“So where are we on the
whole steak thing?” Patton asked.
“’Cause I’m all for it, if we’re voting on it.”
JP shook his head and
continued staring out the van’s window.
“It takes both me and Lloyd to get through just half of one of your
steaks,” he said, watching as the sunset-soaked stores of Mason Street whizzed
by. “It’s wasted effort -- and wasted
money. All the food ends up going in
your belly.”
“It’s not a waste if
someone gets to eat,” Patton argued.
“Besides, how will you and your brother grow up big and strong if you
don’t get some meat in your systems?
Don’t tell me you’re going to count on --” He snorted out a laugh. “Artichokes.”
“I’ve never had
one. And I hope I never do.”
“Then you’d better
eat! Eat some meat!”
He sat up and raised a
hand. “So I have a confession to make,”
he began, interrupting their talk of the glory of hot dogs. “I think I may have some sort of superpower
now, and I’d like your help to put it to good use.”
JP turned back toward
Lloyd. “You really need to learn to
think before you speak,” he chided. “And
I mean ‘think like a normal person.’ Not
everybody lives in Lloyd Land.”
“A fair point,
considering I’ve yet to build an amusement park in my name,” said Lloyd with a
brush of his bangs (and a groan from JP).
“But that’s not important. I
think that the accident awakened some latent talent in me -- one that, I
suspect, could help plenty of people if given the chance. But I’d rather not do it alone, if I can
possibly help it; I’ll need your smarts, JP, and your strength, Dad.”
JP raised an
eyebrow. “And what are you going to
contribute?”
“My acting skills, of
course!”
“First of all, no. Second of all, are you crazy? And third of all, hell no. You really expect us to believe you’ve got
powers? Like what? And where’s your proof?” His eyes narrowed. “Does this have something to do with that
surfer girl? Are you sure you-”
Patton nodded. “I believe you, son.”
“D-Dad!”
“It’s all right, JP. You and I both know Lloyd’s not the kind of
man who lies. If he says he’s got powers
now, then he’s got powers.”
Lloyd ran a forearm
over his face and sniffled. “Dad, I’m so
moved I could cry!”
“Don’t. Only cry when it’s absolutely necessary. That’s how a real man lives.”
“Fair enough.” He waved a hand through the air. “At any rate, I’m certain about this power of
mine. I can’t give you any concrete
evidence -- yet -- but give me enough
time, and I can make something amazing happen, given the chance.”
“Such as?” JP
asked. “Don’t tell me you’re planning on
trying to stop a train, or doing some web-slinging.”
Lloyd stroked his
chin. “It’s all conjecture for now, but
it’s more of a passive ability than a physical one. You could even argue that it’s a psychic
ability.”
“So what does it do?”
Patton asked, turning his head a hair from the road.
“Again, it’s all
conjecture. But if my guess is correct,
it’s a power that lets me touch the heart.”
JP rustled for a bit in
his seat, searching his data banks for the most applicable insult. “Dad, I think we need a second opinion. Lloyd’s brain is still broken. Well, more broken than usual.”
“It’s not broken, damn
it!” Lloyd wailed, pumping his fists up and down like a toddler. “If anything, it’s better than it’s ever
been, now that I’m effectively an esper.”
“So what, can you read
minds?” Patton asked, wondering if his son knew he still had steaks on the
brain (and wasn’t above raiding a farm two towns over to get the meat, if need
be).
“Not necessarily. It’s hard to describe without getting some
extra practice with it, but I suspect it’s more like a connection. A bond between my mind -- or rather, my heart
-- and the target. And while we’re
connected, I can influence the target with my actions. Elevating their moods, as far as I can
tell.” He turned aside. He wasn’t too eager to explain -- or even
wonder -- just what would happen if Trixie had hit zero stars.
“So basically, you have
the power to…make people happy?” JP asked.
“If I were you, I’d be pissed.
That sounds like a pretty crappy power.”
“So you believe me
now?”
“Don’t get too
hasty. I’m just saying that -- IF this
thing exists -- then it sounds like a power I could do without.” He leaned out of his seat and faced his
brother, his typically annoyed stare giving way to one of quiet
apprehension. “If this power of yours is
real, don’t you think it’s got to have some drawbacks, too?”
