I like how as soon as I
try to put the blog on hiatus, I end up seeing a movie so bad that it drags me
back in. I feel like one of those guys
in an action movie who gets pulled in for “one last job” and it ends with a
death toll in the dozens. Still, that’d
make for a better movie than this. When
the most interesting part of the movie is when the theater has technical
difficulties and the film starts glitching out like a sputtering GameCube disk,
you know your time has been well spent.
So yes, the movie’s
pretty terrible and I hate it, so let’s talk about why. But quickly.
Because I want to do something fun, like not think about this
movie. Also, because I’m dumb.
Also, don’t see this
movie.
Spoilers incoming, but…look, just do what I
didn’t and go see Frozen or
something.
--Now let’s get the
obvious out of the way. The Tale of the 47 Ronin is a story
that’s -- if I had to guess -- entrenched in Japanese culture and canon, partly
because it has at least some basis in actual historical events. I’d explain more, but I think you’d be better
served if you read
the TV Tropes page for a quick summary.
In fact, go ahead and do that now, then come back here.
…
--Did you read it? Okay, good.
Now, I’m going to level with you here: that one description made the
entire movie pointless. The movie has
witches, dragons, magic and other fantasy elements, but none of those are
necessary. In fact, they even get in the
way at times -- as if they’re only there to “spice up” a “boring” tale. As if the movie makers had no confidence in a
story that’s not only been told before (and better), but a story that didn’t
need those fantasy bits in the first place.
When the description of a story, one lacking all those 3D flourishes, is
more interesting than a hundred-million-dollar plus product, just pack up and go the hell home.
--I can’t believe I’m
saying this, but I’m inclined to name 47
Ronin as the worst movie I’ve seen all year. And bear in mind that this is the same year
that had me grinding my teeth through Man
of Steel. In fact, this movie
reminded me of that movie for a number of reasons -- yet, against all odds,
managed to make a lot of the same mistakes, with EVEN LESS of the redeeming
qualities. That’s…probably what I was
expecting, given that when I first checked Rotten Tomatoes -- and at the time
of writing -- the movie’s
sitting at a spit-take-worthy 11%. But my brother and buddy wanted to see it
because…I don’t know, Keanu Reeves was in The
Matrix? Because they liked The Wolverine? Whatever the case, I sincerely hope that they
understand how much they owe me for tagging along.
--As is often the case,
the problems with this movie start with its main character…only that problem is
compounded even further, if you can believe that. I’ve never really borne any ill will for
Keanu Reeves as an actor, but he really doesn’t do anything for his role or the
movie at large. He plays Kai, apparently
a member of the 47, but constantly (CONSTANTLY) derided for being a
half-breed…and let’s not touch the connotations of having a white man (albeit
one of mixed descent) taking top billing.
There are just two things you need to know: A) he’s the lead character,
but not really, except when he is, except when he isn’t, but it turns out he
is, and B) you could pretty much capture the essence of his performance and
character by staring at a picture of Sad Keanu for a couple of hours.
--It’s worth noting
that, inexplicably, the movie has a hard time deciding who the main character
is. Conventional knowledge would suggest
that it’s Reeves’ Kai, but there’s just as much emphasis put on a fellow
samurai named Oishi. (A part of me
wanted to snicker every time he popped up on screen, because oishii is Japanese for “delicious” --
and note the extra i there.) A main character can and should define a
story, but because 47 Ronin waffles
AND fails to develop either of them an inch past where they started, neither of
them can offer anything definitive. I’d
say that the movie threatens to be passable when it focuses on Delicious
because he’s more concerned with the movie’s actual themes and plot, but he has
no presence. And that’s because when you
get down to it, this is still Kai’s movie.
--Unfortunately, Kai
ends up breaking the movie’s ideas in two.
At least with Delicious, he did what he did for the sake of the movie
and its ideas. With Kai, it’s impossible to get a sense that
he even cares about what’s going on around him.
He’s just along for the ride. All
I can say with some certainty is that he’s in it not to honor the life and
teachings of his lord, the man who took him in as his son, but so he can get
with said lord’s daughter. And thus
begins the most torturous and obtuse love story/save the princess plot I’ve
seen in my entire life. And I’ve seen
some shit.
--Hey, want to simulate
the relationship between Kai and his main squeeze Mika? It’s easy!
Just grab a Brillo Pad and a plastic flower, grind them together once
every thirty minutes, and in two hours’ time you’ll have a romance that makes Romeo and Juliet look like the flies
buzzing around a mule’s ass! Kai’s
expression through the entire movie changes maybe once or twice -- and his tone
of voice changes even less. Mika spends
just as much time looking sad and fragile, and either gets no lines, or has
them spent going on about Kai.
