Voltech’s Super 3D Adventures of HYPER-DOOM

Alternate post title: Don’t You Just Love it When One Mistake Made Weeks Ago Ends Up Invalidating the Weeks of Work That Follow?

Okay, maybe that wouldn’t be much of an alternate title.  But damned if it doesn’t accurately represent my situation -- and yet despite that, I’m actually not that mad about it.

Just…residually mad, I’d say.

Hiatus Time is (Almost) Over!

*insert crickets chirping here*

Yeah, it’s getting close to that time, so I figured it’d be best if I make a quick housekeeping post to announce it.  I’ve been holding Cross-Up down this winter with one-a-week posts, compared to the usual two, as per the hiatus -- one that I went on to finish writing a novel.  The progress on that is…going to take some explaining, but to put it simply?  Assuming everything goes well, I’ll be done with the lion’s share of the work before the end of the month.  Or maybe by the end of the month.  That’s a big assumption, though.  I’ve had three separate IRL interruptions in this day alone, so anything (awful) could happen.

Some days I wonder if it’s because I’m secretly a font of chaos and calamity.  It’s possible.  Check back with me three Thursdays from now; those seem to be my unluckiest days.  Not Mondays, for whatever reason.

The Final Final Fantasy (15) -- Part 1

I think…

I think…

I think…

Yep.  This franchise is dead to me.

Do Me a Solid: Tumblr Arrange

Everybody have a good Valentine’s Day?  Cool.  Then let’s completely disregard the allure and appeal of selflessly showing affection to the dearly beloved, and focus solely on helping me.

Because I’m an altruist, you see.

RE: Star Wars: The Force Awakens

First things first: Ryan and/or Rory, if you’re reading this, then this isn’t the ten-thousand-word post you’re looking for.  But it’s something for now -- with a Star Wars reference to boot -- and the real post will go up this coming Thursday.  Assuming that all goes well and there’s no major catastrophe, but you get the idea.

Just as well, though.  I’m sure that not everyone’s gotten a chance to go out and see the movie for themselves (as of this post), so the smart thing to do is to wait until a little time has passed.  Not only that, but it’s a good idea to let the movie sink in.  I personally prefer having time to digest a movie before talking about it in full, and in a lot of ways that’s preferable to spewing a bunch of words before everything settles in.  With that said, I’ll make a slight exception this time around.  Because A) I feel like I’ve done more than enough digesting at this point, and B) I might as well take part in this cultural event and do what everyone else is probably doing.  Because relevance.  Or peer pressure.  Or self-righteous vindication.  Take your pick.

So, this post is NOT a review.  It will NOT have spoilers (i.e. anything beyond what’s been in trailers and widely-released info online).  Granted some stuff might allude to events that happen, but I’ll try to keep things vague.  This post is more of a reaction, full of my opinions, thoughts, and biases -- as is my standard.  You know, in case anyone out there ever thought they should take me seriously.

 Ready?  HERE WE GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

The World’s Spookiest Post?

I’d imagine that with Halloween right around the corner, people are flooding the internet with skeletons, ghosts, zombies, vampires, werewolves, jack-o-lanterns, and other nightmarish ephemera (even though it’s plainly obvious that there’s nothing scarier than the creatures lurking in the ocean).  This would be the part where I play into that -- or more appropriately, do a post about something super-spooky.  A scary game, for one.  But I just did a hefty post on Crimson Peak, and it kind of feels like I’d be double-dipping.

So I asked myself, “What would be the scariest thing I could offer up to anyone who stumbles upon this post?”  And the answer to that is simple: art by someone who has no business trying to do art.  Because there’s nothing scarier than someone without talent shoving his lack of talent in people’s faces!

Mediocrity, ooooooooOOOOOoooOOOOoooooooooo!  How chilling!

Two consoles enter, one console leaves!

The title implies as much, but this is actually pretty cut and dry.  So let’s get to it and not think about Mad Max any longer than we have to -- because it’s just going to bring up thoughts on Fury Road, and I imagine that would be a pretty big distraction.

Alternatively, it could bring up thoughts of the recent Mad Max game, and I imagine that would plunge readers into the depths of despair.  Maybe.  I haven’t heard the most glowing recommendations for that one.

SOS! URGENT! Attention-Grabbing Title!

