Here’s a hot tip: if
your movie has a scene featuring a goat-man dancing in Las
Vegas to the tune of “Poker Face”, you’ve made a terrible movie.
And now that we’ve got
that out of the way, let’s chat about Percy
Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.
Because I’m dumb and love punishing myself for existing.
All right. So, if you’ve been around me and my online
presence before, you may have picked up on me saying in passing that the Percy Jackson movie from a few years
back is the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
And before you ask, yes, that means I think it’s worse than a couple of
the Twilight movies (seen on TV,
obviously, because I’ve got a working brain).
At least with the Twilight movies,
I knew they were going to be bad; the only question was how bad they’d be…which
turns out to be pretty bad. Go figure.
But with Percy Jackson, which happened to be
regularly airing on TV at one point, I went in blind. I’d heard of the book series, but never
bothered checking them out for myself.
Nor did I feel any drive to see the movie when it was in theaters. I didn’t care enough about it to go spend
money on it, but if presented to me on TV -- or at least presented to my
brother and my buddy one night after a few rounds of Smash Bros. -- then I’d sit through it.
That was a mistake.
Maybe this is just my
naiveté flaring up again, but isn’t a movie adaption supposed to increase interest
in a property, not fill you with an overwhelming desire to burn everything with
its name to ashes? That’s what I would
have guessed. But good God -- I’m glad
I’m not a fan of Percy Jackson,
because if I saw the movie after devoting myself to the books, someone would’ve
died that night. No matter what the post’s title says, I’m not
going to call it the worst movie ever (it can’t be, so long as any given Adam
Sandler movie in the past decade exists)…but it’s still the one that gave me
the biggest headache I’ve ever gotten from a movie.
And as fate would have
it, the movie happened to pop up on TV not too long ago. So I decided to watch it -- you know, to see
if I could find any redemptive material.
To see if it really was worthy of ALL OF MY HATE. To blog about it, because apparently internet stardom is bred from
highlighting and suffering through bad movies and video games.
So, what did I find
out? No, Percy Jackson does not get redemption. If anything, it’s worse than I remember. And in “honor” of the upcoming sequel, I’d
say it’s about time I introduce The
Lightning Thief to the Hammer of the Gods.
Because if there’s one thing the movie deserves, it’s a punch from Paul
Phoenix.
…I reserve the right to
make as many Tekken references as I
want. That’s the trade-off for thinking
about this movie for more than a quarter of a picosecond.
All right. Let’s start with a quick rundown of the
plot. Our hero is Harry Potter
Percy Jackson, a below-average student thanks to dyslexia and ADHD that are so
rampant he’s forced to attend a special school.
He lives in squalor alongside his worn-to-the-bone mother and a boor of
a stepfather (or boyfriend, or something), and laments every day of his
life. But things take a turn for the
surreal when one day, Percy is attacked on a school field trip by a Fury -- and
while he survives the encounter, he’s pulled out of the world he knows to begin
a new life at Hogwarts Camp Half-Blood, while losing his mother to Hades
and his minions in the process. The
reason? Twofold: first, it turns out
that Percy is actually a wizard a demigod, and the love child of
Poseidon, so he’s allowed to stay in Camp Half-Blood with all the other
demigods and learn magic train to harness his powers. The second: Percy is apparently the first and
only suspect in the case of Zeus’ stolen lightning bolt, and the chief god is
about to raise hell over it unless he gets it back. In an effort to prove his innocence, save his
mother, and protect the world from a divine hissy fit, Percy embarks on a grand
adventure across America that wouldn’t be out of place in a Super Nintendo
game.
Okay. I’m going to stop right here and make a bit
of a bold claim: you really don’t need to read anything more on this post to
figure out what’s wrong with this movie.
That paragraph up there should tell you everything you need to know
about why this movie fails -- and not just because of the similarities to a
certain boy wizard’s adventures. Can you
figure it out? Here, I’ll give you a bit
of time to figure it out. Don’t worry,
it’s easy. You won’t even need a minute
to guess.
