Let’s discuss Final Fantasy 13-2 (Part 1).

Show of hands: who here has heard of Kung Fu Jesus?

He’s known for a few Let’s Plays, his God Hand LP well among them.  I haven’t seen his work before, but I’ve known about him for a while…and by coincidence, ended up finding out he and his posse did a blind LP of Final Fantasy 13-2.  And what started out as a simple playthrough ended up becoming a 100% completion run.  And they did it.  It took them a whopping eighty-three hours, but they did it.  Indeed, in the final video each member of the posse talks in turn about how terrible the game is and why it’s terrible.  That might have just been a consequence of plunging head-first into the abyss of insanity, though (which you can see just by looking at the video titles and the descriptions).  Frankly, I’m surprised none of them are laid up in rubber rooms.

So you’re probably wondering why I’m bringing up 13-2 after I slammed the book shut on the game; making this post seems largely unnecessary, and even harmful.  It goes beyond just beating a dead horse; it’s more like digging up a dead horse’s corpse, performing black magic to turn it into an equine undead, slashing it to pieces with Frank West’s paddle-saws, kicking the pieces back into its grave King Leonidas style, and then doing the same thing after a five-minute recess and a swig of root beer.  I acknowledge that.  But I said I was going to finish the game, and there’s been a part of me that regrets not being able to.  It felt like I was leaving so much on the table.

So it’s time for me to fix that.  Will Final Fantasy 13-2 find redemption at long last?  Will there be a glimmer of hope in its final hours?

No.  No, it won’t.  It just gets worse.

Spoilers inbound.  But whatever.  If you’re playing this game for the story, I would recommend a reconsideration of your tastes and standards.

I Hraet You (59)

Beat 59: For Want of a Nail (Gun)

“I wonder if ‘being held at gunpoint’ is going to be the trend of the day.”  Nevertheless,  Lloyd held up his hands and offered a disarming smile.   “Pondering aside, let me be the first to say there’s no need for violence, Arjuna.  We’re both more than capable of talking this out.  Lay down your arms, and I’ll gladly prove I’m no reason to brandish a crossbow.”  He took a step forward, and --

Ka-SWISH-GRESSIVE NEGOTIATIONS!

An arrow whizzed by Lloyd’s ear before he could even bring down his foot.  “…Okay, I can see you’re more than a bit serious about puncturing my brain,” he said, leaping back two feet, “but I’d really prefer if you didn’t.  I like my skull the way it is, you see.”  He pulled his foot away, and took another step back just to be safe.  “See?  I’m no danger to you.”

“D-don’t screw with me, Lloyd!  I know you!”  Arjuna started to take aim, though Lloyd wondered if he’d manage another warning shot with such a shaky grip.  “I know you’re trouble -- especially now!  Especially since you’re here!  Especially if you’re near me!”

Lloyd could only (try to) smile, hoping that it’d help disarm Arjuna.  It didn’t, of course.  If anything, he looked more and more eager to pull the trigger, his eyes bulging and knees knocking.  A part of him doubted that his crossbow -- a small mishmash of plastic, duct tape, poorly-sawed wood, and even bits of cardboard -- could fire a lethal bolt.  Then again, considering that Arjuna’s first shot still hung from the wall, Lloyd didn’t have much reason to doubt his handiwork at the moment.

Manly Songs: Theme of Jin

You know, I’ve always found iTunes to be a little redundant.

Admittedly, this is coming from someone who’s always at least two years behind on the latest tech trends (ask me about my cell phone!), but I have to say I don’t see the point behind some of these music services.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating pirating music; I’m just saying that if you’re out for good songs, you won’t be left wanting -- and you don’t have to spend a cent.  I’ve made a couple of full CDs out of songs from Newgrounds composers, and gotten some great satisfaction out of them.  OverClocked Remix is absolutely packed to the brim with high-quality, high-impact tunes, and can applea to your sensibilities whether you know the game songs each remix handles or not (pro tip: go download EVERYTHING by Sixto Sounds).  Artists will occasionally offer entire soundtracks online for free, whether they’re by game composers or not.  And that’s ignoring the existence of YouTube.

The tradeoff for this is that I’m severely limited in my knowledge of current music stars and trends; IIRC when asked about what the difference was between the music of Katy Perry and Taylor Swift, my response was “Maybe they’re isn’t one, and they’re both robots out to conquer the world with audio-based brainwashing for their villainous overlords.”  I don’t know what a Nicki Minaj is supposed to be, but it sounds unpleasant.  Even meme-tastic songs like “Gangam Style” and “Call Me Maybe” (I think that’s what it’s called) are lost on me.  Then again, the tradeoff for that is an intimate connection with video game music -- and when that music is firing on all cylinders, man oh man is it something else.

Which brings me to today’s post -- and the Repository’s first video game-themed song.

I Hraet You (58)

Beat 58: It Can’t Possibly Go this Well, Right?

“I’m still not satisfied,” said JP.

