The Final Mix: A Kingdom Hearts Retrospective (Part 3)

I’m almost done with Kingdom Hearts 2…again.

To say that I have mixed feelings about the game would be an understatement the size of a double-decker bus.  Keeping in mind that I was one of the wide-eyed fans getting mega-hyped about its arrival (probably because I was a part of THE target audience), I have to wonder what state of mind drove me to get so excited.  Was it because of the flashy attacks?  Bashing enemies with pure style?  Going boosh-boosh-boosh and doing flip-de-loops?  If that’s the case, then anyone who needed evidence for their thesis on “How Teenagers Are All Idiots”, I’d make for some fine proof.

Kingdom Hearts 2 is not an awful game by any stretch.  It’s just full of things that make it hover dangerously close to the edge.  Roxas and his pain-inducing prologue, the disorganized Organization XIII, the shift from the east/west hybridization to cookie-cutter anime fare, the segregated plot, the still-piddling minigames, the absurd gameplay decisions, the unevenness of Reaction Commands, the mash-happy nature, the handling of the worlds…there’s a lot to discuss, and I will in due time.  But for everything the game does wrong, there are just a number of things that it does so right.

The same, of course, could be said for Kingdom Hearts 1.  Frankly, I find it funny that a game could be so flawed, yet so fantastic at the same time.

(There’s your alliteration for the day.)

Why Anime is Amazing: The Revengeance

Stop what you're doing and watch this video.

This...THIS is art.

Sonic the Hedgehog: Forever Tails

I missed out on the NES generation of gaming.  If you asked me about World 4-2 of Super Mario Bros. or the sixth dungeon in The Legend of Zelda, I’d probably just stare blankly at you for a little while before letting fly an enlightened “…Guh?”  The NES was just barely before my time, I think -- and that was a problem only exaggerated one Christmas morning.

I woke up to have a huge box waiting for me under a tree sitting at the bottom of the staircase.  And after faffing about for a bit, rocking to and fro in the fetal position with a Joker-sized grin on my face while I waited for my parents to wake up and we could do that whole “celebrate Christmas as a family” business, I tore off the wrapping like a wolverine.  And what should I find but a Sega Genesis, bundled with a copy of Sonic the Hedgehog 2? 

I Hraet You (7)

Beat 7: You Know What They Say About What Comes With Great Power, Right?

Lloyd smiled.  It would seem that I have returned.

               

He sat in the director’s chair once more, albeit with a much more confident posture than last time.  He had no reason to worry or fear this time around; even as the colorless world encased him, he felt as if he’d entered his own personal command center rather than an altered plane.  He slid his glasses up his face with one finger, his smirk reaching critical levels of smugness; yes, this WAS his command center, the launching point of his operations.  He would own it.  Use it.  Have it serve as the foundation to his empire of breasts.

               

It’s finally that time.  Now, show yourself once more, Miss Walters!  Appear before me, and feel the power of my heart!

               

Lloyd held out a hand, as if to invite Trixie onto the ballroom floor.  Sure enough, his lady of the evening stepped onto the stage, script in hand.  “Miss Walters!  It’s a pleasure to see you once more,” he practically sang.  “Now then, I’m looking forward to a good showing from you.  Let’s get to work, shall we?”

               

But Trixie merely stood there, cocking her head like a puppy.  “Uh…sorry, but…have we met?”

               

And with those words Lloyd’s smugness levels hit record lows. 

E3 2012: So What Now?

Did you know that I like video games? 

Yep.  I’ve been following them closely since my indoctrination via the Sega Genesis.  I’m certainly older (and marginally wiser) than I was back then, so it’s hard to say whether my admiration of the hobby will last until my final moments on my death bed.  If I am still a gamer, I’d like to think I’d tell my family to screw off while I tried to unlock the final bonus stage in Elite Beat Agents…which would beg the question of why I’d be carrying decades-old technology, but whatever.  I’d be a wizened old man at 46, tranquilly accepting my end and proud to know I beat Sin and Punishment 2, if nothing else.

And in less than a month, the event that any gamer worth his arcade stick knows about will be upon us.  The Electronic Entertainment Expo, better known as E3.  It’s a moment of celebration and wide-eyed anticipation for gamers everywhere; developers set up booths that sprawl as far and wide as the average house.  Notables from the industry assemble en masse, bringing with them no shortage of celebrities.  Technology and games that can potentially change the world are showcased with reckless abandon, all for the sake of ensuring the loyalty of fans already hanging off the word of every presentation, and staving off the need for food, water, blinking, and attention to family members for the sake of experiencing the action.

E3 is almost upon us again.  And I look forward to it with equal parts excitement and fear.

