Kingdom Hearts III: A Very Special Post

So I had to put my dog to sleep, and it got me thinking about Kingdom Hearts III.  As it should.

Kingdom Hearts Voltimania: Kingdom Hearts III (Part A)

What a long and strange road it’s been.  But now it’s over.

It’s here.  It’s finally here.

Kingdom.  Hearts.  III.

Let’s go.

Kingdom Hearts Voltimania: -A fragmentary passage- (Part 2)

Anybody else getting heart palpitations over the impending, full release of Kingdom Hearts III?  I know I am.

Hard to believe that the day’s almost here -- less than a week, by the time this post goes up.  Anyone who’s excited is justified in the hype.  Anyone who’s disdainful is justified in the skepticism.  I think that, speaking personally, my MO for now is to go in with the mindset that it’s a new day and a new game.  Clean slate.  Breathe deep, play, and enjoy.  Or…try to enjoy.  There are dozens of ways for the game to go wrong, but the only way to know for sure is to face it head-on.  Because if nothing else?  If we’re lucky -- if we’re blessed by the overlords at Squeenix Keep -- this storyline is going to have a definitive end.  The slate’s going to get even cleaner.

We’ll see what the future holds.  But before that, there’s one more thing we -- or I -- have to do.  Let’s talk about Kingdom Hearts 0.2.

…Featuring the only wrestler theme song that can possibly fit the context.  Inasmuch as a wrestler theme song can.

Kingdom Hearts Voltimania: -A fragmentary passage- (Part 1)

All right, let’s cut straight to the artery of this thing.  The official title is Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep: -A fragmentary passage-, but I’m never going to call it that in full because 1) it’s clumsy at best, 2) it has Birth By Sleep in the title, which makes me wretch, and 3) the game’s timeline is all over the place, so “0.2” is only somewhat fitting.  I mean yeah, its 0.2 plus the compilation’s 2.8 equals 3, but it’s not as if KHIII made it on time.  And even with the two PS4 compilations -- The Story so Far notwithstanding -- there’s still nothing pertaining to Unchained/Union X save for Back Cover.  Which is…inadequate, to say the least.

This is a lot of talk about meaningless garbage to start off a post that focuses on 0.2’s gameplay.  So I guess I’ll go ahead and get focused.  And also, decide to alternate between calling it 0.2 and what it really is, AKA Kingdom Hearts III: Ground Zeroes.  And also also, embed another wrestler’s theme.  Because if it’s worth doing twice…

Kingdom Hearts Voltimania: Dream Drop Distance (Part 2)

Before I do anything else, I’m going to say some nice things about the story in Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance.  Because despite everything else in summation rivaling a Class 5 Shitstorm, there are some nice things I can say.  And I can’t let this post get too negative.

Before that, though, let’s have another wrestler theme.  Who have we got today?  Hmmmmmmmmmmm…

Kingdom Hearts Voltimania: Dream Drop Distance (Part 1)

Let’s start 2019 off right [citation needed] -- with a big dumb post on Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance.  Because we’re less than a month away from the fated release of Kingdom Hearts III, and…well, in order to know where we’re going, we have to know where we’ve been.  Fingers crossed that neither route leads to the edge of a steep cliff.

Also, let’s go ahead and pretend the title of this miniseries is a clever play on KH Ultimania, i.e. the Japan-only (naturally) information books/strategy guides tied to the series.  Not so much Hulkamania, for myriad reasons.

That said, I’ll gladly use this chance to embed Hulk Hogan’s classic theme song.

Go play The MISSING. (Also, writing junk.)

Now, I don’t want to oversell the game, but let me say this about The MISSING: J.J. Macfield and the Island of Memories. Its greatest sin is that it released in the same year and quarter as Super Smash Bros. Ultimate -- because if it chose any other time period, then it would probably, if not easily, be my Game of the Year.

I mean, it’s not perfect.  There are some technical issues (on the Switch, at least), a decent chunk of the puzzles are surprisingly basic (except for one at the end involving a big shoe), the voice acting occasionally reaches a point where main heroine JJ is channeling the spirit of Tommy Wiseau, and…yeah, I can see the general length of the game -- or lack thereof -- being a sticking point for gamers that want bang for their buck.  Then again, my $30 got me about 8 hours of entertainment, so your mileage may vary.  Also this is both a complaint and a compliment: this game really pops off in the final act or so, meaning that the ending is…yikesy mikesy.

I’ll probably talk more about the game another day, but for now?  Buy it, watch an LP, read up on it, consume it however you can.  Now let’s spend the rest of this post talking about big dumb writing projects.

Kingdom Hearts (still) makes me sad and mad.

So I’m committed to the title of this two-parter (I pretty much have to, since there’s one already in the books), but there’s a question that needs to be answered. At the end of the day, does Kingdom Hearts make me sadder than it does madder?  Or does it make me madder than it does sadder?  Let’s start with a preliminary test.

*googles Kingdom Hearts Recusant’s Sigil*

*inarticulate groaning*

Kingdom Hearts makes me sad and mad.

Okay, so I know I already did a couple of posts a few months back explaining that I still like Kingdom Hearts despite everything.  I mostly stand by what I said back then.  But, well, that was months ago.  This is now.  So let’s get into it again.

*sigh* Friggin’ Squeenix, man.

Kingdom Hearts III NEEDS A Goofy Movie World (Part 3)

Would it be too untoward of me to use the meme of the month…okay, last month…ish…to summarize the mission of this series of posts as well as artificially generate hype through an easily-repeatable phrase?  Yes, inevitably.  On the other hand, it’s still pretty funny.  So let’s go once more.

Kingdom Hearts III.

A Goofy Movie.

