*headdesk*
*headdesk*
*headdesk*
*HEADDESK*
…All right. Let’s talk about Birth by Sleep.
You know, I’m a big fan
of the reviewers over at Channel Awesome.
Many of them take the worst products from their medium -- comics,
movies, video games, anime -- and give them the sound thrashing they deserve. With pinpoint precision and savage criticism,
they’ll point out all the plot holes, clichés, and just plain ridiculous
moments for the pleasure of net junkies (and nerds, natch) everywhere. It’s a skill commonplace among the team; it’s
a skill that, for the longest time, I thought I didn’t have.
I always thought that I
didn’t have much of a critical eye -- and because of it, my skills as a writer
were hampered. “If I can’t find a fatal
flaw in someone else’s work, how can I find one in my own?” I asked myself. “If I can’t dissect what isn’t working with
this work’s style, is mine destined to suffer?” I thought. It certainly didn’t help that at the time, I
was around people who routinely did better; they were like doctors of the
highest caliber, and I kept touching the sides in a game of Operation.
"Almost...almost...almost got it...GAAAAAAAAAAAH! Screw it, I'm still going to med school."
I’ve gotten better
about it since then. I’m a bit more
confident. One could argue that it’s
from age and experience, and a fair amount of learning. One could argue that having experienced so
many stories, I can see what works and what doesn’t work. But as of this moment, I think I can chalk it
up to one thing in particular.
Hate. Pure, scalding, forest-clearing, baby
deer-mutilating hate.
I make a note of not
seeing bad movies, or not playing bad games.
But sometimes, it’s unavoidable.
Sometimes my faith is betrayed, like with Grandia III or Final Fantasy
XIII. Sometimes I’m put in an
unexpected situation, like watching Percy
Jackson and the Olympians with company, or finding myself being dragged
(figuratively) to see The Thing
remake instead of Real Steel. It’s when there’s a product presented to me
that’s so awful, that’s such an affront
to my senses that my true critical power is awakened. I know it’s especially active when a product
gives me a headache. Yes, some stories
are so bad it actually causes me physical pain.
It’s a rare occurrence,
but a real one indeed. And I have this character…
…And this man…
…to blame.
I’m resolved to watch
the entirety of Birth by Sleep on
YouTube. Every last video of the game,
from its highest highs to its lowest lows.
I was eager to see Aqua not suck by any means necessary; I was willing
to sit through Ven’s faffing about in regards to friendship and meaningless
revelations. I was willing to sit
through a game where Disney worlds are both the focus and filler material. I was willing to accept that I’d have to sit
through thirty-six videos, at roughly fourteen minutes each, to get to the
story that was actually (hopefully) interesting. Eight point four hours gone, because I had
faith. Even with a great sense of dread
and foreboding with Terra’s story, I’d soldier on and prove that it was worth
it; that I could have my exciting story, and prove my loyalty as a Kingdom Hearts fan.
Kingdom Hearts fans, are you…are you happy with what you got? Are you happy you spent money on this? Are you happy you got to play trhough Terra’s
story? Because -- and I’ll be frank here
-- if I paid money for the game and got that,
I would be extremely fucking pissed.
Let’s start with the
blue whale in the room. Look at this
guy.
This is the weapon he
uses.
Given these facts,
would you trust this guy? Would you be
inclined to work with him? Would you let
him within the same dimension as the people next to you? If you answered no to any of those questions, congratulations! You’re smarter than ninety percent of Birth by Sleep’s cast! Bonus question: would you trust the word of
this man over your friends, the teacher who considers you his son, and all
logic and knowledge of the situation at hand?
If you answered no, then
congratulations! You’d make a better
Keyblade wielder than Terra!
Terra takes idiocy to
levels so high you’d need the Hubble Telescope to spot them. As proof, let’s take this step by step.
