I’m starting to suspect
that Square-Enix is the patron saint of faffing about.
Since my PSP fatally
overheated a few years back, I haven’t been able to get my hands on Kingdom Hearts: Birth by Sleep. A shame, really, because between me and my
brother that was the only game that could convince us the PSP had any games
worth buying. I still had fond memories
of the KH series, if a little tainted
at that point; the first one was great (in my opinion, of course), and I
remember how eagerly I awaited the second game.
And I remember how, by the end of the second game, I was sorely
disappointed.
But I was willing to
love again. I remembered the wonder I
felt from the first game -- of a simple, lighthearted tale hearkening back to
my days as a Disney-watching lad. Of an
honest search for Sora’s friends, combined with the ability to tag-team with
Aladdin and Tarzan, and take on Cloud and Yuffie. It was a crew of Disney villains teaming up,
and my best bet was to rely on Goofy and Donald -- and my Keyblade -- to see me
to victory. I could fight. I could glide. I could roll and jump, guard and even deflect
blows. I took on enemies as simple as a
Shadow, and as monstrous as the titans from Hercules. Like the theme song suggested, it was “simple
and clean.” Nothing too overwrought,
nothing too complex. It was just a story
of a kid visiting strange new worlds, making new friends while searching for
old ones.
Such sweet
memories. So much so that, years later,
I decided that even if I didn’t have a PSP I’d experience Birth by Sleep the best way I could. I’d watch every last bit of it online.
Thus far, it has not
been a good experience.
"It's morphin' time!"
The earnest search for
friends is repeated here, but much more poorly.
In KH1, Sora’s plight came
from the fact that he was more or less ejected from Destiny Island -- his
hometown, lost to the darkness -- and he was abandoned alone in a new
world. In BBS, Ventus’s plight isn’t nearly as great because a) he’s known
about other worlds and can/could have/possibly has travelled to them at any
given time, b) his “missing” friends are not only more competent, but they’re
arguably not in any danger as much as Riku and Kairi were in the original, and
c) the problems he (and his friends, I’d wager) are entirely avoidable if they
just talk to each other for five minutes -- doubly so, because they actually
regroup unharmed and untested.
Five minutes. Five minutes to stop and talk and explain
themselves, rather than vaguely dance around subjects. Terra (who I’m convinced is an idiot until
otherwise) goes gallivanting through the universe without explaining himself --
not even to the “friends” he’s supposed to trust passionately. And why?
I’d wager it’s because he’s listening to incredibly, obviously evil characters. Ventus is less of a thinking human and more
of a dog, searching for master Terra without any thought or perception of
anything around him…well, except when he forgets about Terra and decides to
help out a random stranger or chase some dwarves (and you wonder why you just missed him over and over…). I have high hopes for Aqua -- if only so she
can break the iron grip of bromance that’s strangling the series -- but she’s
not without fault. So you’re spying on
your friends? Yeah, I can see why, but
things might go a little better if you justify why you’re spying besides “the
master loves you.” Or better yet,
explain to them what’s going on at the home base. Or better yet, bring some of those other
“Keyblade Masters” and bring the idiot boys back by force.
I’ll admit that I’ve
only seen about thirteen out of some sixty videos, but thus far the story
smacks of idiocy and contrivance.
Nowhere is this more blatant than when Ven, Terra, and Aqua reunite
after a boss battle and they have a chance to convince one another that what
they’re doing is right. Terra’s about to
head off and be an idiot, giving some vague reason. Aqua says she’s seen what Terra’s been doing,
and suggests that maybe he’s hanging out with the wrong crowd. Considering that villains in this series tend
to look like this…
…You’d think that might
cause Terra to give pause.