CAN’T ESCAPE FROM CROSSING FATE

Do it for Her, or Whatever -- ACT I

Alternate post title: Do it for Her, Even if it’s the Stupidest Thing Ever

Kingdom Hearts III NEEDS A Goofy Movie World (Part 2)

Akihiko, you wanna take this one?

*hurriedly links to relevant video*

Ah, yes.  That’ll do.

It's been a while since the first post on the subject, so let’s not delay any longer.  I don’t expect there to be a world based on A Goofy Movie in Kingdom Hearts III, even if it gave Squeenix the “justification” to pack in some extra DLC.  So barring some miracle shot out of a cannon from Mount Olympus, getting that world is nothing but a fever dream.  But since we’re dealing with hypotheticals, the question remains: how do you do it?  How do you squeeze that world in?

Luckily, I have an answer.  Here’s how I would handle it if someone was brave enough…crazy enough…?  Well, something enough to toss me the keys.  Let’s get in there.

Kingdom Hearts III NEEDS A Goofy Movie World (Part 1)

I just love how this started off as a joke post, then became a hypothetical Top 10 list of worlds that need to show up in Kingdom Hearts III (which would cap off with a joke), and finally morphed into something serious.  So here I am, going all in.  And yes, you read that title right.

Nothing would make Kingdom Hearts III better than having a world based on A Goofy Movie.  This is the hill I’ve chosen to die on -- and now it’s time to explain why.

With audiovisual aids, of course.  How else can I take advantage of the medium?

Kingdom Hearts III Gameplay Press Event Analysis For Blogging

Welcome back to Cross-Up, your number one stop for Kingdom Hearts posts, lore, content, and of course, those killer strats!  Be sure to give that Follow button a click, and like me on --

Wait, hold on.  *checks how many blogs there are for Kingdom Hearts*

Oh, now this is a fool’s errand.  I’m gonna have to fold on being the number one -- so let’s just focus on that new Kingdom Hearts III gameplay and never speak of my rank.  It’ll make us all happy in the long run.

On Kingdom Hearts and Planning Ahead

For the record: yes, I know that there’s new footage of Kingdom Hearts III, yes, I’ve seen it, and yes, I think it’s good.  I thought about doing a post on it immediately, but there was something else I wanted to toss up first.  Also, I don’t want this to become a Kingdom Hearts blog, even though it’s pretty much going to once I start uploading the content from 2.8.

Then again, I’m putting Kingdom Hearts in the title because I have a hunch nobody will read or care about this unless I do so.  Given that?  Have a taste of the ultimate clickbait.

…Featuring [REDACTED] from the Kingdom Hearts series.

RE: Kingdom Hearts 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue HD

So I finished Kingdom Hearts 2.8, and to say that I have mixed feelings would be an understatement the size of a blue whale on steroids.

I Still Like Kingdom Hearts, Despite Everything (Part 2)

I’ve been thinking about this before I started playing Kingdom Hearts 3D the other day, but now that I’m back in, I feel like I have to ask:

Is it just me, or is Sora the cause of countless problems in the canon?

I Still Like Kingdom Hearts, Despite Everything (Part 1)

Alternate post title: I Still Like Kingdom Hearts, Despite Itself.

…Part 1.

Kingdom Hearts 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue Colon Trailer Analysis for Blogging

The back half of this post’s title is mine, albeit one that’s a spin on the Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie.  The front half is actually the name of an upcoming game…and it makes my soul hurt.

Admittedly -- and I know this isn’t fair, but work with me here -- the mere existence of this game makes my soul hurt.  Oh, look, it’s an HD uptick for Dream Drop Distance.  I’ll say upfront that I haven’t played that one or watched a full LP, mostly because of a sore lack of interest.  But maybe once this new edition comes out, I’ll give it a try.  The problem is that if I do, it’d mean getting into the rest of what the package offers.  That is to say, it means more nonsense strapped onto a franchise long since brought to its knees by nonsense, drivel, and Tetsuya Nomura’s machinations.

It’s like…I remember Kingdom Hearts 1, and I enjoyed it when I first played it (long after its release, but whatever).  It made me a fan of the franchise.  And when I replayed the game a few years ago, I realized that not only does it hold up, but it’s also probably one of the strongest entries in the whole thing -- or at least my favorite of the bunch.  Just like the infamous theme song says, it was simple and clean.  Well, relatively speaking, but it still told a mostly-concise, mostly-direct story worthy of both the Disney and Final Fantasy names.

But that was a long time ago.  And what do we have now?  Kingdom Hearts 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue.  So let’s talk about the trailer before I just go “fuck everything”, wither into a husk, and drift away on the wind.

What Does Disney Mean to You?

Has anybody reading this seen that movie Frozen yet?

The most I’ve seen of it outside of a couple of commercials (I only paid half my attention to, a poster, and maybe an online ad is Bob “MovieBob” Chipman’s review -- and the way he talked about it, it’s very nearly a revelation.  Obviously, reviews are only a suggestion of quality and not a confirmation of it, but I tend to take MovieBob’s words very seriously. 

Even if I didn’t, I have to admit I’m kind of interested in the movie.  I didn’t go see Tangled in theaters, but when I watched it on TV sometime later, I asked myself if I’d made a mistake in missing out.  Though I find it odd that they didn’t just call it Rapunzel instead of Tangled.  And why the poster has the Dreamworks Face in full force.  And now that I think about it, I wonder why promos for Frozen -- which could/should have been called The Snow Queen -- are more eager to show off a cloying mascot character instead of giving any indication as to the real meat of the movie, i.e. the depth that’s apparently a major part of what makes it actually…you know, good.   But what do I know?  I’m no Walt Disney.  Then again, I don’t have to be.   

It’s been a while -- no, this is probably the first time I’ve ever put any thought into Disney as a whole, but this is as good a time as any to challenge my perspective.