantasy 7, and…

This is a weird feeling.  

Usually when I bring up Final Fantasy on this blog, it’s to let my scorn and rage flow forth unimpeded.  In the wake of the Switch port of Final Fantasy 7, that’s not the case.  So let me be as upfront as I can right off the bat: yes, this is a good game.  Yes, it still holds up.  And speaking personally, I may like it (or at least respect it) a bit more than when I last played it.

By extension?  I’m glad I’m not on the Squeenix payroll, as a code-spewing grunt, a suited overlord, or anything in between.  If I was, I would be completely, utterly, irrevocably, justifiably, eternally embarrassed.

Let’s discuss Devil May Cry V (feat. Kingdom Hearts III)

Never thought I’d see the day.

It kind of makes sense, though.  If you blur your eyes a little, then coat them with Vaseline, put on a blindfold made of thumb tacks, and dip your head in a vat of jalapeno pepper juice, then you could maybe mistake Devil May Cry V for Kingdom Hearts III.  Or, if that’s a bridge too far, then just remember that these two, long-awaited, high-profile releases came out in a relatively narrow window of time.  And on top of that?  Pared down to the ABSOLUTE basics, they have the same genre of gameplay.  

True, DMCV isn’t an action RPG.  KHIII isn’t a character action game.  But on the lowest fundamental level, there’s some overlap.  The former does have its share of character customization and leveling up, after all.  The latter does pit you against hordes of dark forces with a slew of crazy abilities at your disposal.  But before you come at me, let me elaborate: the devil’s in the details.  Even though both games have different objectives and roadmaps to follow, the craft behind one puts it roughly 1.3 billion steps ahead the craft (and existence) of the other.

So pardon me, KHIII fans, but I’m going to have to use Squeenix’s latest as a whipping boy to prove my point conclusively.  And get one step closer to talking about KHIII’s story, because HOOOOOOOOO-LEEEEEEE SHIT.

Savior!  Bloodstained!  Hellfire!  Shadow!

SPOILERS on a landslide!

Savior!  Bloodstained!  Hellfire!  Shadow!

SPOILERS on a landslide!  (For real, though.)

Kingdom Hearts Voltimania: Kingdom Hearts III (Part B)

“I’m not saying [Kingdom Hearts III] is the game of the year.  But it’s inching toward that point.  Slowly.”

--Me, last week

“Okay, yeah, no, this is not the game of the year and never will be.”

--Me, this week

Welp.  Here we are again.  How about another wrestler theme for the books?

Kingdom Hearts Voltimania: Kingdom Hearts III (Part A)

What a long and strange road it’s been.  But now it’s over.

It’s here.  It’s finally here.

Kingdom.  Hearts.  III.

Let’s go.

Kingdom Hearts Voltimania: -A fragmentary passage- (Part 2)

Anybody else getting heart palpitations over the impending, full release of Kingdom Hearts III?  I know I am.

Hard to believe that the day’s almost here -- less than a week, by the time this post goes up.  Anyone who’s excited is justified in the hype.  Anyone who’s disdainful is justified in the skepticism.  I think that, speaking personally, my MO for now is to go in with the mindset that it’s a new day and a new game.  Clean slate.  Breathe deep, play, and enjoy.  Or…try to enjoy.  There are dozens of ways for the game to go wrong, but the only way to know for sure is to face it head-on.  Because if nothing else?  If we’re lucky -- if we’re blessed by the overlords at Squeenix Keep -- this storyline is going to have a definitive end.  The slate’s going to get even cleaner.

We’ll see what the future holds.  But before that, there’s one more thing we -- or I -- have to do.  Let’s talk about Kingdom Hearts 0.2.

…Featuring the only wrestler theme song that can possibly fit the context.  Inasmuch as a wrestler theme song can.

Kingdom Hearts Voltimania: -A fragmentary passage- (Part 1)

All right, let’s cut straight to the artery of this thing.  The official title is Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep: -A fragmentary passage-, but I’m never going to call it that in full because 1) it’s clumsy at best, 2) it has Birth By Sleep in the title, which makes me wretch, and 3) the game’s timeline is all over the place, so “0.2” is only somewhat fitting.  I mean yeah, its 0.2 plus the compilation’s 2.8 equals 3, but it’s not as if KHIII made it on time.  And even with the two PS4 compilations -- The Story so Far notwithstanding -- there’s still nothing pertaining to Unchained/Union X save for Back Cover.  Which is…inadequate, to say the least.