--Terra and Aqua, as
part of their test to become Keyblade Masters, engage in a duel to see who’s
worthy in front of their teacher, Master Eraqus, and his guest, the INCREDIBLY
OBVIOUSLY EVIL Master Xehanort. The goal
is to prove themselves as noble warriors, uncorrupted by the darkness. You would expect Terra to NOT cave in and use
the power of darkness to win the duel…you know, within spitting distance of
their master, someone who’s learned and trained in the ways of light and
Keyblade wielding. But then again…
--Terra wanders off,
wondering where the darkness came from (even though Eraqus gave him an answer
just five minutes ago), and stumbles upon Master Xehanort. In spite of the obvious warning signs, he lets
the old guy suggest that the darkness can be channeled and that his teacher’s a
chump. Rather than keep an eye on him,
he lets Mr. X -- should be “Master Xehanort” at all times because there’s like
six versions of him in the KH canon now, but I’m not typing that out anymore --
walk away, and he doesn’t bother asking about just who the hell that guy was.
--Not five minutes
later, Terra and Aqua are asked to go on a mission to find Mr. X and protect
the seven Princesses of Heart (Disney?
In my Disney/Squeenix crossover?
No way!) from monsters called the Unversed. Just when he’s about to take off -- eager to
take advantage of an opportunity for redemption -- Terra runs into Ven. Rather than telling Ven he’s off on official
business (as is Aqua) and everything will be fine, he just tells him “Don’t
worry, BRB” and zooms off on his Key…bike.
This will in no way affect the story whatsoever, I assure you.
*Headdesk count: 6
--Terra goes to the
Sleeping Beauty world to investigate, and stumbles upon the INCREDIBLY
OBVIOUSLY EVIL Maleficent doing her thing: being evil and manipulative. To be precise, he meets her on the castle’s
bridge, and then again in Princess Aurora’s room (not bothering to question how
she got in there just as he did). He
gets possessed by her and steals the princess’ heart, just as Mr. X prescribed Maleficent
to do. Terra blames himself, which I
can’t fault him for, yet is irritating nonetheless for being completely unable
to detect signs of trouble beforehand or out-think a hamster.
On the plus side, Terra can stuff more food in his cheeks.
--Next, Terra heads to
Snow White’s world to protect that princess (fun fact: Snow White is really
damn annoying when you’re not a sugar-addled six-year-old). Except he doesn’t run into her first; hoping
to get a lead on Mr. X’s location, he comes across the Queen and her BFF the
Magic Mirror. They strike a deal; if the
Queen gets Snow White’s heart in a box, Terra gets his info.
It’s right here where I
have to raise a red flag. Comments on
YouTube argue that Terra’s not stupid, just really gullible and trusting. Maybe that’s true -- and maybe it’s a little
rash to judge people based on their…well, obnoxiously evil appearances and
voices. KH fans have known long before the game’s release that Mr. X was
going to be a villain, thanks to the secret ending at the end of an updated release of KH2. And anyone who’s ever heard of Disney knows
that certain characters -- the Queen, Maleficent, etc. -- are evil based on
their mannerisms and knowledge from nostalgia.
A fair argument…
…Except that argument
DOESN’T WORK when the villains oust themselves as villains in the middle of a
conversation and Terra does nothing about it.
The Queen doesn’t want Snow White’s magic heart the series is known for;
she wants her REAL HEART IN A BOX. She
even tells Terra, point-blank, that she wants him to kill Snow White. TERRA.
DOES. NOTHING. No reaction.
No suspicion. No thought. Thankfully the dumb bastard doesn’t do it,
but the fact that he was willing to walk away when there was someone espousing
attempted murder does not bode well for his intelligence. Anyway, moving on…
*Headdesk count: 10
--Terra doesn’t kill Snow White, but she gets
attacked by Unversed. (While I hate this
character with the unholy heat of a black star, I will concede that his
fighting style is pretty cool; nice to see a samurai instead of Sora/Ven’s
boosh-boosh-boosh-flashy millions of hits and wings style). Unfortunately, Snow White runs off into a
dark forest to escape. You would think
that Terra would chase after her to make sure one of the Princesses of Heart
doesn’t get nabbed later, or that he’d put that Keybike of his to good use and
fly above the forest to find her instantly (or barring that, just speed through
the forest Return of the Jedi
style). But then again…
--Terra confronts the
Queen and demands to use the Mirror to find Mr. X…which he could have done in
the first place, but whatever. The Queen
throws…some stuff on the mirror and Terra gets sucked inside it, provoking a
boss fight (which is decidedly creepy).
