3, 2, 1, killshot! Let's discuss One Punch Man!


May 26, 2013

Let’s discuss Final Fantasy 13-2 (Part 2).

“A man is like a novel: until the very last page you don't know how it will end. Otherwise it wouldn't be worth reading.”

Yeah…I’m going to have to debate that opinion.


I'm starting to get a bad feeling about this...

Welcome to the end, people.  Spoilers -- and the strongest opinions you’ll hear all day -- to follow.

10) The Truth.
Let me make this perfectly clear: the ending and everything leading up to it is terrible.


If you cleared vanilla 13, you may remember a nasty little beastie by the name of Orphan.  The game goes to incredible lengths to (finally) give the six heroes a genuine goal: they’re supposed to protect Orphan, and in doing so keep Cocoon and its people from meeting their doom.  You may ALSO remember that the six heroes end up doing the exact opposite almost arbitrarily, and Orphan becomes the last boss for whatever reason.  And of course, killing Orphan wrecks Cocoon, sending it on a one-way course to the planet’s surface.  Thankfully, Fang and Vanille end up using powers pulled directly from the hind quarters of an overweight, diarrhea-laden elephant, and save Cocoon regardless, creating the disaster of a logo on the game’s cover. 

The reason that I bring this up is because apparently, the devs decided to repeat the exact same process here.  (The ending isn’t required viewing for the post, but it’s here if you feel the need to suffer through it.)  Serah and Noel are given an objective -- a warning, of sorts, telling them exactly what they shouldn’t do.  Caius flat-out tells them that even if Cocoon doesn’t fall (his Plan A), if the Heart of Chaos in his chest stops beating, the goddess Etro will die, chaos will flow out and everything gets ruined; in other words, “killing him” will ensure that he wins. 

So not only do Serah and Noel end up engaging him in melee combat anyway, but Noel goes the extra mile and kills Caius in a close-range encounter (the player can choose to off him with a button press, but even if he/she chooses “show mercy”, Caius will ram Noel’s sword into him anyway; it’s still apt to blame Noel for even giving him the chance to do so, though).  So just like last time, the heroes do the exact opposite of what they’re supposed to do.  Unlike last time, though, doing the exact opposite actually has consequences.  Instead of even trying to come up with an alternative, they just rush in and do what they’ve always done on the grounds that everything will work out because of the power of friendship, or believing in themselves, or having hope.  Surprise, surprise, it doesn’t work.  And so we arrive at the end of…


You could interpret this as a bold statement against the mantras that have served JRPGs for ages -- virtues and ideals are ultimately useless in the face of overwhelming power and fate.  Or you could argue that Caius is just too powerful, and his plans to save Yeul (by condemning her to un-life in a hellish wasteland that reaches across every era) are much too perfect to thwart.  But if you actually do, then I daresay that you’re in need of a bit of percussive therapy to the skull. 

If this game was meant to serve as a deconstruction of all those ideas, then it needed to make a case for itself in the dozens of hours between its start and its conclusion; Serah and Noel are never truly challenged or forced to struggle, and as such never truly grow as characters besides arbitrarily becoming “stronger”.  Caius succeeds largely by doing nothing, and outside of getting stabbed by Noel at the very end -- something he forced him to do -- his plot could have been achieved by natural causes and erosion. 

The entire plot is completely arbitrary, trying to wring out sympathy and complexity when there’s no ability to do so and no need to do so.  And the sad thing is that there ARE ways for it to have been a satisfying story.  What could have been a game about Serah coming to terms with her strained relationship with Lightning and finding her own genuine mettle is undone by her becoming a sycophant and plot device as bad as -- or worse than -- Yeul.  What could have been a game about Noel exploring every nook and cranny of the timeline with a mix of childish wonder and grave determination as he searches for a way to save the future is undone by him being a half-assed version of Kingdom Hearts’ Sora, a bland stand-in for a story that didn’t need to be told AND a parachute-panted roadblock standing in the way of any connective tissue and redemption of the original game.  Caius and Yeul could have been AMAZING characters if they were properly utilized and fleshed out.  But they weren’t.  Nobody was.  Not Serah.  Not Noel.  Not Caius.  Not Yeul.  Not Hope.  Not Alyssa.  Not Snow.  Especially not Sazh.  Nobody.