Unfortunately, he calls her out on spying on him, and decides to blow
her off. Fine. If we’re going to have a prequel like Star Wars, might as well go all the way
and have the Anakin Skywalker clone ass everything up as fast as possible. But then, Ventus -- rather than listening to
Aqua and what she has to say -- decides to blow her off too, acts like she’s in
the wrong, and heads off to catch up with Terra. (It’s at this point where I start to wonder
if the Kingdom Hearts writers hate
women.) As if that weren’t bad enough,
Ven goes into angst-mode and mopes about the good ol’ days between them…and
then you start to suspect that the plot is getting derailed because Ven starts
saying things like “I’m just looking to make some friends” and “I wish somebody
was looking out for me.” Ven, you
already have friends; it’s just that one of them blew you off for no reason,
and then you blew off another one --
one that was trying to help you --
for no reason. And someone is looking
out for you; ignoring the fact that Aqua’s first mission as a newly-minted
Keyblade Master is to go corral two idiots, you’ve got the master of an
organization of noble knights (at least, I hope there are more than four people
in that organization) watching over you and promising you a similar career once
you’re older. Why in fuck’s name are you
moping?
Oh, right.
From what I can gather,
Ven’s story is a rehash of the “find your friends” story found in KH1 and…er, let’s call it “revisited” in
KH2.
The problem is that it was done better in the first game, and the fact
that we have to sit through another
take on the power of friendship is no easier than swallowing a pill the size of
a medicine ball. I know it’s an
important theme, and valuable and capable of being played in many different
respects, but there are other plots that need resolving and exploration. There’s a masked boy with a keyblade moving
about, one that Terra and Ven are both aware of. Do they discuss it? Nope.
Do they stop to wonder what he’s after, or who he’s working for? Nope.
Does Ven decide to talk to Mickey, or tell anyone about Mickey? Nope. I
get the feeling I know how this’ll play out, because that’s exactly how it went
down in KH2: Sora -- I mean Ven --
goes from world-to-world, helping out in isolated incidents with the absolute
bare-bones of influence from the villains, other characters, or plot in
general. That is, until the halfway
point or so where OMG DRAMABOMB REVEAL (that only slightly changes things);
after which, Sora -- I mean Ven -- can go right back to faffing about in Disney
universes, barely aware of anything except where Riku -- I mean Terra -- might
be, in spite of indirectly telling Sora -- I mean Ven -- to piss off. Then DRAMABOMB boss fight bromance end.
This is why we make fun of you, Square-Enix.
There’s an inherent
flaw in the way “friendship” works in Kingdom
Hearts -- in this game, and in the series as a whole. In the first game, Donald makes it clear that
the worlds aren’t really supposed to interact, and they should keep their
shenanigans to a minimum (kind of like the Prime Directive, only for
cartoons). That’s why you didn’t bring
Peter Pan to Halloweentown, or try to imperialize Tarzan’s jungle. What it means is that the party members you
meet -- outside of Donald and Goofy -- are only temporary. You help them out, they fight with you, and
then it’s off to the next world to do the same.
The problem, then, is that the bonds you forge are shallow --fleeting
things that have little bearing on the plot, and only a vague connection with
Sora/Ven as a whole. You can take on
worlds in the order you choose. The
characters you meet in one world are never referenced again in another (unless
you’re one of the Princesses of Heart, and even they become pointless by the end
of the first game). They don’t have any
impact on things, because you know that the ones running the show are those
with absurd Squeenix-approved hairstyles…and THEIR problem is that they have
maybe ten minutes of screentime total before their reveal, boss fight, and
death. In other words, we’ve got Disney
characters who don’t really matter but get a huge focus, original Squeenix
characters who get a minor focus and are supposed to matter, but don’t until
the last hour of the game, and protagonists who never engage in the story’s
events and underpinnings because they’re too busy pining after their bros. The end result?
Nothing matters. Nothing.
It probably doesn't help that these guys are literally nobodies.