Patton pulled the van into a distant parking lot and turned off the engine.  “Can’t say I blame you there, son,” he said with a slow shrug.  “But right now, I’m starting to think we’re running low on options.”

“Don’t remind me.”  JP tapped his against the van’s floor with arms folded; every so often, his foot would knock about a slim duffle bag.  “I would have liked a little help here and there -- but so far, nothing.”  The tiny tween shook his head and sighed.  “What was I thinking, expecting rational thought from someone here in Porbeagle?”

“Mmmm.  Can’t be helped.”

Let’s discuss some (more) good JRPGs.

Welcome back.  Ready for another round (finally)?  Cool.  Let’s start with a test of will.

Before I say anything else on some old JRPGs, I want to make one thing in particular clear: personally, I don’t JRPGs are doing so poorly this generation.  That’s not to say that the genre as a whole has been without problems today or yesterday (it hasn’t), or that they’ve been immune to the changes of the industry (they haven’t).  If you’ll let me be a little bold -- or let me repeat something I’ve said in passing before -- I think we have the current-gen misadventures of Final Fantasy to blame for JRPGs falling out of favor.  Whether or not the franchise has been good for years is and always will be up for debate, but there’s denying that it’s the biggest name and face of the genre.  If it falters, everyone else falters -- it’s the engraved assumption that if “the best in the genre” can’t put out a good product, none of them can.  Granted other titles have made their failures apparent as well, but when you consider which company’s name is on the label of those boxes…well, pattern recognition is unavoidable.

But make no mistake, we have gotten, are getting, and will keep getting good JRPGs.  A little while ago, Ni no Kuni came out -- and while I haven’t gotten around to playing it in depth just yet, from what I gather it’s a solid (if not great) game that’s not just a rise to glory for the genre, but maybe one of the best JRPGs in years.  This, of course, is the same slot that Xenoblade Chronicles occupied not too long ago.  And before that, there was still Lost Odyssey.  And let’s not forget the release of a handful of Atlus/Shin Megami Tensei titles, each one deserving of its own sort of praise.

Speaking of which, I’d say it’s about time to give one of those games its due.  So let’s get in deep with some good JRPGs…with the Fair Lady Hendricks -- and later in the post, the TRUE face of beauty -- guiding us. 

How do you like your carrots?  Dangled on a stick, or past a ring of fire?

I Hraet You (57)

Beat 57: Putting the “AHHH!” in Entourage

Lloyd might have kept himself busy at the moment, but he didn’t dare ignore the footsteps echoing down the hall.  He craned his neck toward it, and his hopes -- for once -- weren’t dashed; Trixie lurched out of the hall with a yawn, stretching her arms and limbering up her back as sexily as possible.  She pressed a hand against the wall for leverage, and for a second Lloyd almost felt the need to do the same.  “Ugh…hey, pal, I ain’t about to start whinin’ about yer hospitality, but I’m thinkin’ maybe that bed o’ yers ain’t right fer me.  Too classy an’ all.”

“Ah, my apologies, Miss Walters,” said Lloyd.  “I’ll keep your preferences in mind for tonight.  Though I wonder just what I can do about it outside of offering a new mattress.”

“Don’t stress out over it.  I’ll just…”  Trixie rubbed her eyes.  Lloyd would have loved to to hand her a plate of pancakes.  Instead, the most he could offer was a full view of the prince held at gunpoint.

You’ve (Probably) Already Turned Japanese

I really think so.  

...Well, wasn’t that the best twist on a song you’ve ever heard.  Anyway, let’s move on to some postulations.  It’ll be fun.

I Hraet You (56)

Beat 56: The Foundation of a Good Morning

“The Prince of Love has returned!”

The doors to the castle began to spread, spilling light into its grand hall.  As the doors cracked open, the servants rushed to action; a dozen of them threw the red carpet across the marble floor, and as it rolled open scores of trumpeters moved into position.  They raised their horns high and began their song of triumph, whilst maidens danced and flung about clouds of confetti.

They’d moved just in time.  For just as the first round of confetti hit the ground, the prince strode into the grand hall.  The horns began their crescendo anew as he advanced down the carpet -- a knight whose gleaming armor nearly outshone the sun.  Silver and white plates of metal rustled with each step -- graceful, agile steps, far from those of the common soldier -- and their amethyst trimmings saw neither scratch nor scuff.  He greeted those that fawned over his return with a wave, his gauntlets giving off a lustrous glow, and his violet scarves rustling in the wake. 

As he walked past cheering subjects and stone columns, he couldn’t help but smile warmly -- and then, realize that they’d yet to see his face.  An issue remedied easily enough; he pulled off his helmet and held it under one arm, allowing himself a moment to take in both fresh air and beaming sun.  And his subjects’ cheers reached a fever pitch at the sight of his smile.  His luxurious violet hair.  His glimmering hazel eyes, no less radiant from his trusted spectacles.

“My liege!  Welcome back!” they cheered -- servants, and squires, and soldiers, and anyone who’d followed him into the castle.  “Welcome back!”

And Lloyd couldn’t help but laugh.  “It’s good to be back.”