After he wins, Terra gets the info he needs in the form of a riddle: "Beyond light and darkness, he dwells;
where war was raged upon the fells".
(Fans already know he’s in the Keyblade Graveyard even without playing
through Ven’s story, because Squeenix had the bright idea to spoil the
climactic scene years before the game even came out.) No big issues here, but I’d like to think
that Terra was positively bewildered
at the thought of words being able to rhyme.
--Terra goes to
Cinderella’s world next, and learns a valuable lesson: believing in your dreams
can actually -- get this -- help them come true! What a revelation! And here he was, about to give up on his
dream! Oh man, bullet dodged! Anyway, Terra escorts Cindy (who, to my
shock, is voiced by Jennifer Hale) to the ball by fighting off Unversed. Terra smashes, Cindy gets to the ball, no
time paradox, blah blah blah. Miscellaneous note: I find it hilarious that
the developers saw it necessary to make scenes where there are hundreds of
bobbing enemies on screen, but can’t be arsed to put more than a half dozen
NPCs to make it look like a ball instead of the world’s saddest bachelor party.
Such brave souls, holding back the tears.
After that bit of Disney Animated Filler,
Terra meets up with Aqua and trades info with her; there’s a boy in a mask
controlling the Unversed, and meanwhile Ven has gone looking for Terra
(see? Didn’t I tell you that wouldn’t
affect the plot?) Sadly, Terra just can’t quite seem to put together that
the Unversed may have something to do with Mr. X, so he heads off.
--Terra heads to the
Mysterious Tower and meets with Fantasia’s
Yen Sid -- you know, this guy:
Yen Sid -- who I’d like
to think is pissed that Terra hasn’t put two and two together yet -- tells
Terra to think as the Unversed/Mask Boy and Mr. X as the same problem. Unfortunately, Terra doesn’t get the signal,
so Mr. X just has to outright call Terra to his hidey-hole. Hey, if it saves our hero the opportunity to
prove he’s engaging in the plot or having any sense of drive, it’s fair game,
right?
*Headdesk count: 14
--Mr. X reveals that
his “plan” is to stop Mask Boy, Vanitas (sounds like “fajitas”) and protect the
light. Also, Vanitas is the dark part of
Ven, but this is Terra’s story and I couldn’t even give a sixteenth of a shit
about that. Mr. X tells Terra to go to
Radiant Garden because that’s where Vanitas might strike next (in spite of
there not being a Princess of Heart there, which is kind of the whole point of
the plan), presumably having to give Terra more and more precise directions
until he just takes him there himself in his Key-Winnebago. Now, you might be wondering why Terra doesn’t
make a pitstop at Keyblade HQ and report to Master Eraqus about Mr. X’s plan
and location, or why he doesn’t take Mr. X back into custody. That’s because thinking is prohibited in this
game. But then again…
--After a boss fight in
the Radiant Garden, Terra reunites with Aqua and Ven. I already talked about this earlier, but it
bears repeating: Terra blows off his friends -- the two people he SHOULD be
trusting -- and starts thinking that Mr. X is the only one who understands
him.