And then there’s Lightning. 


Here’s a question for you: if it were up to you, what would you have your character -- a newly-minted demigoddess born from a well-trained, highly-skilled, fiercely-determined soldier -- do in the face of impending doom in the world you created?  If your immediate answer was “have her dump exposition” or “angst about the past” then congratulations!  You’re one of 13-2’s developers!  Also I want you to jump in a pit.

I would very much like to say that’s all Lightning does in this game and leave it at that, but I can’t.  Not as long as the DLC exists, and people are willing to play through it and post their findings on YouTube.   And what I’ve found, personally, is that Squeenix not only managed to destroy Lightning’s character -- what little there was of it in the first place -- but in trying to develop her they ended up wrecking not only the mythos and their credibility, but THE ENTIRE GAME to boot.  But of course, in order to figure that out in the first place, you have to buy and play through the DLC -- and if I’d actually spent money on that, I would seriously be pissed off.


Based on Kung Fu Jesus’ videos, the way it works is this: during the “Requiem of the Goddess”, you play as Lightning, and ONLY Lightning.  But you don’t get to explore any areas as her, oh no. It starts off with another, dramatically less interesting fight against Caius in a cutscene…and then you fight him for real in a battle.  Predictably, Lightning’s stats are absurdly high (in spite of being at “Level 1”), and her skill set is different from those of mere mortals…but that won’t stop you from losing to Caius.  You may wail on him for a while, but you can only do so much damage before he smashes you and forces a Game Over.  But it doesn’t end there.  See, Lightning is still a demigoddess, and as such death is only a mild inconvenience.  If you lose (and you will), you still go to the battle results screen and you still gain a level.   You gain a level for failing -- and you have to fail multiple times to even think about beating him. 

But that’s not all.  Even if you fail enough to get strong enough to beat him -- and even if you win and gain more EXP -- you have to get a five-star rank to actually accomplish anything.  Mash hard enough, and you get…wait for it…a battle against his evil dragon form, which is still probably too strong for you.  That means that, like the Caius fight you just finished, you have to lose to the dragon a few times before you’re ready to face him.  And like the Caius fight, if you don’t get a five-star ranking then you have to do it over again.  THIS IS NOT GAMEPLAY.  This is two hours of tedium and contrivance.  This is punishing a player for daring to want some closure -- and explanation -- to the ending of a half-assed game -- and I use “ending” very generously.  If anything, it’s more of an abrupt halt.


But that’s not all, either.  Your reward for completing the DLC is --

Wait, hold on a second.  Before I go any further, I want you to read this quote I found first.  It’s Lightning talking.  Read it carefully, and keep it in mind.

"This man, Caius Ballad. He seeks to destroy all hope, and bring an end to the future. Though the battle might be endless, I will never give up. Etro has chosen us—her champions. And we cannot fail."

Okay.  Now remember that quote I brought up back in Part 1?  About how Lightning wanted to Noel to “bring Serah to her”?  Remember that?  Well, keep it in mind now.  And while we’re taking a trip down memory lane, remember that Lightning is a nigh-immortal demigoddess with unfathomable power, and can see all of history because she apparently has Eyes of Etro as well.  Though you’d do well to ignore the problems it brings up; Yeul + Eyes of Etro + fifteen years of life = death by way of countless visions of the timeline.  Serah + Eyes of Etro + maybe a week = death by way of a few visions of the timeline, though it’s never really specific (and neither Serah nor Yeul show any signs of being negatively affected or near-death until they keel over and bite it).  Lightning + Eyes of Etro + unknown time, but let’s just set the bar at three years at a minimum = LOL immortal.  Based on that logic, you could pretty strongly argue that Lightning can do anything…at least whatever the writers think would make her look the coolest, or what would let them pass up any problems only a goddess could solve.