--There’s zero
chemistry between them, but I’m supposed to believe that this is the thrust of
Kai’s quest? These two love each other so much in spite of
spending about ten minutes of screen time together? Further, why is it that this worthless love
story is a focus of the plot, even though Kai says near the start that they can
never be together, and then because
reasons before the end he says he’ll never leave her? Except, you know, when he leaves her to fight
a dragon? Or leaves her to go die via
ritualistic suicide because he took part in the 47’s plan, which by nature was
designed to end with them dying?
--Oh crap, I just
remembered that kai is the Japanese
word for shellfish.
--Much like Man of Steel (I just gagged a little),
the problem with this movie is that instead of being just a story about swordsmen
going out for revenge and honor, it has to be an hours-long treatise on what it
means to be a samurai, and what it means to have honor, and what it means to
serve a lord, and what it means to die with dignity. Movie, I don’t need you to spell it out for
me. I can read subtext. Let me come to my own conclusions,
please. But I guess that’s too much to
ask, seeing as how the movie starts with a voice-over that explains things I
kind of needed to see for myself, and
how so many lines of dialogue go “blah blah blah honor blah blah blah
dignity.” I have a number of books on
the samurai mindset, up to and including The
Book of Five Rings. Why should I
count on you to change my view on those fabled Japanese warriors when you can’t
even decide if you’re telling a love story or indulging in revenge fantasies?
--I almost clocked out
before the half-hour mark (or was it the half-hour mark? This movie felt twice as long as it really
is) thanks to the plot’s inciting incident.
Basically, the shogun comes to visit and watch a tournament between the
“best fighters” of Lord Asano -- on Team Good Guy -- and Lord Kira --
representing the bad guys as obviously as possible -- because…well, why
not? But apparently there are some
hijinks behind the scenes and Asano’s fighter gets attacked by a witch or
something. Shellfish finds him and tells
Delicious that the witch is nearby, and Delicious responds not by saying, “Oh
crap, this could mean trouble for the lord!
Let’s try and sort this out!” No,
his response is pretty much “Pfft, you would
say that, wouldn’t you, half-breed?
Who cares about witches? You’re
wrong and stupid!” DO SOMETHING, YOU ASS
CLOWN.
--What I find really
infuriating is that there’s still more to it, and it only gets dumber. Shellfish wants to warn Asano that there’s
treachery afoot, and his best fighter -- in what I guess is a tournament with
one round and two fighters -- has been hit with magic. But Delicious says “There’s no time,” and
Shellfish ends up putting on some armor to fight while disguised. NO.
NO. GOD NO. WHY?
AND NO. Why is it that there’s not enough time to
warn the lord (and possibly even the shogun) that there’s a potential assassin
in the ranks, but plenty of time for Shellfish to deck himself out in full
armor?
--Why is the
“half-breed” even allowed anywhere if he’s just going to be mistreated,
especially if there’s a pretty good chance he’ll have to take off his mask even
if his helmet didn’t get knocked off his face (because reasons)? Why not let Delicious put on the armor
instead? Is it because if not for that
dumb string of decisions -- one that inevitably does lead to Asano getting
bewitched, brainwashed, and committing a crime that forces his death -- the
movie would have no way to cram in a big dumb action scene that goes nowhere
and has no tension?
--In hindsight, I’m
starting to think that this movie is (almost paradoxically) treating the
audience like idiots while demanding too much of them. It’s regularly shoving its main ideas in your
face instead of letting them naturally creep into your mind; despite that, it
assumes that just because events kinda-sorta
happened in the actual tale -- liberties aside -- you have no reason to
question why they happen in the movie.
--Why would the shogun just
have Shellfish beaten instead of killed outright, especially if he’s supposed
to be half-white half-demon? Why
would the shogun demand that Asano kill himself when he was clearly under the
influence of someone looking for power?
Why wouldn’t obvious asshole villain Kira go after the shogun instead of
just trying to take the land of a rival, especially since Kira has a witch in
his back pocket that could easily help make that happen? Why would Kira even bother with a needlessly
elaborate plan to potentially shame Asano to death when he could have just assassinated
Asano in any number of ways (and in fact arrows are used later on in the movie
almost to the same effect)? Why not just make use of the witch? Where did Kira even meet the witch if having super-sensing powers like Shellfish is only possible via demon blood? Did she come to him? If so, why?
--What does
the witch stand to gain from working for an obvious asshole villain? Why does the witch not have a name? What if Kira actually taking Asano’s land is
actually a good thing? What if he’s
actually a brilliant leader who could instate sweeping economic reform? What if we’re just forced to believe that he’s
an obvious asshole villain because every character in this movie has 1/5th
of one character trait? Why does there
need to be an arranged marriage subplot between Mika and Kira for the unity of
their two territories, if not just to give Shellfish a motivation straight
outta Super Mario Bros.?