Red flag. Red…red flag, right here. You’re telling me that Terra is more than
willing to trust someone he just met over his two best friends? It’s here where another one of Terra’s
massive flaws is revealed: he’s taking a sledgehammer to the theme of
friendship that KH revolves
around. Apparently, you’re friends as
long as they don’t question your obviously shady actions and rationale, and
don’t express concern over your sliding off the slippery slope. Friends should also never disagree with you,
never take actions that can only protect and benefit you, and never side with
anyone else who expresses deep, familial concern. If this is an underhanded way of showing that
this is NOT how you should act in the name of friendship, Squeenix, this is
overkill. It’s bad enough that we only
see one cutscene with all three of them enjoying each other’s company at the
game’s start (peppered with meandering flashbacks because…hey, flashbacks), but
worse when you zigzag between “we’ll always be together” and “GTFO” and “we’ll
always be friends.” I don’t believe
these people are even in the same room when they’re talking, much less able to
share dreams and camaraderie.
"How DARE YOU make me a necklace symbolizing our friendship! Fall in a pit and die!"
Compare that to KH1.
It had a prologue that worked beautifully: an opening that pulled you
into the action and set the stage (the Dive into the Heart sequence), a period
of world-building (exploring Destiny Island), establishing relationships
(Sora’s friends and rivals with Riku, they’re both pining for Kairi, Riku > Sora),
and all in a succinct amount of time (an hour tops, if you’re struggling). Their relationship is weaved into the story
at present, not cramming in flashbacks; things develop and evidence is given in
real time, giving it much more of an impact.
We see the struggles their bonds face, and the inevitable
reconciliation. They fight, and they
lose their way, and even fall into darkness, but it all works out in the end.
Birth by Sleep doesn’t have that.
I assume it’s a knee-jerk reaction to the much-reviled Roxas prologue of
KH2, which -- in its three-hour span
-- has been known to instill clinical depression. It strips away everything but cursory details
so the player can do some flip-de-loops and go boosh-boosh-boosh.
This game…is this game
going to be my new Final Fantasy XIII?
*Headdesk count: 32
--Terra faffs about
Radiant Garden for a while, and then runs into resident gunslinger Braig -- and
apparently he’s captured Mr. X. Terra
springs into action, and finds the INCREDIBLY OBVIOUSLY EVIL Master chained to
a pillar. After taking a few shots from
Braig, Mr. X -- in a speech that you’d swear he ripped from Palpatine --
convinces Terra to use the darkness to beat him. Terra does, in spite of presumably everything
he’s learned in his life telling him not to.
You may think that Terra would wise up and realize how close he’s come
to the edge when he scars Braig -- something that he’s never done before with
that key of his. You would think that
he’d start to realize, “Hey, maybe this is what Eraqus and Aqua were talking
about when they say I’m crossing the line.
Maybe I should cool off.” But
then again…
--After the fight, Mr.
X steps up and gives Terra a pat on the back for harnessing the darkness. Terra’s less than pleased, and -- realizing
that it’s been too long since the last dramarama -- declares that he has no
home to go back to. (He does, of course,
but this is Squeenix, a company that specializes in dishing out angst like free
samples.) Terra accepts Mr. X as his new
master, and Mr. X gives him the title of “Master Terra” even though I sincerely
doubt he has that authority. Terra bails
because he needs to…uh…go somewhere, but not before spotting Ven. Ven wants to come along with Terra, but Terra
won’t allow it. So…not only does he
ignore the obvious sign that his little buddy still ahs faith in him and --
once again -- doesn’t tell him where he’s going, meaning that Ven will continue
wandering around the universe…but he also leaves Ven (someone who’s clearly
vital to the villains’ plan, given the stink raised about his origins) alone and unguarded. Terra, has all that hair gel started seeping
into your brain?
--Terra heads to Disney
Town --
*Headdesk count: 64
Why? Just…why are you going here? Okay, maybe Vanitas might be there, but this
is not the world you want to go to right after Terra goes into angst mode and
becomes the villain’s patsy. Squeenix,
you can’t have a character face his darkest hour and expect to keep a serious
air when he goes here…
Meets this guy…
And decides to go
kart-racing on his Keybike -- which he apparently decided to give a paint job.
