Kingdom Hearts (still) makes me sad and mad.

So I’m committed to the title of this two-parter (I pretty much have to, since there’s one already in the books), but there’s a question that needs to be answered. At the end of the day, does Kingdom Hearts make me sadder than it does madder?  Or does it make me madder than it does sadder?  Let’s start with a preliminary test.

*googles Kingdom Hearts Recusant’s Sigil*

*inarticulate groaning*

Xenoblade Chronicles 2: A Very Special Post (Part 1)

Hey, Xenoblade Chronicles 2.  I have a question for you.  You know that old taunt “Well, if you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?”  Why aren’t you adapting and using that in your game?

Actually…why don’t any games really adapt and use it in their games?  

I don’t know.  That’s probably a question worth pondering from here on out, but it’d expand the scale of this little argument to something the size of a dissertation, so let’s focus on this game for now.  Otherwise, we'll be here for a million billion years -- and since I'm technically still on hiatus, I shouldn't even be bothering with this.  Yet here I am regardless.

Why?  I dunno.  Everyone needs an outlet for their rage.  I guess this is mine.

THINK YOU CAN TAKE ME?  

(And my spoilers.)

DON’T FORGET ME!  

(And these spoilers.)

On Danganronpa V3 and Spoiler Culture

*sigh*

All right, Danganronpa.  I’m starting to get a little pissed off here.

47 Ronin -- An Emergency PSA

I like how as soon as I try to put the blog on hiatus, I end up seeing a movie so bad that it drags me back in.  I feel like one of those guys in an action movie who gets pulled in for “one last job” and it ends with a death toll in the dozens.  Still, that’d make for a better movie than this.  When the most interesting part of the movie is when the theater has technical difficulties and the film starts glitching out like a sputtering GameCube disk, you know your time has been well spent.

So yes, the movie’s pretty terrible and I hate it, so let’s talk about why.  But quickly.  Because I want to do something fun, like not think about this movie.  Also, because I’m dumb.

Also, don’t see this movie.

Spoilers incoming, but…look, just do what I didn’t and go see Frozen or something.

Let's discuss Family Guy (THE FINALE).

I guess I should probably mention that I’m the Mookie King.

My class and I were on a field trip to a three-day camp adventure so that hopefully us kids would gain a better understanding and appreciation of nature (you can probably guess how well that went).  On the first night, the kids in my group -- about thirty strong, if I remember right -- gathered outside with one of the camp counselors to play a game of “Mookie”.  The rules are simple: one person gets pulled out of a line of competitors, and has to stand his ground amidst his rivals and their attempts to make him laugh by saying “Mookie” as hilariously as they can.  If the single person doesn’t laugh, he moves down the line.  If he does, he goes into the line and loses his chance at winning the game -- at becoming the glorious, undisputed “Mookie King.”

I was somewhere near the start of the line -- second, maybe third -- but I played the game well.  I covered my face with a hat (in retrospect, building up anticipation) and then let it rip.  So I took the hotspot, and had a chance at winning the whole thing…assuming, of course, that I could clear some twenty-eight additional attempts, including the camp counselor.  As it turns out, it was a lot easier than I expected.  Nobody could get me to laugh.  Nobody.  The camp counselor -- who I rightly assumed would be my greatest challenge by virtue of commanding the game for years -- got a slight smile out of me, but that was it.  I probably freaked him out a little.  “How could there be a kid who didn’t laugh?” he must have thought.  “He must be a very sad child.”

No, I don’t think that’s the case.  Maybe it was just a signal -- early proof that I had needlessly-high standards.  I don’t think I’m funny, that much I’m sure of no matter how many people disagree.  But by the same token, I’m not usually the laugh-out-loud type, or even the laugh-at-all type.  I LOVE How I Met Your Mother, but even on its best days it’s barely gotten a chuckle out of me.  It’s not that I don’t think it’s funny; it’s just that whatever mechanisms there are that make people want to laugh (or even smile), I might be lacking.  It probably has something to do with me getting into my dad’s beer can when I was three, but whatever.  I’m sure that didn’t have too serious of an effect on me.

