Let’s discuss Uncharted 4: A Thief’s End (Part 2).

I know this is a post on Uncharted 4, but I feel like I should start off by mentioning Who Killed Captain Alex.

I saw it basically under the same circumstances that introduced me to Dinosaur Island -- i.e. “celebrating” the holidays with bad movie night.  But even though I went in expecting the worst, I found myself getting into the movie.  The story behind it is bizarre, to say the least, and that’s before you get into the actual movie -- which to put it simply is a Ugandan kung fu murder mystery.  Despite that (and the utterly absurd “dub”), I couldn’t help but grasp characters, motivations, and themes.  It was as much about “mortal combat” as it was about understanding the impact of the late captain, and what it meant to exact revenge for him and those closest to him.  Coupled with the sincere effort and energy infused into the film, it’s hard not to feel a sense of admiration.

Even if Who Killed Captain Alex is held together by pocket change, used floss, and a whole lot of hope, it still manages to impart something on an audience.  No matter how deep of a read you make, there’s still something to enjoy -- something to respect despite (or maybe because of) the pitiful visuals.  So while it is technically a bad movie, it doesn’t quite come across as one.  Why?  Because it’s proof that it doesn’t take much to win people over.  It doesn’t take much to win me over, even if my posts have suggested otherwise over the years.  Good stories come in many forms, regardless of the money or resources poured into it.  Still, that’s the immutable end goal: to tell a good story with the means available to you.

So here we are with A Thief’s End.  And disagree if you will, but I’m convinced that it either has a terrible story, or one so baffling that even now I have yet to grasp it.  And this is coming from someone who could grasp Who Killed Captain Alex.

Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice: Clods Among Us (Part 2)

So what’s the weirdest superpower you can think of?

I can’t help but ask, because -- speaking personally -- the vast majority of my characters are created based on what sort of powers I can give them.  Jury’s out on whether or not that’s a good idea, but recently, I’ve been challenging myself to come up with more powers from left field.  The end goal is to take a page from JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure (sans Stands): take powers that would be seemingly useless and have the characters apply them in ways that turn the “useless” into “incredible”.  Right now I’m focusing on a guy who can always be there to stop a timer -- on a watch, on a clock, on a microwave -- before it goes off…which gives him the power to effectively teleport. 

I’d say more, but chances are high that you’re here for more thoughts on Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice.  (Plus that idea’s super rough around the edges.)  But since we’re dealing with superheroes, it’s important to think at least a little bit about their powers/skill set/equipment.  What do they mean for the character, especially in terms of personality?  How do they impact the world around the hero or heroine?  What do they bring to the table? 

I have to ask, because in terms of this movie, the answer is a resounding nothing.

Look!  Up in the sky!  It’s a SPOILER!  It’s a SPOILER!  No, it’s blatant and overwrought symbolism that has no reason being used by a team that’s demonstrated its sheer ability to fail on even basic levels of storytelling and film-making principles!

…I mean SPOILERS.

Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice: Clods Among Us (Part 1)

You don’t know how tempted I was to make a reference to God Hand for this subtitle.  But since this title’s more fitting, I might as well do it now.

You know what, though?  I remember once on this blog, someone was under the impression that I don’t like God Hand.  That’s seriously not the case.  It’s not my favorite game ever -- and it’s not what I’d call a technical marvel -- but I like the combat, I like the customization, and I like the difficulty level (which changes depending on how well/poorly you do throughout the stages).  But what really sets the game apart from others is its sense of humor and spirit.  It’s wacky and wild, and very few games have captured that magic since.  Very few games have tried.

I’ve gone about this at length, but it bears repeating: by and large, the AAA game space has done its best to do away with (intentional) humor and charm.  So many titles are trying to be BIG and EPIC and SERIOUS and DEEP, yet so many of them have collapsed under their own hubris.  How did Capcom, the company that made the unapologetically-goofy Resident Evil 4 (and God Hand, of course) go on to make the embarrassingly-po-faced Resident Evil 6?

So in a lot of ways, I’ve built up a tolerance for products that adopt a “no jokes policy”.  It’s no surprise, then, that Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice doesn’t leave much of an impression -- but trust me, the lack of humor is the LEAST of this movie’s problems.

To the SPOILER-MOBILE, Robin!  Oh, wait.  Oooof.  Ohhhhh.  Ahhhh, that’s awkward.

UnchartedPalooza!! Drake’s Deception

I want to start this post off with a list of games. 

*pulls envelope out of pocket and unfolds a sheet of paper*

Ahem.  So.  This list of games includes, in no particular order:

--Tales of Zestiria

--Xenoblade Chronicles X

--The Witcher 3

--Bloodborne

--Metal Gear Solid V

--Street Fighter V

--Yakuza 4

--Valkyria Chronicles

--Ni no Kuni

By no means is this a complete list, but I’m sure you can already guess the meaning behind them.  Indeed, this is a backlog of games that I want to play -- and hopefully write about at some point.  Moreover, it’s a list of games that are readily available to me; they were within a few steps of me every time I sat down to play Uncharted 3: Drake’s Deception.  But I refused to play them until I cleared every last game in The Nathan Drake Collection.

And every time I sat down to play Drake’s Deception, I was reminded just how dearly, how desperately I wanted to bail and play something else.

UnchartedPalooza!! Among Thieves

Uncharted 2 pushes a pretty big question right out of the gate: do you believe in second chances?

Speaking personally, I suppose I do.  I’m the guy who wound up hating Final Fantasy 13 before game’s end, but played the unneeded sequel and a franchise spin-off despite common sense beckoning me to stay the hell back.  But I’m the sort that wants to believe, and believe that people can do the right thing.  Okay, so you made a mistake the first time?  Fine.  Do better next time.  Learn from your mistakes, and leave them behind on your way onward and upward.