Remember all of that.  And be sure to take a deep breath.  Maybe open up a picture of a cute dog in another tab.  If you’re anything like me, you’re going to need it soon.

*sigh* All right.  Here’s how the DLC -- and to some extent the game -- REALLY ends.


What?

What?

WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?

No.  NO.  NO!  This can’t be…this can’t be real.  It just -- I don’t -- can I just have ALL of the reaction JPEGs?






…You know what?  Let’s play a game.  Here’s how it works: I have my issues with this cutscene, obviously, and I’ll share them soon enough.  But I’ve gabbed enough for now.  Right now, I want to see what you guys think.  I know you don’t have quite as much context as I do, but I’d bet that from this cutscene alone you have enough evidence that something is wrong here.  So stop reading this post for a second, scroll down to the comments, and  take a moment to post what you see wrong with this picture.  Don’t take too long to write; let’s say that you have about four minutes -- or until the end of Trauma Center's “Unfaltering Hands” to post your thoughts.  When the song finishes, stop and scroll back up here, and I’ll share my thoughts.  Don’t hit post just yet, in case you want to add your own comments later; just leave it sitting there, and separate it by drawing a line with the equals key or something, so it looks like this:

“I have problems with this sequence because…wordy words of wording.”

==================================================================

Okay?  Care to give it a shot?  Come on, it might be fun.

Your time starts as soon as the song does, give or take a few seconds to scroll down.  Ready?  And…go. 


…Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back.  Did you come up with something substantial?  Something intriguing, I bet?  Well, I’ll see the comments soon enough.  I’m eager to see if anyone wrote anything.  Even if you didn’t, I’d gladly share my thoughts on the subject.

Simply put, LIGHTNING MADE THE GAME ENTIRELY POINTLESS.

I’m sorry, but it’s true.  I was under the impression that Serah was called to Valhalla in order to fulfill some divine plan, and that she was absolutely instrumental in saving the world.  But it turns out that Etro didn’t want Serah to go on her journey; Lightning did.  Etro chose Lightning as her champion for whatever reason, and Serah is only a champion by proxy, called to the battlefield by Lightning.  And why, exactly?  Because she was sad and lonely

It just unravels the entire game in one fell swoop.  There was never any reason for Serah to go on her journey, especially considering that everything they did ended up being for nothing on account of Caius winning anyway.  But it goes further than that; Lightning is under the impression that her meddling got Serah killed (which is essentially true), and that there was never any chance of the heroes succeeding anyway.  But when you think about it, you start to realize that that’s only true because of Lightning’s actions.  Serah might have had Eyes of Etro, but so did Lightning.  Serah might have been able to command monsters, but so could Lightning -- and better ones, and thousands of them at once.  Serah might have gotten stronger over the course of her journey, but Lightning was already at or very near the peak of power.  But Lightning started Serah on a journey anyway, had her learn the truth about Caius and Yeul (but completely ignore the information in exchange the same old monster-slaying tactics as the Warriors of Light), and in a deus ex machina moment helps Serah and Noel get closer to the endgame where he kills Caius and unleashes hell.  Lightning, in spite of seeing all of history, creates the exact circumstances where Caius is in a position to win.


And don’t even start with that “that’s the best possible future” argument.  The best possible future would be one where the heroes DON’T make the bad guy win by being rock-stupid pissants.  The best possible future would be one where time isn’t destroyed and all of reality is destined to become a hollow wasteland.  The best possible future would be one where Lightning -- the demigoddess --does something besides enable the worst possible future…maybe by using that godlike power of hers to do something useful.  But she’s hardly even in the main game’s finale; no, the next time you see her when all’s said and done is when she’s crystallized and sitting on a throne, and you have no idea why she’s there besides Caius offhandedly remarking that he killed her in battle (which is false, if the DLC is to be believed). 

We’ve been playing as the wrong character this whole time.  I wondered from the outset why Serah was supposed to be the heroine of the story, and even argued that she was ultimately unnecessary.  But I never -- I NEVER would have guessed that her entire journey, and her entire game, would have just been pointless wandering punctuated by idiocy and histrionics.  I never would have guessed that the entire game was based on an adventure that didn’t need to happen, shouldn’t have happened, and would have done more good if it didn’t happen.