Now, you might be wondering what this little story has to do with Family Guy.  And the answer to that is…it doesn’t have anything to do with Family Guy.  I just thought I’d offer something that’s only tangentially related to the post at the beginning, because A) I do that a lot, in case you haven’t noticed, B) maybe it’s an insight to the madness of King (but not really King) Voltech, and C) it’s about to get worse.

It always gets worse.

Let's discuss Family Guy (Part 3).

All right.  Now let’s talk about The Simpsons for a bit.

Like I said before -- maybe against my better judgment -- I’m one of those terrible creatures that still think The Simpsons is still funny.  It’s not the funniest show ever, mind you, and not always on-point; I’ll go ahead and mirror the sentiment that the show in recent seasons is at its worst when it goes on at length about modern technology (because those things and their usage tend to make fun of themselves).  But for what it’s worth, when it’s on I’ll gladly watch it. 

Still, there’s one thing that I want to bring up.  I think The Simpsons is still funny, but sometimes I don’t feel like people are thinking about the show’s quality in the right way.  I don’t think people should be asking if it’s still funny; they should be asking if it still has heart.  I’m not implying that its crew is phoning it in -- especially in comparison to certain other shows -- but I wonder if they’re putting the effort in the right places.  Getting in those jokes is simple enough, and expected of the crew, but if the Nostalgia Critic’s Top 11 list taught me anything, it’s that The Simpsons can and has handled more than just gags, slapstick, and the occasional bit of social commentary. 

Ah, if only Family Guy could learn such valuable lessons…

Let's discuss Family Guy (Part 2).

You know what?  I’m glad I’ve got something like I Hraet You.

I’m not going to pretend like it’s the greatest thing out there -- because it isn’t -- but I do enjoy it.  I enjoy writing it, and I’ve found that I enjoy reading earlier chapters a lot more than I expect I would.  I’d certainly rather read one of those than, say, some of the prototype stories I’ve scribbled in notebooks.  (Note to self: make sure those notebooks have been burned and scattered into the four winds.)  Whatever the case -- or quality -- the story may be far from done, but even now I think I can see some of my ideas and opinions taking form.  It’s proof of what I think a good story can, could, or even should offer.  Well, maybe not the whole wombat thing.

I’m not so cocky to declare that everything I do is right, and everything that I do should be done by others.  I have my style and opinions, and others have theirs.  All I ask is that, if I’m doomed to languish in obscurity forever (or at least for a little while longer), then others who are holding all the creative power should put up a smart effort.  They should respect and wisely use the power they hold.  They should show their audiences, the lowly peasants that scrabble at their heels, that they deserve trust and admiration.  They should put their all into everything they release, IN SPITE of the wealth and fame they’ve gathered.

They should.  But that’s all in theory.  In practice, we have a show like Family Guy.    

Let's discuss Family Guy (Part 1).

*headdesk*

All right.  Let’s get this over with.

The Match of the Millennium (?)

Transformers 3: This Movie STILL Terrible

Time for despair.

Transformers 3: This Movie Terrible

See that?  Michael Bay isn’t the only one that can sanction awkwardly-phrased subtitles.

RE: Man of Steel

Well.  Let’s see if I can be succinct for once.

Let’s discuss Final Fantasy 13-2 (Part 2).

“A man is like a novel: until the very last page you don't know how it will end. Otherwise it wouldn't be worth reading.”

― Yevgeny Zamyatin, We

Yeah…I’m going to have to debate that opinion.

I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this...

Welcome to the end, people.  Spoilers -- and the strongest opinions you’ll hear all day -- to follow.

Let’s discuss Final Fantasy 13-2 (Part 1).

Show of hands: who here has heard of Kung Fu Jesus?