Time’s up. So, what have you got? Seeing things my way? Found your own problem?
Well, I’ll go ahead and
tell you mine: this has to be the single most arbitrary and contrived plot I’ve
ever encountered. This entire movie
didn’t need to happen -- and that’s because the thrust of the plot could be
shattered with one word: how?
Motive. Opportunity.
Modus operandi. Those are the
three basic elements needed to decide if someone was even REMOTELY close to
committing a crime. Without that,
there’s no reason to believe Percy stole the lightning bolt. And rest assured, there isn’t a trace of even
one of those. Percy didn’t know a damn
thing about the existence of gods until after the lightning bolt was stolen,
and it’s at the tail end of the movie when he actually meets one of them
(Hades) in person. So how did he make it
to Olympus and steal Zeus’ bolt? When
would he have done so, given that he’s bootstrapped to a school for the handicapped? Why would he have done so, unless he wanted
the most badass glow stick ever for that big rave coming up? Zeus has no argument for his claim, or reason
to believe it. Further, why pick Percy
in the first place? Why that kid? Why, out of all the love-children, would he
choose that one -- and a love-child that isn’t even one of his own?
But wait, it gets
worse. The three main gods are Zeus,
Hades, and Poseidon -- and it’s Poseidon that stays in relatively-constant
contact with Percy throughout the entire movie via telepathy (or
something). So when Percy ends up in
Vegas eating kid-friendly hallucinogens, Poseidon chimes in to tell him that he
should stop and get back to his mission.
So here’s my question: if Poseidon knows where Percy is at all times and
what he’s doing, why doesn’t he vouch for his son’s innocence? Further, if Poseidon has the omnipotence
that allows him to know where his son is (as you’d expect from a god), why
doesn’t Zeus use his to immediately figure out the same? Even if his foresight is limited to the range
of demigods, that’s still more than enough to tell him Percy’s not guilty…and
considering that the actual Lightning Thief IS a demigod, it’s not a stretch to
say he should have known better. And
Hades is no less guilty; he’s just as much in the dark as everyone else. He doesn’t even try to play the gods against
one another; he’s just a stooge in all this that ends up getting outplayed by
his hot wife.
So yes, from the word
“go” the plot has been dead for about fifteen years. But wait, there’s more! That’s just the conflict part of the
equation! It’s bad enough that that’s
pretty much junk, but even at a cursory glance the rest of the movie’s
particulars make no sense. Example:
Percy’s dyslexia and ADHD are actually symptoms of his demigodhood, and Camp
Half-Blood exists to train demigods so that their powers and skills are
developed. Sooooo…why not just drop
Percy off there in the first place? Why
dump him in such a terrible home setting to begin with? The assumption would be that it’s to protect
Percy, but the question there is, “from what?”
He’s in no danger at all until some punk steals the bolt, and even when
it’s stolen he’s almost immediately found out by enemies that not only know him
by name, but have long since infiltrated his world and lifestyle (the Fury that
attacked him earlier? One of his
teachers). Why even put him in the
outside world? If he’s supposed to
become some defender of peace and justice, why not give him training from the
outset?
But as it turns out,
Percy isn’t the only one in the outside world.
Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you…
Centaur…
Pierce…
Brosnan.
…Sorry. I just…I just needed a moment.
So yes. Centaur Pierce Brosnan is…is a thing in this movie. And he’s also something of a protector to
Percy, in that he disguises himself as a teacher (using magic to disguise
himself as a blanket-wearing paraplegic).
But make no mistake, he’s not THE protector; no, that honor goes to
Percy’s best friend Grover, played by Tropic
Thunder alum Brandon T. Jackson.
Dignity is not allowed to either the actor or the character, as Grover
is not only a half-man, half-goat -- a satyr, but let’s not fool ourselves here
-- but about as aggravating as any number of Chris Tucker roles scaled up by a
factor of three. Unlike the centaur,
though, Grover just disguises himself with…a pair of pants, and acts under the
guise of having MS thanks to his crutches.