And Lightning?  Lightning, I didn’t think it was possible, but somehow -- in roughly forty minutes’ time throughout the span of the entire game, DLC and all -- you managed to not only get even worse, but become someone truly loathsome.  TRULY loathsome.  What’s this about “sins of the past” and “atonement”?  Lightning…you’re a soldier.  By definition, your job entails killing for a righteous cause.  You’re supposed to commit sins -- and you have committed sins, given how many people you murdered without a second thought over the course of vanilla 13, and the fact that for hours of that game, your mission was to kill everyone because you were made into a l’Cie.  If you’re going to have PTSD because of some poorly-defined and suddenly-introduced crisis, then at least allude to it over the course of the entire game, not out of nowhere just to justify using that voice that makes you sound like you’re about to fall asleep. (Though you have no idea how much I wish you'd just stop talking.)


Where is this awful characterization coming from?  If Lightning is supposed to have been fighting Caius over the course of hundreds of years thanks to time-travel shenanigans (themselves caused by Etro using a deus ex machina to fix the events of the previous game for whatever reason), her personality hasn’t changed at all to reflect that.  The opening paints her as the same generically-angry, generically-snarky action heroine as before; outside of bizarrely-obtuse and flowery dialogue there’s no reason to think she’s changed at all.  Doubly so when you consider that her lack of presence in this game means she has no time to either develop or establish this new characterization; all the player can do is make conjecture, and conjecture does not equal confirmation.  (Even the wiki is haphazard, jumping from one mood/event regarding Lightning to another in the space of a paragraph.)  The strongest evidence we have for anything involving her mindset is the quote I mentioned earlier:

"This man, Caius Ballad. He seeks to destroy all hope, and bring an end to the future. Though the battle might be endless, I will never give up. Etro has chosen us—her champions. And we cannot fail."

See that?  Lightning said she’d never give up.  And guess what?  She gives up.  Apparently the Evil Yeul Spirits (and I don’t even want to think about how that’s supposed to work) telling Lightning that this catastrophe of a plot is all her fault is too much to bear.  So after spinning around in space and having an angst party, she decides that the only course of action left is to turn into a living tombstone just so she can honor Serah for the rest of eternity.  Or barring that, she’ll just go to sleep until…something happens and she wakes up again so that she can really save the world.  And if early notes on Lightning Returns -- and arguably the DLC -- are to be believed, “waking up” means having another god decide to send her on a new mission and give her more power…you know, in spite of her claiming that she’s not a tool of the gods and she makes her own fate. 


And again, that just raises further questions.  Who are these other gods?  Why do they do what they do when they do it?  What are the limits of their power, if any?  I ask this because once again, a lack of a solid frame of the rules and mechanics cripples this game.  If we’re never fully told what the powers of the gods and demigods and seers and seeresses are, then we’re never given a good reason why they don’t take the smart action instead of the stupid one.  If Lightning is not only this all-powerful, all-knowing demigoddess but ALSO the true heroine of the story, then she should know better.  She should fight tooth and nail to protect the world -- or if not that, then at least the one person she keeps fucking over, and the one person who inexplicably comes crawling back every time Lightning decides to fuck her over and send waltzing right into plots that didn’t need to happen. 

13 and 13-2 are both triggered by Serah getting into trouble because of Lightning either ignoring her, shoving her into circumstances beyond her control, or a combination of both.  So why is she treated like the good guy?  Why is she treated like the hero?  Why is she treated like she’s a deep, troubled, sympathetic, but supremely noble and self-sacrificing messiah?  Why is her reasoning of “I’m so sad I got my sister killed, so I’m going to sleep in crystal for a few centuries and hope another god will step in”?  Why would she think “I’m responsible for putting Serah in this situation and ensuring that the timeline will be destroyed instead of having more than enough power and information to prevent it?  Better entomb myself in crystal so I can keep Serah’s memory alive forever, because I could NEVER have done that as a demigoddess.  Untold billions of living beings suffering as reality itself is flooded with chaos?  Fuck those guys.  I lost my little sister!”