People, are you
starting to see a divide here? Do you
start to get the sense that the proceedings are bogus? Kingdom
Hearts is -- or was supposed to be -- a crossover between Disney worlds and
Final Fantasy characters. While the two
have their similarities, you have to play up their strengths without one
undercutting the other. Birth by Sleep fails HARD at this. It
tries to be serious and meaningful, but it’s impossible to have that when all
the conflict is generated by contrivance and heavy-handedness. These conflicts are all entirely preventable,
and it’s made more obvious because the conflicts -- and these absurdly-haired
characters -- are on the center stage. The
game, the supposed fusion of Disney and Squeenix, is overwhelmingly slanted to
one side. You’ve undercut one half of
your crossover, Squeenix -- and now every time you try to introduce that other
element, it undercuts you right back.
Urrrrrgh. So Terra enters a race against Pete and wins,
taking out the Unversed racers in the process.
Terra (I shit you not) learns a valuable lesson: you don’t have to bend
the rules to win. Thank you, Disney
critters! It’s not like those monsters
based on negative emotions were doing any harm to your world’s well-being, and
you could have cancelled the race so Terra could work on exterminating them and
saving everyone so you WOULDN’T have any problems for the rest of your
festival. Hell, Terra could have just
bashed them when they were all gathered in one place at the starting line. Wouldn’t you have allowed that? And why not raise objections when Terra
starts sideswiping racers -- including the not-a-monster Pete -- off the track?
I would ask if we could
get back to the plot now, but I’m afraid I won’t like what I see.
This is my "srsly?" face.
--Terra talks with
Hades, Lord of the Dead without batting an eyelash, suggesting that Terra use
the darkness inside him to his advantage.
Ignoring the fact that Terra is getting all buddy-buddy with a villain
again (and that this shit is getting real old), I have to wonder: what role
does Hades play in all this? Did Vanitas
or Mr. X show up and tell him, “Hey, there’s a doofus in golden samurai pants
heading your way, so screw with his head a little”? If so, why?
Terra’s already following Mr. X’s orders, and it’s likely he doesn’t
need any more provoking. If not, what’s
Hades’ stake? Hercules’ world doesn’t
have a Princess of Heart, nor does it have any role to play in forging the Sword of MacGuffins χ-Blade (pronounced “key-blade” because lord knows THAT won’t get
confusing) or this “Keyblade War” that makes Mr. X’s trousers tighten
up. So…what’s the point of this world?
--Oh, right. A Final
Fantasy cameo! And what a surprise
-- Zack from FF7 makes his
return! Except Squeenix revealed that
Zack would be in months before it came out.
Smart. Anyway, Terra manages to
bash Unversed without using the darkness (which he’s been doing since the game’s
start), so Hades brainwashes Zack and has him go to town on Terra, spiky-hair
to spiky-hair. Hades suggests that this
the power Terra could have if he gives himself to the darkness -- made notable
as Zack goes boosh-boosh-boosh all over Terra -- and wants him to let loose…except
that Zack clearly doesn’t have a shred of darkness inside him, and Hades
brainwashed him and bolstered his power to get Terra riled up. Dammit Hades, this is worse than that
time you got trapped under a box because you were following a trail of candy.
Anyway, Terra wins and
learns a valuable lesson: the ones who judge if you’re a hero are the people who
receive your acts of patronage. It’s a
lesson that would have had a bit more impact if Squeenix had bothered to use an
asset besides the empty arena from KH1. But as noted by YouTube commenters, at least
you get to see empty stands with ghosts cheering at you.
--While travelling
through space, Terra gets pulled aboard a passing ship -- one that Disney fans
might know as the ship from Lilo and
Stitch. He gets taken captive, but
breaks out because of -- what else? -- Unversed. Amidst the ruckus, he comes across an
imprisoned Dr. Jumba. Now, I’ll admit
that I haven’t seen Lilo and Stitch,
so I’m not 100% familiar with this guy’s story.
Fortunately, the internet has this to say:
“A self-proclaimed ‘evil
genius.’