Now here’s my question:
why a satyr, and why a centaur? Camp
Half-Blood is packed with demigods with no shortage of training, with all the
knowledge, power, and of course human
bodies that should make integration a snap.
Why send in the horse-man and the goat-man? Even if one of them could disguise himself with magic, what if something went
wrong? If at any point someone caught a
glimpse of Grover not only revealing his ability to walk, but his possession of
a pair of lamb chops, what sort of damage would that cause to the masquerade --
of if not that, then at least tipping off the bad guys to Percy’s
presence? What is there to gain? Why not send in humans to a human school in a
human town? Why not just let Percy stay
at Camp Half-Blood if there are dozens of other people just like him living
their lives to the fullest? WHEN DID I
GET TRANSPORTED TO CRAZY TOWN, ALABAMA?!
It’s like…what am I
even supposed to work with here? The
adventure at large is bare-bones, the framework behind it is about as solid as
a bunch of Pixy Stix, I’m almost certain this movie is related to the book in
name only, and the less said about the characters in it, the better.
Now let’s talk about
the characters. It’s not like I needed
my brain for anything. A little melting
is always appreciated.
Basically, you’ve got
three characters here: Not-Harry, Not-Ron, and Not-Hermione, comprising the
movie’s trio of heroes and pretty much the only members of the cast to have any
impact or relevance to anything. Since
I’ve already talked a bit about Grover, let’s focus on him first. As the Not-Ron of the group, Grover is, in
theory, supposed to be the team’s wild card -- useless in some situations, but
incredibly vital in others. He’s the “other
guy”, the supporter who helps the lead out, but occasionally gets his time in
the spotlight. Grover doesn’t. Oh sure, he’ll drive a truck as a
distraction, or pull out a Medusa head to finish off a hydra, but holy hell is
this guy useless as a protector. Take
away the truck and the Medusa head, and what does he have? Crutches?
How is that going to stop a hydra?
Plus he doesn’t even get to use his skills, crutch-fu or otherwise. When Percy gets attacked by a minotaur en
route to the camp, Grover tells Percy to fight the monster off with his
transforming pen-sword he got from Centaur Pierce Brosnan. (Bonus points to CPB for not just telling
Percy “click the pen, get a sword” and dancing cryptically around the
subject.) What sense does that make? That’s like telling the president to fight
off a bunch of White House invaders with a baseball bat…and only a certain breed of
president can pull that off.
Grover isn’t worth even
a quarter of a damn in this movie.
Pretty much everything he does could have been done by someone else
(Percy, most likely), and in fact his mere presence ends up creating arbitrary
problems later on. The three MacGuffins
the group’s been collecting to go to hell and save Percy’s mom can only
transport three people there and back -- one for each person, for…whatever
reason. Grover ends up deciding to stay
in hell so Percy, his mom, and his newfound love interest can go back to the
surface…and I don’t think there’s ever been a more accurate application of the
phrase “and nothing of value was lost.”
It would have been a meaningful, even noble sacrifice if Grover had ever
been set up to be something besides “wacky, wise-cracking black sidekick” or
“mouthpiece for all the trends and lingo the kids are into” (which only helps
date the movie that much more thoroughly).
As he is, he’s just a waste of space that makes an already painful movie
like a lobotomy performed by a blind, drunk surgeon using spoons and toilet
paper.
But as bad as Grover
is, there’s a special level of hell reserved just for him AND his buddy
Percy. As our Not-Harry, it’s his job to
be the put-upon everyman with a terrible home life -- and then, gets whisked
off to a magical world thanks to his birthright so he can become the savior of
a world he barely knows anything about.
I joke (somewhat), but once more Harry Potter has the advantage; at
least in his case and his movies, it’s tempered by him being thoroughly enticed
by the new world -- a service to readers/viewers -- and being an active member
of it rather than its sole deciding factor.