But you know what?  I get it.  Believe it or not, I actually get it.  It all makes perfect sense if you peel away Squeenix’s bluster, incompetence, and hollow attempts at emotional torque.  If you think about it -- if you really, really think about it -- you might start to see things the way I do. 

Throughout these posts -- throughout months of hating this game, and years of hating the original game -- I’ve realized something.  If Squeenix wanted to (in spite of claims and suggestions to the contrary) make Lightning the face of FF13, they succeeded.  This so-called Lightning Saga is, without question and without doubt, Lightning’s story.  The other characters don’t matter.  The other gods don’t matter.  The lore doesn’t matter.  The world doesn’t matter.  The logistics, the themes, the relationships, the developments, the progression, all of it -- all of it doesn’t make a difference one way or another.  Lightning thoroughly and singlehandedly commands all aspects of the saga; as the lead character, she infuses it with a spirit that colors and defines the entire tale, no matter how many games and how many hours it stretches across.  All is Lightning.  Lightning is all. 

It’s just a shame that Lightning is THE villain of the story.


In all my years of playing video games, I’ve never encountered a worse character than this one.  Never.  And that’s saying something, considering who I’ve dealt with in the past year alone.  Squeenix would have you believe that Lightning is this strong, capable, noble character -- but in lieu of huge amounts of evidence piled against her, none of those qualities are true.  All it takes for her to throw in the towel is one slight against her, and in many ways she’s as obsessed with her little sister as her little sister is with her.  She’s ready to break down at a moment’s notice, either letting herself fall into a spiral of self-destruction, or just deciding to wreak havoc on anything that gets in her way because it gives her something to do.  She’s constantly isolated by her own will, separating herself from the world and treating it like it’s an enemy full of would-be killers and devils -- this, in spite of being by choice, by design, and by nature a killing machine in her own right.    

In spite of whatever Squeenix wants you to think about her (chiefly that she’s a current-gen replacement for Cloud), they ended up making an absolute monster of a character.  In her eyes, all is Lightning and Lightning is all.  She doesn’t love Serah; she only loves the idea of Serah, someone to fawn over her as a dutiful fangirl, and someone who feeds her ego with a purpose handed down by a sick-minded elder sister.  If ever Serah tries to show any free will or opinion, Lightning is immediately there to tell her that she’s wrong, or that she should follow Lightning’s orders (vague and harmful as they may be).  She meets dissenting ideas with derision at best and a blade to the throat at worst, choosing to default to the most violent option.  She never stops to consider the consequences of her actions, opting only to think about her short-term survival and satisfaction instead of the well-being of even the one person closest to her.  In the face of adversity that requires more than just the same old approach of brute force, the only solution she can come up with is more brute force -- and when it doesn’t work, she gives up. 


Reason does not exist for her.  Compromise does not exist for her.  Thought does not exist for her.  The only things she knows how to do are fight, mock, and angst.  The only reason she fights is because she wants to create a world that suits her needs exactly to the letter -- and the reason she has bouts of angst is because she realizes that the world is a little more complex than just having the power to do flips and slice at enemies.  Her development has been stunted; her worldview, distorted.  Basic concepts and mores are lost on her, in exchange for a mindset that could make anyone an enemy at a moment’s notice.  And yet in spite of having the emotional maturity (and stability) of a brain-damaged teenager, she keeps stumbling headlong into more power, more skill, and more godhood.