He was imprisoned
for illegal genetic experimentation to make the mightiest creature in the
galaxy: Experiment 626, whose only instinct is to destroy everything he
touches.
He keeps his other
creations besides 626 close at hand, in pod form.
Uh…huh. Well, at least Dr. Jumba
won’t oust himself as a villain who, by his own admission, created a living
weapon of mass destruction. Oh, he
did? Well, not like it matters; he’s
imprisoned, so he’s already pretty much guilty.
Oh wait, no he isn’t. Terra’s
busting him out and travelling alongside him.
*Headdesk count: 296
Terra…Terra…TERRA, YOU ARE HELPING A CONFESSED SUPERVILLAIN ESCAPE SO
HE CAN FIND HIS LIVING WMD -- ONE PROGRAMMED SOLELY TO DESTROY -- AND CONTINUE
CREATING SCIENTIFIC NIGHTMARE CREATURES.
WHY? WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? And you’re GENUINELY SURPRISED when he
reveals his heinous plans to use his creatures to wreak havoc?
I…I can’t take this world anymore.
Terra says “you tricked me”, boss fight, Stitch’s heart grows three
sizes, Terra remembers his friends, end scene.
Christ…
--Okay, so Terra heads
to Neverland and saves Captain Hook and Smee from Unversed. Fair enough.
Captain Hook isn’t THAT obnoxiously evil, and from what I can gather all
he cares about is killing Peter Pan, not any of Mr. X’s plans. It’s made pretty obvious when he’s about
ready to abandon Terra on the spot, leaving behind his pirate’s chest. He makes an offhand reference to Smee about
light, prompting Terra to ask about the light.
And then, with a fiendish smirk, Hook dupes Terra into protecting his
chest full of booty, saying that it’s full of light and Peter Pan’s out to nab
it. You would think that Terra would
have wised up by now considering how many times he’s been duped so far, or
suspect something’s up when a grown man is talking about harming a boy, or
decide to see if the chest actually contains light since that’s a part of his
mission, especially because he has a
magic key that can unlock anything in the universe, which he’s been using on
treasure chests littered across every world he’s visited. But then again…
Terra fights Peter Pan,
the treasure chest spills open revealing Hook’s booty (“I’ve been tricked!”
Terra gasps), Terra fights Unversed, to save Pan and pals, Terra learns a
lesson about friendship and precious things, Terra leaves. I suspect that he’s forgotten this lesson the
moment he realizes it’s been too long since he’s been to the salon.
And with that, Terra --
or rather, the player -- has no more reason to visit the Disney worlds to
continue our idiot hero’s story.
Splendid.
--Terra -- for some
ill-explained reason -- is drawn to the Destiny Islands, better known as the
first level from KH1. He runs across a Paopu Fruit, remembering how
Aqua made these…
Beforehand. (I’m still sore that you blew her off,
Terra.) While there, he meets a young
Riku -- the main rival of Sora in KH1. Sensing Riku’s potential -- and holding a
conversation with a five-year-old with ten times his brainpower -- Terra
decides to make Riku the successor to inheriting his Keyblade.
"Hey there, champ. Want a power miles beyond human understanding?"
And right here is where
I have to pause. It has nothing to do
with the discrepancies it creates in the canon -- why Riku didn’t inherit the Keyblade, how there are suddenly
thousands of them, why Terra would violate the Prime Directive and doom Riku to
a life of mystic warfare, why Sora never brings up the fact that there’s some
weird guy with a giant magical key talking to his pal (nice stealth there,
Terra), why the door hidden in the area’s cave that’s been of some importance
to Sora and Riku since hour one of KH1 isn’t even referenced -- but to make
a comparison. Ven is to Sora as Terra is
to Riku. A fair parallel. The only issue is that, as far as I’m
concerned, Riku is leagues ahead of Terra in terms of likability. And intelligence, but that’s not saying much;
a paper bag could outdo Terra at a spelling bee.