Highs and lows, struggles and triumphs, strengths and weaknesses; those
are all things that are a part of Harry’s character. Even a terrible movie should be able to get that much right.
But not this one, of course. This universe pretty much
revolves around Percy, whether he’s in the normal world or the magical “you’re
the most special-est of all!” Camp Half-Blood.
There’s a sense of artificiality and insincerity to the movie from start
to finish, and I think I can sum up why: Percy isn’t allowed to be anything but
the center of the universe…even if it’s undeserved, and ESPECIALLY if it
doesn’t make sense. If I remember right,
one of the first shots in the movie is of Percy looking sad in the depths of a
pool. Why? Obviously, so we can feel sorry for him;
between his worn-down mother, his borderline-abusive stepfather, and his
flaring-up ADHD and dyslexia, he’s a character that we’re supposed to feel
sympathetic towards from the get-go.
It’s sympathy by dint of his circumstances, not his character (character,
in a movie? Can’t have that!). And it’s because of that attempt at sympathy
that the whole thing feels flat. Fake. Engineered.
It’s nothing but shorthand for actual investment in a character.
And it becomes a hell
of a lot harder to become invested in this character when he makes the switch
from zero to god in the space of a
scene. As it turns out, Percy’s dyslexia
is actually a result of his brain subconsciously organizing things into Greek symbols
and language -- and his ADHD is actually his impulsiveness, bred from his
warrior instincts. First off, what warrior instincts? Poseidon is a god; he fights by throwing
hundreds of gallons of water at his enemies, not by swinging a sword and shield. Second, am I the only one who’s more than a
little wary of how easily they shrugged off Percy’s issues? “Oh, those conditions of yours that got so
bad you were sent to a special school to move past them? Pshaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw! Those are just your super-awesome senses!” And
they’re never brought up again. I don’t
know about you, but there’s something dirty about saddling Percy with these
issues and never doing anything about them; given that there are people in the
world that do have dyslexia, do have ADHD, and don’t have Olympian parents to make it all better, I would have
figured that a little decorum would be in order. Then again, I would have figured that they
wouldn’t have made a shitty movie where the lead character doesn’t borrow from
the Shia LaBeouf School of Acting.
One thing that really irritates me about the
movie is how Percy starts to realize he’s got the power of a god (and I stress
god, because he pretty much pole-vaults over being a mere demigod within the
first hour). There’s a training exercise
between the other kids of Camp Half-Blood, organized into a game of Capture the
Flag. Percy’s thrown into the mix, and
as you’d expect he’s shown to be completely incompetent, uncoordinated, and
cowardly; he even ends up getting his ass kicked and laughed at by the better
part of the camper population. But all
it takes for him to awaken to his supreme godlike power and completely overwhelm
his asskicker is…some water splashing over him.
Even though he was in water earlier and presumably countless times
before getting to the camp, only now is
he suddenly able to do things such as…swing a sword with incredible power and
dexterity! Have his wounds healed when
they touch water! Waterbend! So basically, he has no reason to train ever
again, and is in fact the most awesomest dood that ever existed. Also, those powers of his will only come in
handy for two out of five skirmishes. If
that. And he’s STILL the best of the
trio.
His fatal flaw isn’t
his impulsiveness, you see; it’s that Percy’s really fucking dumb. His plan isn’t to find the missing lightning
bolt; it’s to find three magic pearls so he and his pals can teleport to hell;
once he’s there, his plan is to talk to Hades and say he didn’t steal the bolt,
and that’ll convince the lord of the underworld to let his mother go. So once again, the plot is all based on
completely arbitrary nonsense; there is NO WAY things are going to go the way
Percy hopes. But he does it anyway, and
Hades rightfully calls him out on it -- if Percy hadn’t been played by the real
Lighting Thief into delivering the bolt to Hades, the movie would have stopped
right there. (Side note: the bolt turns
out to be nestled inside Percy’s collapsible shield the whole time. Even if it’s “hidden” in a secret
compartment, how the hell do you not hear the crackle, feel the heat, or notice
the light coming off of a damn bolt of lightning?)