He’s known for a few Let’s Plays, his God Hand LP well among them.  I haven’t seen his work before, but I’ve known about him for a while…and by coincidence, ended up finding out he and his posse did a blind LP of Final Fantasy 13-2.  And what started out as a simple playthrough ended up becoming a 100% completion run.  And they did it.  It took them a whopping eighty-three hours, but they did it.  Indeed, in the final video each member of the posse talks in turn about how terrible the game is and why it’s terrible.  That might have just been a consequence of plunging head-first into the abyss of insanity, though (which you can see just by looking at the video titles and the descriptions).  Frankly, I’m surprised none of them are laid up in rubber rooms.

So you’re probably wondering why I’m bringing up 13-2 after I slammed the book shut on the game; making this post seems largely unnecessary, and even harmful.  It goes beyond just beating a dead horse; it’s more like digging up a dead horse’s corpse, performing black magic to turn it into an equine undead, slashing it to pieces with Frank West’s paddle-saws, kicking the pieces back into its grave King Leonidas style, and then doing the same thing after a five-minute recess and a swig of root beer.  I acknowledge that.  But I said I was going to finish the game, and there’s been a part of me that regrets not being able to.  It felt like I was leaving so much on the table.

So it’s time for me to fix that.  Will Final Fantasy 13-2 find redemption at long last?  Will there be a glimmer of hope in its final hours?

No.  No, it won’t.  It just gets worse.

Spoilers inbound.  But whatever.  If you’re playing this game for the story, I would recommend a reconsideration of your tastes and standards.

You’ve (Probably) Already Turned Japanese

I really think so.  

...Well, wasn’t that the best twist on a song you’ve ever heard.  Anyway, let’s move on to some postulations.  It’ll be fun.

Final Fantasy 13-2: Good Morning, Kupo! (Part 8)

Confession time: I’m really wary of my ability to make a good setting.

I’ve had this complex for years now.  Characters I can do, and enjoy doing.  Themes?  I can work with those.  Plot?  Give me enough time, and I can pound something out.  Setting?  Nope, nope nope nope -- you’re asking the wrong guy. 

This may be a case of me being too modest, but then again I’ve always been nervous about coming up with my own settings (and my technique in general, but we’ll set that aside for now).  Can I build a fantastic world?  Can I make it unique?  Can I weave in a framework and details?  Can I keep those details straight?  Can I even write a scene well?  There’s no doubt that I’m better at writing than I’ve ever been -- and I’ll be saying the same a year from now -- but considering what’s out there, I can’t help but get a little pensive.  Especially considering all the points that go into building a setting; I’d like to think that one day I’ll have to put some serious work into leveling up my geography skills.

Is it possible for me to get better?  Of course.  That’s pretty much a given; the fact that I’m willing to both admit my weakness and start envisioning what I need to do means that what might be my weakest point now could become my strongest (and then I’ll start faltering in another area, just to balance things out).  Whatever the case, I know that I’ve got the potential to go up and up, as long as I put in the effort and use my head.

It certainly helps that I’ve got something in particular to try and beat.

Final Fantasy 13-2: Good Morning, Kupo! (Part 7)

Before we get started, there’s something I want to talk about -- and thanks to Sirrah Yllib for bringing this to my attention.  It looks like I haven’t brought up anything about the music yet…and a part of me’s tempted to leave that bit of the game out.  I do all right when it comes to music (listening to it rather than playing it), but I’m no expert.  And when it comes to 13-2’s music I don’t have all that much to say.

It’s serviceable.  There are a couple of good songs in there, and a couple of…well, let’s call them weird songs and leave it at that.  The other songs?  Honestly, I don’t feel like they’re worth mentioning.  They’re not terrible, but you won’t see me shuffling off to YouTube to try and figure out what that one song during that one scene might have been -- kind of sad, considering that I’m almost always listening to video game music when I write these posts.  Still, I wouldn’t chalk it up as another failure of the game.  Not yet, at least.  While a good video game practically necessitates a good soundtrack, 13-2’s inoffensive music doesn’t do quite as much harm…unless of course, you’re the sort who puts extreme value on music.  In which case, express disappointment as needed.  I know I have with…you know…everything else.