This is a lot of talk about meaningless garbage to start off a post that focuses on 0.2’s gameplay.  So I guess I’ll go ahead and get focused.  And also, decide to alternate between calling it 0.2 and what it really is, AKA Kingdom Hearts III: Ground Zeroes.  And also also, embed another wrestler’s theme.  Because if it’s worth doing twice…

Kingdom Hearts Voltimania: Dream Drop Distance (Part 2)

Before I do anything else, I’m going to say some nice things about the story in Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance.  Because despite everything else in summation rivaling a Class 5 Shitstorm, there are some nice things I can say.  And I can’t let this post get too negative.

Before that, though, let’s have another wrestler theme.  Who have we got today?  Hmmmmmmmmmmm…

Kingdom Hearts Voltimania: Dream Drop Distance (Part 1)

Let’s start 2019 off right [citation needed] -- with a big dumb post on Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance.  Because we’re less than a month away from the fated release of Kingdom Hearts III, and…well, in order to know where we’re going, we have to know where we’ve been.  Fingers crossed that neither route leads to the edge of a steep cliff.

Also, let’s go ahead and pretend the title of this miniseries is a clever play on KH Ultimania, i.e. the Japan-only (naturally) information books/strategy guides tied to the series.  Not so much Hulkamania, for myriad reasons.

That said, I’ll gladly use this chance to embed Hulk Hogan’s classic theme song.

Final Fantasy: All the Bumblers

Hmm.  Let’s see.  I could do another relevant, incisive, and heartfelt post on politics.  Or, alternatively, I could dump all over a franchise that’s way too easy to make fun of, yet draws my eye and ire every time because of a worthless vendetta I have against one of gaming’s most beloved brands.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  Tough choice.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Oh, wait.  It’s not a tough choice at all.  Gather around, children, for today is a glorious day.  Come, take a seat around the campfire as Grandpappy Voltech blathers on about Final Fantasy.  Again.  Because it’s what you crave, presumably.

Shower Thoughts with Octopath Traveler (Part 1)

It’s been about three months since Octopath Traveler came out, and…I have mixed feelings.

I’m still playing the game, so that’s something.  I’ve logged more than 55 hours, not counting the time lost via total party wipes and the ensuing, dreaded Game Over.  Thus far, I’ve finished the paths of three characters -- Ophilia, H’aanit, and Primrose, in that order -- with Tressa not far behind.  The plan, such as it is, is to ride the game out to its conclusion.  Given that my main team has an average level of 52, I’d wager I can steamroll the chapters/bosses I’ve left undone for ages.  Everyone on Olberic’s path is gonna get bodied once I start it in earnest.

I’m looking forward to playing more Octopath.  But I’m also dreading playing more Octopath.

Like I said, I have mixed feelings.  And part of those mixed feelings include me waiting eagerly for the next Tales game.  (Besides that one.)

Kingdom Hearts (still) makes me sad and mad.

So I’m committed to the title of this two-parter (I pretty much have to, since there’s one already in the books), but there’s a question that needs to be answered. At the end of the day, does Kingdom Hearts make me sadder than it does madder?  Or does it make me madder than it does sadder?  Let’s start with a preliminary test.

*googles Kingdom Hearts Recusant’s Sigil*

*inarticulate groaning*

Kingdom Hearts makes me sad and mad.

Okay, so I know I already did a couple of posts a few months back explaining that I still like Kingdom Hearts despite everything.  I mostly stand by what I said back then.  But, well, that was months ago.  This is now.  So let’s get into it again.

*sigh* Friggin’ Squeenix, man.

RE: Octopath Traveler

I’ll start this off by saying that I picked Ophilia as my main character in Octopath Traveler -- in the demo, which carried over to the full game.  I’m not regretting my choice.  The plan was to do a little revisionist history for Final Fantasy X, I.e. having Yuna and the pilgrimage be front and center instead of Tidus and…everything else.  For sure, the idea of playing as a cleric out on a sacred quest to perform a ritual in her family’s stead is an interesting one you don’t see very often in games, and I wanted to experience that for myself.

Imagine my surprise, then, when -- within a 10-hour span of real-world time -- my innocent, noble cleric has befriended a hunter who sics her giant snow leopard on feeble townsfolk, abetted a thief in his trespassing and attempt at grand larceny, and stood idly by while a merchant spiked a band of pirates’ wine with drugs -- which could have gone south real fast if she’d used poison instead of sleeping herbs.  Also, she’s friends with a not-quite-but-close-enough-to-it stripper, who went on to kill her boss.

This game is kind of amazing.

Kingdom Hearts III NEEDS A Goofy Movie World (Part 3)

Would it be too untoward of me to use the meme of the month…okay, last month…ish…to summarize the mission of this series of posts as well as artificially generate hype through an easily-repeatable phrase?  Yes, inevitably.  On the other hand, it’s still pretty funny.  So let’s go once more.

Kingdom Hearts III.

A Goofy Movie.

CAN’T ESCAPE FROM CROSSING FATE