(The following is an
old, old, old man file I had stored away on my laptop -- but the principles
still apply. Read on and let me take you
back to the simpler time of 2010...only...remixed, with images and captions and on a blog now. So...not really all that different.)
Lucky, or unlucky? That’s the biggest question here. On the one hand, today I don’t have school
thanks to a pleasant snowstorm. On the
other hand, that gives me time to scour the movie channels for something to
watch. As fate would have it, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li happened
to be on. I knew from the instant I saw
the sublime SF logo mixed with text
so bland even I could generate it (or anyone with Word, for that matter), I
wasn’t just about to view garbage. No,
this was a rare opportunity – it IS a rare opportunity, because as I’m writing
this, I’m watching the movie in question.
Oh great. Lana Lang is back.
Despite being a
part-time follower of the SF mythos,
I had no interest in seeing the movie when it came out a year ago. I knew it’d be bad – a special kind of
bad. It seemed impossible for so many
screw-ups to appear in such a short time span.
For exa-
Oh crap. Vega just appeared onscreen. Or at least, someone like Vega. His mask is all shiny, he’s wearing all black,
and memories of Vega’s ASIAN actor popped into my head. And – oh boy, Chris Klein just made his first
onscreen appearance. “Call me Nash,” he
says. As in Charlie Nash? Hell no!
You put on the glasses and throw a sonic boom, and then we’ll talk.
“You just inherited a
big problem,” he says. I lol’ed.
Better to inherit a problem than that forehead.
Anyway, if I remember
correctly, the movie has seen little to no success. Not screened for critics; a low score on
Rotten Tomatoes; fan outrage far and wide.
But that’s to be expected from a video game movie, right? I mean…
Hold on, this guy’s
looking at pictures of Chun-Li playing the piano. I just threw up a little.
I mean, if you’re
looking for all the consistencies and parallels between the TV screen and the
big screen, you’re already setting yourself up for disappointment; ironically,
this is part of the reason most people go to video game movies. They want to see their favorite heroes come
to life thanks to a little Hollywood magic, but the fact that the genre
butchers our favorite franchises so much is an insult.
“Shadow-lao?” What –
what is that supposed to be? And for
that matter –
No. No, let’s move on. What’s really baffling is that, if the data
is correct, the man behind this movie (20 minutes in, and I’m already feeling
regret) is slated to do work on the sublime Shadow
of the Colossus. I don’t really
understand it at all; is he hoping that by scripting such a young franchise –
one that doesn’t have the brand recognition of, say, SF – that there’ll be some sort of cushion for an inevitable fall?
Wait, wasn’t Chun-Li
just rich a second ago? Why is she so
poor in Bangkok? Couldn’t she have just
kept some money and converted it into their currency? Or barring that, isn’t her money already good
there? Why’s she scraping for every meal? And stop with the damn voice-over!
Argh. I can see it now…the Shadow of the Colossus movie is already starting to take form in my
mind. Let the nightmares begin.
The tagline? Don't Look Up.
The Story
Game Version: Stab the hell out of sixteen giant monsters. Simple and clean.
...Except when they spew their ebony tendrils of pure darkness all over you.
All right. To be fair, there was a bit more going on at
the time. The hero, Wander, is desperate
to save his dead girlfriend, so he travels to a mysterious land to revive her. Unfortunately, there’s a catch: according to
the god of the land, he has to destroy the colossi and release their power
(even though he’s told straight up that it might not work). For those who haven’t played it – shame on
you – I won’t spoil the ending. Let’s
just say bad things happen.
The original story was
simple. Subtle. It gave you motivation, like a parent kicking
her basement-dwelling son out of the house, yet there was something more going
on. Gentle like a spring breeze, but at
times fierce like a hurricane.
I mean, come on. You can’t screw up a story that simple,
right? Right?!
Movie Version: Stab the hell out of one giant monster, and
complicate everything else.
SotC is like the endgame of Jenga.