All of this and more could have made for an absolutely amazing character…but only if it was fully explored.  Only if it was intentional.  Only if the ramifications and issues were actually addressed.  But they aren’t.  Squeenix has made a character that casually defies common sense and is genuinely surprised -- and disturbed -- when things don’t go her way.  But rather than have her face those issues and grow from them, she’s doomed to spin her wheels while being painted as a tragic martyr doomed to a miserable fate, and whose only saving grace is against hordes of enemies she can slaughter wholesale to give her peace of mind.  Ignoring the fact that her fate is entirely her fault, what she does on a regular basis is absolutely horrifying in the proper context.  She is not a hero.  She is not a champion.  She is not kindhearted underneath her icy veneer, nor is she deeply wounded by events beyond her control.  She is the mistress of her own destiny --a victim of a mindset that breeds death and despair.  She is a killer.  An abuser.  A despot.  A hypocrite.  A fool.  A child.  And of course, a villain.  She may be one of the greatest villains ever to grace a Final Fantasy game, in that she has the perfect masquerade.


But I see through the lies.  I see through the attempts made by Squeenix to paint her as otherwise -- because as it turns out, they too are blinded by light.  Fitting, considering the name of the original game’s battle theme…and naturally, the backbone of Lightning’s theme.  Lightning was created not as a character to explore a world and engage with inherent ideas; she’s just a marketing tool slotted into a position she’s incredibly misfit for.  And because of that, she’s a worse villain than Caius will ever be.  Caius, and Barthandelus, and maybe even Sephiroth. 

But I see through the lies.  And I’m calling you out, Lightning.  I know what you really are.  It doesn’t matter how much you try to act like a wronged and misunderstood pawn of the gods.  It doesn’t matter how much you pretend like you care about others.  You’re not in this for Serah.  You’re in it for you.  All you want is your picturesque world of illusion and self-satisfaction.  You’re responsible for distorting the world.  You’re responsible for destroying it.  Your quest for self-destructive pleasure has bloomed into a full-on catastrophe.  Your inaction -- physically and especially mentally -- has only ensured that you’ve created the worst possible future…and yet you walk away unharmed and undeterred so you can go to sleep atop a throne you don’t deserve.  You get to watch over a world that’s exactly to your liking -- desolated and removed of all dissenting parties -- so you can have your idealized version of Serah without that vile thing called free will attached to her real self.  You’re the goddess of a world that you destroyed…and I bet deep down, that’s just the way you like it.         

Lightning, you are all.  All are you.  And I can say, with no shortage of confidence, that you are a complete and utter monster.

Thanks for the memories.  Enjoy your goddamn nap.


11) The end?
This would normally be the part where I say, “What else is there to say?” But I can’t.

The fact that I had to come back and talk about this game some more, even after I thought I’d closed the book on it, means that there are still things worth saying.  And there always will be.  And there’ll be even more once Lightning Returns comes out.  Even though I have no intention of ever touching that game, I know that until its final minutes, this story -- and I use that word charitably -- isn’t over.  I’m already suspecting that I’ll watch an LP of that game, whenever or wherever it may appear.  And I’m already suspecting that it’ll be an even worse train wreck.


Right now, Final Fantasy 13-2 is the worst game I’ve ever played -- and Lightning is the worst character I’ve ever encountered.  That isn’t going to change anytime soon, as much as I would like to be free of this madness that drives me so.  I would love to be free, and move on to bigger and better things.  But as long as The Lightning Saga exists, peace may elude me for a while yet.  I’ve fallen prey to Lightning just as easily as a level one foot soldier; I’m a fool who, by design, goes up against her and loses.  I’m nothing but a target.

At least, I am right now.  But I’ve been thinking over what I should do next.  Thinking about how to put myself at ease.  Thinking about how to lay this nightmare to rest.  It’s one thing to rail against a game for weeks on end.  But it’s another, significantly harder thing to actually do something about it.  But that’s fine.  I want to do something about it.  I want to be more than just a whining blogger.  And I will be.

So what’s it going to come down to?  Well, how does the old saying go?  If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.


I would keep an eye on this blog in the coming months.  Because one day soon, I just might be making my own thunderous strides.

And that’ll do it for now.  See you guys around.

...Huh.  I guess that went better than expected.  No danger to speak of, it seems.  Well then, I'm off to grab some hot dogs.  Later.



My time was lost. Yet time continued onward.  Your sleep shall end soon enough, divine one.

I will stand guard over your legacy, and enact such holy designs. 