I Hraet You (6)

Beat 6: Is He a Genius, or an Idiot?  (You Should Bet on the Latter)

Whew.  It looks like I finally made it, Lloyd thought.  He pressed his hands against his knees and took a few deep breaths.  I should definitely start doing more cardio.  Running from women on a regular basis doesn’t provide nearly as much exercise as I thought it would.  As he regained his breath, he stood upright once more, and stared ahead.  Now then.  Let’s see if my guess was correct.

               

As if he’d refused to learn from last time -- or just wanted to try his luck against the bleak laws of causality -- Lloyd stood across the street from High Tide Park.  But to his surprise, the coastal world he’d come to love had changed so quickly.  The boardwalk went beyond just being empty; yellow tape stretched from one end of its entrance to another, and orange-striped barricades stood sentry just a foot before it.  Construction workers and suited men alike rambled on before it, pointing at the now-motionless rides within.  A trio of heavy machines, dirt-caked and big-wheeled, looked primed to tear through anything in their way, like the toys of some titanic toddler.  As Lloyd looked inward, he spotted the wreckage at the broken edge of the park -- warped metal and snapped planks, melding into a mess of salt-splashed petals.  On the plus side, the beach on the park’s left had more visitors than it had in months; onlookers gathered and pointed at the mess, taking pictures all the while.

               

“Wh-what on earth?”  Lloyd -- in spite of just returning from the hospital -- stomped across the street, and glared furiously at the first construction worker within slapping distance.  “Now see here, sir!  What’s the meaning of closing down a fine establishment such as this?”

               

The construction worker -- with a half-foot and at least eighty pounds on Lloyd -- turned towards him.  “Park’s comin’ down,” he answered, shifting his hard hat a bit.  “Cryin’ shame, but it can’t be helped.”

Some Soundcloud Patronage

My big brother's something of an artist (or "arteest" if you prefer).  He majored in graphic design, but he's been branching out recently; he's made a couple of nice songs that you can download here for free.

Like, right here.  Here, nestled between these words like a lusty lover, beckoning for some midnight bliss.

Suggestive imagery aside, go nab 'em.  It'll make him happier than the time he found out about a Kolache Festival in the depths of Texas. Seriously, he loves those things; don't put a box of them in front of him if you don't want him to eat himself sick.

...Huh.  I guess a love of meat in between bread runs in the family.

Kingdom Hearts: Much Ado About Roxas

I finished Kingdom Hearts 1 a few days ago with something very near a smile on my face. 

I acknowledge that it’s not the greatest game ever.  It has its fair number of faults, in its story and especially in its gameplay (which I’ll get to soon, as part of the retrospective).  Its worlds can inspire either wonder or an overwhelming desire to find the nearest steel wall to bash your head against.  But for what it’s worth, KH1 has aged surprisingly well -- much better than I would have expected.  So when I saw that final scene, with Sora, Donald and Goofy chasing after Pluto down a sunny road with smiles on their faces, I thought to myself, Yeah.  Yeah, this is all right.

KH1 has its flaws.  But it’s the ability of a good game -- no, a good story -- to leave you eager to praise it in spite of its faults.  It’s something along the lines of its net worth; add the positives and negatives together, and if you come out positive in the end, you’ve made a profit in enjoyment.  And overall, KH1 made a huge profit in my book.

So yeah.  I was feeling pretty good about the game.  But at the same time, there was a great sense of dread knotting up in my stomach.  I knew that I had to be fair and impartial.  I knew that if I gave one game a chance, I’d have to do the same for another.

And so, not five minutes after finishing KH1, I reset the PS2, took out the disk, and slid the next trial into the tray.

Kingdom Hearts 2, I thought, swallowing hard.  How bad could it be?

I Hraet You (5)

Beat 5: No Such Thing as Consequences

“So where are we on the whole steak thing?” Patton asked.  “’Cause I’m all for it, if we’re voting on it.”

               

JP shook his head and continued staring out the van’s window.  “It takes both me and Lloyd to get through just half of one of your steaks,” he said, watching as the sunset-soaked stores of Mason Street whizzed by.  “It’s wasted effort -- and wasted money.  All the food ends up going in your belly.”

               

“It’s not a waste if someone gets to eat,” Patton argued.  “Besides, how will you and your brother grow up big and strong if you don’t get some meat in your systems?  Don’t tell me you’re going to count on --” He snorted out a laugh.  “Artichokes.”

               

“I’ve never had one.  And I hope I never do.”

               

“Then you’d better eat!  Eat some meat!”

Super Blog Post 100th Post Gag Post Happy Fun Trailer Time

…This is the worst thing that I’ve ever created and you should not watch it and I’m sorry for making it and you should definitely not click the jump. 

Click the jump to see more!