“True enough. But name me one thing in life that doesn’t
have a drawback.” He shook his head
slowly. “Regardless of the consequences,
this is something that I can’t afford to turn my back on. I can use this power to touch people’s hearts
in a way no one else can. And you expect
me to relent, just to save my own being?
JP, you’ve misjudged me severely.”
JP grumbled and slid
back into his seat, arms folded and head hung low. “This wouldn’t happen to be related to your
‘big-breasted harem paradise’ thing, would it?”
“It may very well be.”
“You know, that would
have been a great opportunity for you to lie.”
“It’s like I said. Lloyd isn’t the type of person to lie -- that’s
part of what makes him a man,” said Patton, his bear-scaring voice now swelling
with pride. As he came to a stop behind
a red light, he glanced at his eldest son.
“You’re serious about this, aren’t you?
This ‘heart’ thing, your harem, all of it?”
Lloyd patted a hand
against his chest and nodded. “I would
stake my very soul on it. A new battle
is about to begin in our fair town -- and I will lead the charge, as its impassioned
genera-”
“Lloyd,” JP
snapped. “Too hammy.”
But Patton merely
nodded in approval. “If you’re serious,
then go ahead. Do whatever you need to
do.” He looked to JP for a moment, and then
turned back to Lloyd. “Show us both your
proof. Let us see that you’ve got the
power -- and that you’re a man who
can handle any challenge. If you can do
that, then we’ll both support you.”
“You can’t be serious,
Dad!” JP blurted.
“It’s what your mother
would want, son. I’m sure she’d be
happy, knowing that her boys are growing into some fine-ass men.” He shuddered.
“And I really don’t want her haunting me anytime soon. I mean, yeah, I can take on an angry mob or
two, but how am I supposed to fight a ghost?”
JP groaned, and ran his
hands through his hair. “You’re both
idiots,” he muttered. In spite of that,
he sighed and threw up his hands in defeat.
“But I guess if I don’t lend a hand, you two will be behind bars -- or
worse -- in a week’s time.”
“So you’ll help me?”
Lloyd asked.
“IF you can show us
proof. And the sooner the better. After all, tomorrow’s the big day. You can’t afford to be wasting time, and
neither can I.”
“I haven’t forgotten,”
said Lloyd, a wily smile inching across his face. “In fact, I’ll do you both a service. Before this day is over, I’ll have your proof
upon our doorstep -- AND a willing member of our alliance to boot!” He shot a thumb towards his chest. “Heed my words, my faithful kin; by the sweat
of my brow and the heat of my soul, the world will soon cheer in awe at the
sound of my voice, and let loose their tears at the sight of my violet
crown! I, Lloyd B. Hoigleheimer --”
“God, our last name
sucks,” JP mumbled.
“-- will use this
newfound power for justice and glory the likes of which the world has never
known! For the sake of my estrogen-laden
paradise, I shall triumph! Triumph! TRIUMPH!”
“Why did you say the
last part three times?” Patton asked.
“I was going for an
echo effect.” Lloyd placed one hand on
the van’s door handle, and raised the other to his forehead in salute. “And now, dear family, I depart! When next we meet, I’ll be one step closer to
the new age!” He winked at Patton. “Have those steaks ready, Dad! Tonight, we feast!” And before anyone could object, he opened the
door, tumbled into the street, dusted himself off, and skipped toward the beach
-- making sure to twirl around a lamp post or two on the way there.
“It’s a miracle he
survived middle school,” said JP.
“Seriously, who the hell jumps out of a moving vehi-”
SKRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Patton sent the van
into a drift that would make even Vin Diesel jealous, throwing smoke and
asphalt chips into the air. JP’s head
nearly smashed through the window; luckily he didn’t, but he still got a bruise
that he wouldn’t forget anytime soon.
“Dad, what the hell?!” he asked, righting himself in his seat.
“You heard the man! It’s steak night!” Patton slammed an elephant-sized foot onto
the gas, ready for a little demolition derby if it would get him to the store
any faster. “Hell yeah, steaks! That’s my boy!”
I have to have been adopted, JP thought with a sour frown. I…I
just have to. He gasped and pointed
ahead. “Dad, watch out for that old lady
--!”
“Huh? What old lady?”
“…Never mind.”
No comments:
Post a Comment