Riku’s brazen. Rebellious.
Antagonistic, but (at first) in a joking, brotherly way. He knows what he wants, and goes after
it. Apparently, having any sort of
ambition in this series makes you evil, so it isn’t long before Riku starts
playing on the dark side of the fence.
But Unlike Terra, who mopes about because there’s black and purple mist
that shrouds him when he gets mad, Riku uses the darkness to his
advantage. Yep, that’s right: a
fifteen-year-old kid who barely even knew the concept of a Keyblade can outdo a
candidate to be a Keyblade Master. What’s
more, he’s not using the darkness so he can win a fight; he’s using it for an
acceptable, identifiable goal. He’s
doing it so he can save his girl Kairi.
Does Riku do stupid
things too? Yep. He, too, decides to
partner up with Maleficent, doing her dirty work and teleporting all over the
Disney realms. But I suspect he’s a lot
more aware that Maleficent isn’t his friend; it’s even shown that he doesn’t
trust or respect her, telling her off when she gets too close. It’s clear that he knows what he’s doing is
risky, but -- in his own words -- “I’m not afraid of the darkness!” He’s pragmatic, and much more proactive in
achieving his kindhearted goal -- even if that means he has to get his hands
dirty. (It’s certainly more than Sora’s doing.)
But more importantly,
Riku has something that Terra doesn’t: charisma. I don’t want to meet the person who’d argue
that Riku isn’t a douche, but he’s spirited enough to make you forget
that. To make you realize that you
wouldn’t mind if you played as him instead.
He’s much more expressive and emotional, with motions that exude both
passion and confidence. When he calls
Sora out, you think “But you’re on the wrong side!” as you should…and on the
other hand you think “Shoot, maybe he has a point.” You’d think that a moral gray area would be
impossible to have in a world that’s half-Disney, but Riku pulled it off a full
ten years ago. Things eventually spiral
out of control for Riku (naturally), but you know that he had good
intentions. You identify with him, and
feel for him. You almost think of his
descent as tragic, and you feel for him when he tries to redeem himself -- an
action taken for Kairi, Sora, and the worlds.
_KH3D.png)
I’ve seen rocks with more
personality than Terra. Most of his
animations -- in a game heavily dependent on its animations -- are spent
looking grimly at the ground/his hands/his shoes to make sure they’re tied, or
showing flashes of anger. He smiles
maybe three times over the course of the game.
His voice acting makes him sound like he’s just gotten out of bed for
ninety percent of the game, with the only highlights being when he’s fighting
or getting angry. In a game where you
contract Mark Hamill and Leonard Nimoy to voice side characters, you would hope
that the absolute one character that Squeenix has to put some serious coin into
getting right is one of the three playable characters. And that hope would be betrayed, stepped on,
and given the good-old behind-the-toolshed treatment.
His character arc
bounces around more than Tigger on a sugar high. His dream is to be a Keyblade Master (for…some
reason), but screws it up. When given a
chance to redeem himself and earn Eraqus’ favor, he faffs about kart-racing and
freeing alien terrorists. He’s wary of
the darkness, but can’t decide on whether he wants to contain it, use it, or
remove it. His friends alternate between
being important to him to distractions to people he can never associate with
again. He has yet to learn a single
thing from any of his experiences thus far, from “don’t trust obvious villains”
to “don’t go out on your own and do something stupid.” Terra’s tragedy -- and you know it’ll end in
tragedy because Squeenix already spoiled it -- lacks intrigue or impact because
his actions create pointless conflict.
He’s not appealing in the slightest, and we know he’s going to die
anyway so there’s no point in getting too attached.
I don’t -- I CAN’T -- care
about this character at all.