Don’t worry, it’s not like I’m being held at gunpoint or anything.  But I think it’d be best if I got as much attention as possible via this post.  Because it could very well decide THE FATE OF THE UNIVERSE.  By which I mean “this blog”.  By which I mean “yo, I could use some reader input here”.

And to facilitate that…well, I’ll take the low-brow approach and fill this post with pictures of Christina Hendricks.  It worked once, so I figure it’ll work again.  Plus her classiness should even out the dirtiness of my scumbag tactics.

It’s fine, though.  You’ll know I’m really scraping the barrel when I fill a post with Alyson Hanningan pictures.  She’s the best.

Final Fantasy 7: All the Silliest

You know what gamers need?  Some kind of official poll system.

We may all identify under the hobby, but the collective is such a fractured mess that even the most basic classification is rough.  I’m a fan of Destructoid, for example, but there are others who frequent Polygon, others who prefer USGamer, and yes, even those who like IGN.  How do you get them to come together?  To even begin to acknowledge one another’s opinions, gathered in a conclusive format?  A universal poll -- one where all gamers vote on topics and see where their brethren stand on an issue.  It’ll never happen, of course, but it’s nice to think about as a way to offer up some perspective.

I only ask for that poll because I’d like to have proof that gamers aren’t just a massive mob of hypocrites…even if it seems like they kind of are.  “Give us something new and original!” they cry out -- and then Call of Duty and Assassin’s Creed still make mad money. “They’re just trying to win us over with brand names and nostalgia!” they rage -- while games built on brand names and nostalgia get funded in hours, if not minutes, via Kickstarter.  “Enough with the remakes and remasters!” they yell to the heavens.

And then everyone loses their minds over a Final Fantasy 7 remake -- which is a dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, silly, silly, dumb idea.  And also dumb.

E3 2015: Leaving the Engine Running

Far be it from me to conform to traditions -- but I’m gonna go ahead and conform to traditions, and do yet another post on E3.  Why?  Presumably, because I enjoy the metaphorical bashing of my head against a brick wall.

Well, that’s more hyperbole than anything, but I have to be honest: I’m starting to sympathize with anyone who thinks E3 is stupid or pointless.  Or the conferences, at least; I don’t know about you, but I feel like a lot of these conferences would be a lot better if they were half as long at a bare minimum.  That way, there’s no need to pad out the run time.  They can keep their focus.  They can use their time judiciously.  Maybe not waste time at a video game convention by bringing an aged soccer player in for a minutes-long interview. 

But let’s not worry about what’s already passed (or will probably happen again next year).  Let’s dip our feet into this great big vat of video games.

Voltech’s Super 3D Adventures (of Destruction)

Alternate post title: Blame EventHubs.

An I Hraet You Quasi/Anti-Update

If you’ve got a functioning pair of eyeballs, then you’ve probably noticed that things look a little different around here.  Not different enough to make you go “Yikesy mikesy!” I’d bet, but enough to at least earn a partially-raised eyebrow.  I wouldn’t call the new look a complete overhaul of the blog, because it isn’t; I just tweaked things here and there in terms of aesthetics.  Not the layout.  And even then, I’m not 100% sure I’ll stick with everything here; the color scheme looks as sickly as I did not too long ago when I learned first-hand why you should never gamble with year-old honey mustard dressing.

Consider it a lesson I’ll take to heart.

Anyway, the biggest and most important change -- one that I should have made a long time ago -- is that the post background is white, while the post text is black.  The colors are inverted.  It doesn’t look as cool as the last setup, but from what I’ve heard, it’s certainly more readable.  And that’s what I need to go for right now more than anything; the reason for that is because hopefully, I’ll have people do even more reading on this blog soon enough.  And it’d probably help my case if I wasn’t doing my best to make people go blind.  Just a hunch, though.

RE: Re: RE: Beyond: Two Souls

Alternate post title: How to Ruin Valentine’s Day

Alternate (alternate) post title: The Actual Title of This Post Has Too Many Colons

Lightning Returns: One Final Battle

I don’t think I’ve had an existential crisis this bad since I watched Transformers: Dark of the Moon and legitimately wanted to bash my head against something until everything went black. 

Just thought I’d throw that out there to set the tone.