In spite of having
several opportunities to behead a Medusa from behind, Percy just decides to
reveal himself and risk getting turned to stone. Even with a movie like Disney’s Hercules long since passed, he doesn’t
know not to cut off the head of a hydra.
In spite of being effectively immortal as long as there’s water around,
he never bothers to carry some for himself to act as an instantly-healing salve
or power boost or even weapon. The mere
concept of going to Olympus and asking Zeus for help (and acquittal) never even
occurs to him; nor is finding out who really IS the Lightning Thief and
clearing his name. It’s as if common
sense doesn’t even begin to exist for this moron.
But as bad as Percy is,
there’s still Annabeth. Oh
Annabeth. Poor Annabeth. She’s awful, don’t get me wrong -- but I
can’t help but feel sorry for her. She’s
the biggest casualty in this entire movie, hands down; even so, it’s hard to
feel too much sympathy for a character that almost singlehandedly makes the
movie even worse than it already is.
We’re introduced to her at Camp-Half Blood with several shots of her
being a tough, battle-hardened swordswoman, and in her first chat with Percy
she reveals that she’ll have none of his guff.
In addition, we’re told that she’s also a demigod -- the daughter of
Athena, goddess of (pulled straight from Wikipedia) wisdom, courage,
inspiration, civilization, law and justice, just warfare, mathematics,
strength, strategy, the arts, crafts, and skill. So the expectation here is that if Percy has
raw power and no skill thanks to his heritage/lack of training, then Annabeth
would be the counterpoint; she might not be quite as powerful, but she’d
compensate with battle savvy, strength bred from ages of training, and supreme
knowledge of weapon usage, enemy weaknesses, and --
Annabeth is
useless. As useless as Grover, maybe
more. At least he has the decency to
sacrifice himself.
There are two big
problems with this character. The first
is that from the moment she’s introduced, you can literally count the seconds
before Annabeth goes from tough, competent warrior to Percy’s arm candy. It’s
not even subtle or gradual; she’s hostile toward Percy from the outset, and
after he becomes an instant expert on fighting and beats her, suddenly she
starts playing right into his hands while putting on airs of being a strong independent woman. And then in a scene a little later, she has
to be saved by him from Medusa, and by then she’s pretty much putty in his
hands. And in what can’t be any more
than two scenes later, she’s pretty much a cheerleader for Percy, bouncing up
and down on her heels as she claps and cheers him on. For someone who’s known she’s been a demigod
for a while and presents herself as such, she sure stops acting like it early
on. I mean, I don’t know about you guys,
but if I’d just been upstaged by some doofus who only won by stumbling into
godhood, I’d be a little bitter. He only trained for half a day, if that.
The second problem with
this character is that she never, ever capitalizes on being Athena’s
daughter. That is to say, she acts like
a teenage girl -- and is about as useful as one. And half as smart as one. Their first boss encounter is against Medusa,
and in spite of the audience figuring out what they’re going to be up against
seconds after they enter the area, it takes Annabeth ages to even begin to
realize it. Moreover, she ends up being
saddled with a panicked woman who had her husband turned to stone (and still
can’t quite put it together), only to come across…across…
CGI…
Snake-haired…
Uma Thurman.
.jpg)
…You know, it’s stuff
like this that makes me wonder: why am I even alive?
So when Medusa comes
out and reveals her snake hair, Annabeth wisely decides to keep her eyes
shut. But that’s about the ONLY wise
thing she does, considering that she decides to stand in place and not run
away, or even attempt to get the woman clutching her wrist to safety. Inexplicably, the woman listens to Medusa and
opens her eyes, turning to stone as a result and anchoring Annabeth to that
spot. Fantastic. She’s eventually
“saved” by Grover and Percy…and it’s worth noting that while one of them breaks
the forearm of the lady to free Annabeth, the damsel herself pulls the rest of
her arm free from the stone by pulling the rest off with her bare hands. How?