Final Fantasy 13-2: Good Morning, Kupo! (Part 6)

No.  I’m done.  I’m done with this game.

I hate it.  It makes me angry, sad, and tired all at once.  I’m tired of knowing that in its current state, the Final Fantasy brand is more likely to inspire misery than wonder.  I’m tired of seeing this company continuously stumble its way through releases.  I’m tired of being able to point out flaw after flaw after flaw in what should be an airtight, satisfying story.  And you know what?  I bet you readers are tired, too.  I read the comments, and I do my best to respond to all of them.  Time and time again, people have said things like “How could things get this bad?” and “You really need to take a break from this game.” 

Regarding how things could get this bad, consider this: it took about four or five years from the announcement of FF13 to its release, and the best Squeenix could put out was something that belonged in a dump truck.  In hindsight it’s almost silly to expect the company to put out a better product in half the time, even if they did outsource it, or at least worked in tandem with another company.  Just look at the old Serah model compared to the new.

Regarding “taking a break,” all of you are exactly right.  This game is going to be the death of me, and in more ways than one, if I keep playing it.  So I won’t.  As much as I hate to admit it, as much of a blow to my pride it is to say this…sigh…Final Fantasy 13-2 is unbeatable.  And even if it was -- even if I could grin and bear it, ignoring every single fault the game throws my way -- it’s not worth it.  There’s no reward awaiting me at the end of the final battle.  So screw it.  No more of me picking apart the story. 

As for the gameplay…

Final Fantasy 13-2: Good Morning, Kupo! (Part 5)

Breathe in, breathe out.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Breathe in, breathe out. 

Final Fantasy 13-2: Good Morning, Kupo! (Part 4)

I don’t think I can finish this game. 

I don’t think this needs explaining, but in case you’re just joining me here on Cross-Up, I might as well spell it out: I don’t like terrible things.  I like knowing that my time hasn’t been wasted, and that I’ve gained something from whatever little experience coming my way.  I DON’T like knowing that I can’t sit through something and walking away from it with a genuine headache not long after.  And that’s what Final Fantasy 13-2 does to me, every single time I try to play it.  Every.  Single.  Time.

And then there’s “The Subplot.”

Listen.  I actually don’t finish every game I play.  It’s not that I got bored with them, or even hated them; I just…you know, never got around to seeing them through to the end.  But there has never, ever been in a game in my possession that broke me, my spirit, and my very psyche as severely as The Subplot of this game.  To be honest, there have been times when games have made me actually stop playing for a little while, but that’s because they got an extremely positive emotional reaction out of me.  Skyward Sword made me stop.  Xenoblade Chronicles made me stop.  Hell, even One Piece: Pirate Warriors made me stop (though that may be more of a credit to the anime than the actual game).  But in their own ways, those games -- and a good game or even story in general -- have elements that can bring your progress to a halt.  They can give you memories you’ll keep with you for months and even years to come.  They DO NOT make you so furious and confused that you throw your controller aside and stare blankly at the screen for several minutes, stewing in silence at the sheer level of idiocy on display.  They DO NOT make you realize how much time you’ve wasted, and the fact that trying to play on until “it gets better” is only going to help you waste EVEN MORE TIME.

So I’m done.  I’m done with this game -- for now, at least.  Maybe if I cool off after weeks of not touching it, I’ll come back and be able to finish it.  But as it stands, I’m willing to let it sit in its case, hoping that maybe when I crack it back open, it’ll come out of its cocoon as a beautiful butterfly…or maybe Persona 5.  So if you’re weary of me poking holes in this game’s story, rest assured it won’t last for much longer.

I’ll get into The Subplot soon.  But first, we have to discuss something else.  Someone else.