--I hope you’re still
playing Groose’s theme. It’s more than a
little fitting, I’ve found.
--This movie reads like
the worst fanfiction.net has to offer.
So there’s this guy who was found in a forest and has this girl he
loves, but he can’t have her because reasons.
But that’s okay, because he’s the greatest swordsman who ever lived,
because he’s a half-demon, but he’s just so tortured
about it, as you can see from his clear lack of emotion and reactions to anything. And everyone’s so totally jealous of his
powers, because who wouldn’t be when he can bust up an armored goliath’s sword,
sense things nobody else can, split an incoming wall of fire in half, chop down
branches with a single one-handed slash, and warp around in a rush of smoke
which he probably should have done at the outset to save his girlfriend -- who,
much like him, is tortured because they can never, ever be together?
--If you’re going into
this movie expecting wall-to-wall action, don’t. This movie continues the trend of saving most
of its action for the latter third or so, and “developing characters” for the
rest of the movie while sprinkling in the occasional big dumb action
scene. The problem is that in order to
make the wait for that final fight sequence worth it -- to make both the quiet
and loud parts have merit -- you have to make every component worthwhile. This is something that a movie like Pacific Rim understood that a
theoretically-smarter movie like 47 Ronin
doesn’t. There’s no zest, no
resolve, no charisma; they’re just whittling away the hours with shots of
Shellfish’s ever-motionless beard, or pontificating about what it means to have
honor. It works for a movie like Pacific Rim because I care about the
characters, the world, and the stakes.
It doesn’t work for a movie like 47
Ronin because they do their damnedest to make you NOT care.
--Congratulations. You've now seen the one face Shellfish makes through the entire movie. Ah, such nuance.
--I pretty much called
this as soon as I first saw a trailer for the movie, but there was no way they
could make all 47 ronin distinct characters.
There was just no way. And that’s
fine. But this movie couldn’t even be
arsed to give us two. Shellfish and
Delicious are worthless, much like every other “main” character. (Except maybe
the witch, if only because it’s mind-numbing to see Mako Mori gleefully indulge in
a needlessly homoerotic interplay of sex and violence with Mika.) Who are the other ronin? Pretty much just extras -- guys in costume
designed to make the final battle look larger in scale…and they pull away from
that to go back to Shellfish.
--There are exactly
three jokes in this movie. That’s more
than Man of Steel’s whopping one, but they’re either really bad (ha
ha! There’s a fat guy bathing!), hurt
the story (ha ha! One of our comrades
can’t cut a branch! He’ll come in handy
in this fight to the death!), or just create some huge tonal shifts (I know you
could have died, fat man, but let me just remind you how fat you are!). It goes without saying, then, that the movie
is oppressive in its tone and gravitas, playing everything with crippling
seriousness and treating every event like some profound revelation. Movie, you’re not as smart as you think you
are. You’re really not. I know you’ve got the guy who said “Whoa”
that one time as your leading man, but you don’t have to try to make the
audience do that in every scene. Because you can't. Because you're dumb.
--Well, I think that’s
enough nitpicking. Now it’s time for a
confession: I fell asleep during this movie.
I fell asleep during what is ostensibly an action movie; that’s pretty
much an automatic failure. Granted I
fell asleep during the dreary talky-talky bits, and I guess technically this IS more drama than action, but even when things started
getting into high gear (and not even to that point, because who the hell needs
entertainment?), I had to fight back yawns.
Only one in three visual setpieces are interesting, the fantasy elements
are misfit and uninspired, there’s no sense of the scale of the world or the
conflict at large, and even the fights aren’t all that memorable. The only thing I remember is Shellfish’s
final Super Magical Ghosty-Stab, and a month from now I won’t even have that. How much effort did these bozos put in to
make katana sword fights boring?
--I’m utterly convinced
that 47 Ronin is a disaster. A complete disaster -- a misfire in every
sense of the word. It feels like it
missed the point of adapting the original story, even if I haven’t seen
anything of said original story for myself.
But you know what? The best thing
I can say about this movie is that it made me want to look at those
alternatives. It made me want to see how
it’s been done, and done well. Because I
can guaran-damn-tee you that this movie isn’t it. And that’s precisely why it’ll have to make
do with being right around HERE on my SmartChart™:
--Actually, you know
what? There is one other good thing to
come out of this little experience: because my screening of the movie glitched
out -- just enough to stall it, but not enough to bring it to an end --
everyone there got a voucher for a free movie-viewing of their choice. So, let’s see if I can make this miracle
count.
--And that’ll do it for
now. Going back into kinda-sorta-hiatus
mode in 3…2…1…