And why? Does she have super
strength? Is the stone that feeble? If that’s the case, why didn’t she do that
earlier? Did she just not feel like
doing anything to help in a life-or-death situation?
Annabeth’s lack of even
basic awareness of Greek mythology and monsters is astounding, considering that
as a demigod of Camp Half-Blood -- and, you know, the daughter of the goddess of wisdom -- she had to have at
least picked something up. Even without
that knowledge, pop culture would have given her any number of options against
the enemies they face -- and if it’s a lack of pop culture that cripples her,
then she should have the Greek knowledge to compensate. When she and the others run into a hydra in
the museum (which is apparently made out of guards speaking in synchronized
monotone…just go with it), she’s incredibly slow to mention to Percy that
cutting off the heads only makes more heads.
That seems like the first thing you’d want to mention to a guy whose
chief weapon is a sword and has already displayed his penchant for cutting off
the heads of his enemies. And her
primary offense against a three-story-tall fire-breathing monster? Shooting arrows at it. Honey, that’s not a very good game plan. She’s pretty much useless from then on,
falling prey to the same Lotus Eater trap as the others, cowering in fear at
the sight of approaching hellhounds, and barely appearing (if at all) during
the final fight between Percy and the actual Lightning Thief. Hermione
ran shit in her universe; the least Annabeth could do was be more than a
measuring stick for how amaaaaaaaaaaazing
Percy is.
But there’s good
news! At the end of the movie, when
all’s said and done, and she’s pretty much confirmed to be pining for Percy’s
mighty javelin, she gets to save face by disarming him and telling him to keep
his guard up. I’m sure he will thanks to
your brilliant instruction, sweetheart.
After all, he’s learned from the best.
So. At the end of the day, what is there to say
about this movie? What is there to
like? If the plot is worthless and the
characters are worthless, what is there to latch onto? It sure as hell isn’t the journey, there’s
hardly any interplay between these or any other characters, meaning that they
have no arcs or development. The
adventure itself has no sense of weight or impact; there’s no observation of
the passage of time, and certainly not the distance traveled; these characters
are driving across America in a single truck, but all those miles traveled
might as well be the loading screen between levels. So many characters in this movie are
unlikable morons trying to tug at
heartstrings; those that aren’t readily acknowledge how stupid people are
being. And that’s ignoring all the plot
holes, like how they’re paying for gas, how they snuck into a museum at night,
how they make it into a casino during regular hours in spite of being underage,
why Zeus starts conjuring a world-destroying storm, why he needs that one lightning bolt in the first place,
and more.
Cursory glances at
wikis and forum posts suggests that a lot of things were changed (or lost in
translation) from book to movie. I know
that the book will always be the superior site for telling the story -- lots of
stories, really -- but the assumption is that A) the movie will take the chance
to fix issues with the book, B) adapt certain elements so that they’re a better
fit for the medium, C) pay respect to the source material, and D) BE GOOD.
But there’s none of
that. There’s nothing here. Nothing. It’s the cheapest, most insincere attempt to
push the next Harry Potter
around. You just can’t do what they did
with this movie -- because there are fans, and plenty of them, justified in
their enjoyment of the series. You have
to pay respect to your audience’s intelligence, whether they’re fans or not --
hell, especially if they AREN’T fans.
What could have been the start of something magical is just the most
groan-inducing, mind-flaying, heart-rending movie I’ve ever seen, limping its
way to a sequel with the flimsy excuse of “there’s another book we can film.”
They want to make a big
franchise out of Percy Jackson? Fine.
But they need to make a good movie first. And I can tell you right now that they’re not
going to do it with a goddamn dancing goat-man.
See you guys
around. I need to go punch something.
A dancing goat
man…damn! What were they thinking?