At least in KH1 the game created the illusion that
your faffing about mattered. Donald and
Goofy were there for a reason; they acted as a counterpoint to Sora’s optimism
and naiveté, respectively. They added
additional perspectives and voices to the story. And the Disney worlds, while ultimately
inconsequential, were charming and refreshing at the time. You knew they were on the center stage,
compounded by the fact that it was mostly the Disney villains, led by Maleficent,
that you were going up against for about ninety percent of the game. They were the Legion of Doom; you and the
Disney heroes were the Superfriends. Was
it a perfect story? No. But it was simple and earnest, and gave you a
few thrills along the way.
And now we’re at Birth by Sleep. No Donald or Goofy following behind. No Disney character mattering beyond a visit
to their world. Ratcheted-up angst from
the original, flighty tale. Our heroes,
practically taking pride in being morons.
Villains who have yet to make any marked impact on the story besides
looking creepy and evil. A plot we’ve
seen no less than twice before in the series, and only a few hundred times in
other, better RPGs. Each time they try
to make the game deeper and more complex, they end up making it more shallow
and contradictory -- they’re missing the point of what made Disney the
nostalgic juggernaut it is today.
You can even see the
progression into inanity from the titles.
Chain of Memories. Fine, I’ll take that. Final
Mix. Well, sure. coded
and Re:Coded. Er, this isn’t a computer.
Birth by Sleep. Dream Drop Distance. 358/2 Days. That last one is read as “Three Five Eight
Over Two Days.” The subtitle is longer
than the name of the actual game -- which would be fine if it didn’t sound utterly moronic when said out loud.
But I digress.
You could argue that
there’s still a lot more to learn and have revealed by virtue of BBS’ three-character storyline. I’d argue that you shouldn’t make one
character’s story -- one third of the game -- suck under the guise that things
will be better for the other two. To take a page from Penny Arcade (incidentally, on the subject of Final Fantasy XIII):
“Imagine my surprise
when discovering that the dude with a chocobo literally roosting - roosting, sir - in his afro is the only
character I have any affection for. I
don’t understand the thinking behind giving me lead characters, which the narrative can slowly alchemize into
gold. Why don’t you give me gold
characters, and then refine them into platinum? I mean, if we’re absolutely dedicated to
transmutation? God, I hate these fucking
people. I don’t give a shit what happens
to Sulky, Twat, Twit, Pip, and Marm.
Sometimes, I kill them on purpose.”
I guess the assumption
was that somebody atop Squeenix Mountain thought it would be a good idea to
make characters that start off as unlikable, but eventually become tolerable
past the twenty-five hour mark. In which
case, methinks it’s time to find that person and shoot a cannonball at his head
to satisfy my vendetta.
So.
That’s about where I stand with the game and the franchise as a
whole. Will things get better? I don’t know.
Hopefully. But with Ven’s story irritating me so quickly,
and Terra’s story --
Hold on. I need to go smoke a factory’s worth of
cigarettes.
-- with Terra’s story
coming up on the playlist, this doesn’t inspire confidence. I still hope -- I PRAY -- that Aqua’s story
finally puts my fears to rest.
"Dual X chromosomes, don't fail me now!"
I hope
that there’s proof enough that the inevitable Kingdom Hearts 3 will recapture the spirit and joy without all the
angst and dilly-dally-shilly-shally.
Because you see, unlike Final
Fantasy which has all but destroyed my faith, I still want to believe in Kingdom Hearts. I want to relive that joy all over
again. I want this story to come to a
conclusion with all its plot threads tied up, rather than adding onto the
questions and confusion like if The Blob fused with a Rubik’s Cube. I want to be able to enjoy the things I like,
but only if they fulfill the promises and potential they have.
I want to dream again.
“Thinking of you,
wherever you are.
We pray for our sorrows to end,
and hope that our hearts will blend.
Now I will step forward to realize this wish.
And who knows:
starting a new journey may not so hard
or maybe it has already begun.
There are many worlds,
but they share the same sky-
one sky, one destiny.”
Never forget,
Square-Enix. Because I sure won't.
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