*Headdesk count: 623
--Mr. X tells Terra to
get his ass in gear and head back to Keyblade HQ; Ven has just figured out his
dark origin, and now he’s heading to HQ “with a look of rage in his eyes” presumably
to wreck Eraqus. (Untested Keyblade n00b
versus Master Keyblade samurai warrior and the trio’s teacher…yeah, Eraqus is
screwed.) Terra makes it back just in
time to stop Eraqus before he stomps Ven into powder, and in order to stand
against his master Terra taps into the power of darkness. It ends about as well as you’d expect: Terra
beats Eraqus so badly the old man’s left enfeebled -- enfeebled, and left with
remorse. Suddenly, Mr. X shoots Eraqus
in the back and kills him, making him vanish before Terra can even hold the
master in his arms. With the last hero
of light gone (I guess there really were only four members of the
organization), Mr. X shrouds Keyblade HQ in darkness and calls Terra out to the
Keyblade Graveyard. You would think that
at this point Terra would stop trying to be the Lone Ranger and team up with
Ven and Aqua, mostly because he utterly fucking sucks at this hero business and
FINALLY realizes that he needs someone to babysit him before he bashes the good
guys to death. But then again…
--All right, let’s wrap
this shit up. Terra heads to the
Keyblade Graveyard, giving pause only to admit to the approaching Aqua that he
should have been watched and contained this whole time.
*Headdesk count: 2,875
As Ven emerges, so too
do Mr. X and Vanitas, and things play out just as they did in that video…only in a radically inferior graphics engine.
Riveting. With Ven frozen and
Aqua tending to him, Terra takes on Vanitas and Mr. X in a two-on-one battle;
Vanitas bails to fight Ven and create the Sword of MacGuffins. Terra has to fight off Mr. X on his own, and
-- at the recommendation of Mr. X -- summons more darkness to fight. You know, the same darkness that his master
warned him not to use yet has decided to use anyway, thereby spitting on his
grave, all because the person he’s actively trying to kill AND the person who
conned him out of a family and home, told him to. Terra, you…you know what “learning” is,
right?
*Headdesk count: 5,289
--Terra uses the power
of darkness to win the fight, just as Mr. X planned. Mr. X sends his heart into Terra’s
now-corrupted body and takes over it, becoming…”Terranort” or something. Basically just a tan Terra with white hair
and yellow eyes. But -- surprise!--
Terra’s somehow still alive, takes over his armor, engages in what looks like a
cheap-ass boss fight, wins, and…doesn’t get his body back. There’s just a huge explosion, Terranort’s
unconscious, Terra crouches down and plants his Keyblade into the ground, and
looks primed to spend the rest of his days atop a plateau. His last words?
“Aqua…Ven…someday, I’ll
make this right.”
*Headdesk count: 9,999
No you won’t,
Terra. No you won’t.
You could have made
this right at any given turn. You could
have realized something was amiss and reported back to your real master, or
your comrades. You could have used some
common sense, or any level of reasoning that a toddler already enjoys, and put
an end to this. You could have thought
less about yourself and how to control your darkness, or how to get your title,
and more about others -- and the effects of your actions. You
could have been this deep, flawed, tragic character who started off as a
champion of light, but due to powers beyond your control fell into darkness.
But you didn’t. All you had to do -- all your creators had to
do -- was think. With just five minutes,
or even one minute of thought, you could have created a thoughtful, meaningful
conflict -- AND have come up with a bittersweet yet satisfying answer to any problems
you faced.
But you didn’t. You didn’t think at all. And now we know that all the problems the KH universe faces -- the Heartless, the
Nobodies, Xehanort, every last bit of it -- was because of one idiot who couldn’t
think.
You would think that an
entire franchise couldn’t be sullied by a single character and his moronic
misadventures -- that the joy and whimsy couldn’t be wrecked by one character’s
angst and ineptitude. You would think
that one character couldn’t signal the end of what made the original game so
great, to be replaced by drivel and fancy particle effects. You would think that, for a franchise that
popularized the song “Simple and Clean” that it would keep an air of charm and
refreshment so needed amongst games today -- a beckoning to a brighter, happier
time in our collective childhood. But
then again…
*Headdesk count: 10,000
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