That seemed to be the case with Uncharted 2: Among Thieves.  I missed the game when it first came out, but others didn’t.  And from what I can gather, others were -- and still are -- willing to call it a masterpiece.  Accolades across the board, adoration from gamers and critics alike, and the codification of one of Sony’s biggest franchises; Uncharted 2 is a big hit, and makes up for whatever shortcomings the original game had.  In my experience, my brother told me that instead of playing Drake’s Fortune -- via The Nathan Drake Collection remaster -- I should just skip ahead to Uncharted 2.  “It’s basically the same story,” he said.  And more importantly, “The game’s a masterpiece.”

So after finishing Drake’s Fortune, I dove into Among Thieves. 

And now I’m not so keen on second chances.

Let’s “discuss” Call of Duty: Black Ops 3 (Part 3).

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you.”
--Jeremiah 29:11-12

All right.  One for the road.

Don’t worry.  We’ll get through the campaign together.  Or...part of it at least.  So let's go ahead and get bloppy one last time.

On the Ninja Turtles and High Voltage

You know what?  I’ve never talked about Twilight at length on this blog, have I?

Okay, then.  Let’s go ahead and start with that.

Watch Dogs (feat. Kamen Rider W)

Let me say this to start: this post is, at a bare minimum, eight months old.

Like, I’d written pretty much everything a while back.  But for one reason or another, other posts took priority.  I’d blame a single game for it, but I think for now I’ll just take the high ground and point fingers at the better part of reality itself.  So at some point I just decided to have it go up on a certain date.

“Hey, you know what?” I asked myself.  “You’re coming up on the one-year anniversary of your very first post on Watch Dogs, AKA the game you consider the worst western-developed game you’ve ever played.  Why not celebrate sheer mediocrity and unacceptably-poor design by offsetting it with your not-at-all-secret Kamen Rider propagandist agenda?”

So here we are.  And here we shall be, until the world knows just how miserable of a game Watch Dogs is -- and that we must never forget what Ubisoft hath wrought.  But on the plus side?  Guys in big dumb monster suits.  And armored suits.  Just suits all over the damn place.

Final Fantasy Type-0: Kill ‘Em All, Kupo! (Part 8)

*HEADDESK*

*HEADDESK*

*HEADDESK*

*HEADDESK*

*HEADDESK*

All right.  Let’s talk about the ending.

*desk breaks*

Final Fantasy Type-0: Kill 'Em All, Kupo! (Part 7)

“Hey, what was that red stuff at the start of the game?”

That was what I asked myself several times throughout the game, most notably in the second-to-last chapter.  See, in the first mission there’s a red mist and lights and tentacles that appear out of nowhere that -- well, they don’t really attack you per se.  They just kind of hang there menacingly, and none of your attacks work on them.  They’re gone before long, though, both in the mission and the story at large.  Seriously, I don’t think anyone comments on what they saw.  Ever.  It’s pretty much stricken from the game -- a game which, I should say upfront, I’ve finished as of this post (as compared to the earlier ones).

Since the game pretty much decided to ignore it, I did too.  I focused on the main plot, i.e. the war between the on-the-ropes Rubrum and the invading Militesi Empire.  As such, the main villain of the game (if you could call him that) is Imperial Marshal Cid Aulstyne, the guy behind the Empires forces…if we assume that said empire has no distinction between military leaders and political leaders, but whatever.  It’s safe to say that he’s the one players will have to face off at some point -- because with this being a Final Fantasy game, and following in the footsteps of vanilla FF13, anyone who is old and has wrinkles is evil and must die.

Sounds simple enough, right?  Oh, if only…

Final Fantasy Type-0: Kill ‘Em All, Kupo! (Part 6)

It’s funny how a game can wear down all your optimism and goodwill, isn’t it?  But, here we are.

…Yeah, this game sucks.

Final Fantasy Type-0: Kill ‘Em All, Kupo! (Part 4)

There’s a part of me that wants to see Platinum Games make a character action game based on Modern Family.

I’m not just saying that because Platinum makes some of the best games around.  Nor am I saying it just because I started watching Modern Family (reruns, mostly) semi-recently.  It comes from an honest belief that the show utilizes its characters much better than I would have guessed.  We’re talking about a cast of eleven -- a full dozen once new kid Joe starts talking -- with episodes that feature as many as five plots running simultaneously.  It’s consistently funny, and that’s largely because it follows the golden rule: characters create opportunities.  Plus it can get pretty freaking absurd. 

So yes, I want to see more of them, and I think that it’d be nuts to see what Platinum could do for them.  Yeah, Modern Family’s not exactly fight-intensive, but imagining the possibilities puts a smile on my face.  What if Phil had to stave off an attack from lonely magicians with trapeze skills?  What if Jay did sick dog combos to be graded Pure Platinum by a panel of judges?  What if Cam had a Devil Trigger that turned him into his clown persona?  I could go on, but the point is that there’s so much that can be done with characters -- and whether they’re given the Platinum touch or not, the guys behind Modern Family have done enough.  They get the importance of good characters.

Squeenix, however, does not.

Dinosaur Island: A Christmas Anti-Miracle

Dinosaur Island is a terrible movie and no one should watch it -- but I ended up watching it anyway, so let’s talk about it because I’m dumb and probably want to hurt myself.

That has to be one of my best post openings yet.

Percy Jackson and...the WORST Movie Ever?

Here’s a hot tip: if your movie has a scene featuring a goat-man dancing in Las Vegas to the tune of “Poker Face”, you’ve made a terrible movie.

And now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s chat about Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief.  Because I’m dumb and love punishing myself for existing.