In this realm beyond space, my charge begins anew.  And soon enough, so shall yours.

8 comments:

  1. That was pretty rough for you. The game really took a lot. Might I suggest to unwind that you comeonandslam? http://www.youtube.com/user/comeonandslam/featured



    It's seriously pretty funny.

    ReplyDelete
  2. So...many...slams...I'm not sure I can handle such awesome power!

    Seriously, though...I've been mulling over this so-called Lightning Saga for a bit, and I've started to come to a conclusion. I meant what I said when Lightning was worse than Master Chief and Dante (or "Donte" if you prefer), But I think the reason for that is because as annoying as those two characters might have been, gamers' time with them was at least mercifully brief, and there's only so much that can be done with them in the time they have. That's the expectation. The standard.

    The standards are different with Lightning, because the expectation is that over the course of (soon to be) three games and roughly a hundred hours of play time, her character development has been stunted, contradictory, infuriating, or any mix of the three. For the main character of her own forced mini-franchise to be so hollow is THE greatest failing of the games.

    ...Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand it looks like I've gone and turned this comment into another mini-rant. Screw it, I'm gonna go listen to some slams. Or, alternatively...

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YaqJdc6tkQ

    ReplyDelete
  3. What is wrong with that ending cutscene? The script is pretentious up the ass. Whatever the heck Lightning is saying is beyond human comprehension. Square Enix HATES writing understandable dialogue. Square Enix hates anyone who cannot understand any one of their many magnificent magnum opuses! *gags and chokes*

    This is repulsive. If 'Lightning Returns' ends up a hit...

    Final Fantasy... please... either find better treatment for your seemingly incurable disease, or pull the plug. PLEASE. You don't need to suffer this much. Learn to let go. It's too painful to watch this go on... Look at poor Voltech! Spoony! Kungfu Jesus! Anyone who ever touched or acknowledged this game's existence and threw a tantrum because of it! Please... let go for their sake and their sanity!

    ...

    And my cries were in vain. Darn it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. To be fair, Squeenix DOES manage to write some comprehensible stuff once in a blue moon. Like when it's time for characters to shriek their problems at one another, or generate conflict out of thin air. They're like magicians that have mastered sleight of bullshit.


    Time will tell if Lightning Returns ends up selling well. From what I've heard, 13-2 sold half as much as vanilla 13 in the States (not 100% sure on that, or how well it did in Japan...and of course, that's not counting DLC sales). And from what I've heard, a lot of people are burnt out on Lightning and her little saga -- either because of the go-nowhere story or just the (justified) wish to see her go away. It'll be interesting to see what happens, but we'd both better prepare for the worst.


    If nothing else, this is -- hopefully -- the end of the saga, so they can put this dark chapter behind them. Then again, I doubt Squeenix is going to bench their golden girl for long. We'll be seeing her again soon enough, I'd wager. Squeenix finds a way...to be just terrible.

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  5. I have a problem with this cutscene, because it's 10 minutes of contrive, cryptic bullshit that don't really mean anything and because apparently everyone's dead but not really or something.


    Why are you playing this goddamn game? Why?

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  6. Oh, don't worry. I'm not playing the game. Others, on the other hand...I'll GLADLY let them suffer through it. And they HAVE suffered. I saw them suffer.


    This game, man. This game.


    Well, I may not be playing the game, but for the sake of "future endeavors" -- and my own foolish pride, to some extent -- I couldn't bring myself to leave it unfinished. I would say it's a mistake, buuuuuuuut I feel like I've gotten all the information I need to make an informed opinion about the game. Every stone's been un-turned. And now there is no doubt.


    ...I need to get around to playing FF9 one of these days. I've got a copy from PSN, so I could use a real palate cleanser. I don't know how it stacks up to the others, but I've seen the lowest point thus far. We won't be seeing anything worse for a while. I hope.

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  7. Oh, so you read it then? Ah, it warms my heart to hear that.


    Thanks for dropping by. Be sure to come back sometime; whenever you need someone to make you red in the face and ashamed to have an internet connection, I'll be there.

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