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April 8, 2012

King of Fighters XIII: You Gonna Get Punched

Ralf Jones is the manliest character ever to appear in a fighting game.  Manlier than Guile.  Manlier than Paul.  Manlier than even Mike Haggar, MAYOR OF EARTH.

Let me give you a quick rundown.

This is not a man content with just punching his enemies (though he does indeed do that very, very well).

This is a man who punches enemies with enough force to make explosions come out of his knuckles, and blow them halfway across a field with the force of a sonic boom.

This is a man who doesn't have a tried-and-true "dive kick," but instead utilizes a dive PUNCH, in which he nosedives for an opponent with arm outstretched, ready to blow his foes away.

This is a man who punches the ground and makes micro-nuclear detonations a reality, encompassing himself in a mushroom of flame and smoke and walking away unscathed in the midst of a fight.

This is a man who can punch so quickly, it's as if he has six arms at once -- a skill he's all too eager to display as he mounts you and pounds you several dozen times and ends in a cataclysmic explosive knuckle sandwich (complete with napalm chips).

This is a man who can do...THIS.

Don't even try to compete, gents.  By the time you finished watching that, you've suddenly grown six inches of hair, your voice is now a creamy soprano, you have a sudden urge to watch Bride Wars, and you're thinking about calling your gal pals on which dress is in season.

Save yourselves the humiliation.  Ralf can kill you with his testosterone alone.  If you know what's good for you, steer clear of this man.

(And Maxima.  Maxima's cool, too.)

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