At its zenith, with no room for anything else to be added or removed
from the tower; one wrong move, and everything tumbles down. Arguably, if I know movie clichés, then the
sixteen colossi (admittedly, a lot of monsters to cram into a two-hour movie)
will be toned down…and then, oversimplified into a much-hyped David versus Goliath
story.
So where does the rest
of the story go? Wander’s past,
undoubtedly. What was he doing
beforehand? What was his village
like? How did he grow up? We’ll be seeing that before anything else,
but the problem lies in the potential for…shall we say, creative
liberties. There’s no telling how far
the writing will go to flesh out a needless facet of Wander’s life that we
never even cared about. Not to mention
the potential for missteps.
"Gosh, I sure do love living in an idyllic field! TIME TO MURDER THE INNOCENT!"
Case in point? The
Legend of Chun-Li felt it necessary to give Bison a backstory. Why? I
don’t know – just to piss off the fans, I imagine. It’s not something the fans asked for, who
logically should be the number-one audience; it gives Bison reasoning that
doesn’t really matter in the context of the movie; we sure as hell don’t need
any sympathy from someone who should be wearing a cape and flying around the
room.
Forty-nine minutes in,
I have plenty of reason to stand up and walk away. Turning Chun-Li from an Interpol agent to a
piano player and altering her story is like giving a bitch-slap to everyone
who’s ever worked on a SF game. And on top of that, what was the point of the
dancing scene? Was that Chun-Li trying
to look sexy? Yeah, you’re really gonna
turn heads writhing like a snake in a muumuu.
Key Scene: Wander and his rock band bust into a high school and
start smacking around the hall monitors.
The Characters
Game Version: Wander, the hero; Momo, his girlfriend, Agro, his
horse; Dormin, the watchers; the colossi.
And that’s it. You don’t need
anyone else; arguably, the colossi are the stars of the show, so we don’t need
any stupid humans mucking things up. And
the world – the world itself, just like with any good story, counts as a
character. Sure, SotC’s world is quiet, grim, and unforgiving, but it speaks louder
than any talking animal sidekick ever could.
Or maybe he just blew out his vocal cords from screaming in terror.
And on that note…
Movie Version: Agro can talk, Wander meets a new female friend, and
there’s a jackass general in hot pursuit of our hero.
I’m no expert on the
trade, but I think movies as a whole have never heard the adage “less is
more.” More characters mean more
dialogue that could add more exposition that moves the story away from the game
world and closer to the movie world. So
keeping in mind the need for creative liberties (as well as cashing in on those
who have never heard the name of the game), it seems fair to add as many
changes as they see fit to the characters.
SotC was never really big on
dialogue, which is probably the first thing the movie would try to fix. What better way to do that than to make Agro,
the near-constant companion, talk?
Yes, he'll do nicely.
And for that matter,
how many lines did Wander have? You
could probably count the number on your fingers – that’s probably a major no-no
in Hollywood’s book. So expect Wander to
become ten shades of annoying faster than you can say, “I’ve got nothin’ to
lose.”
I could talk about
Bison, Balrog, Vega, and Chun-Li, but I won’t.
No, the grievous error comes from the introduction of “Nash”. He adds little to the story besides more
needless exposition (not to mention being cringe-inducingly annoying and an
all-around offensive actor), yet he’s one of the main good guys. And Maya?
Who’s that supposed to be, other than someone for Nash to suck face with
and walk around in a bra?
Key Scene: Wander and his
sassy yet seductive new partner Tata, after evading a slew of jar-headed
soldiers, fall atop one another in the forest.
Agro’s response?
“DA-YUUUUUUUUUM!”
The Action
Game Version: You do little else besides catch lizards, gather
fruit, and the aforementioned stabbing of colossi. And that’s all you really need.
This is their game, not
yours. They’re big. Much bigger than you, and much stronger –
some argue that Wander doesn’t even really know how to use a sword. Adding more tiny enemies for you to fight
would cheapen the experience, and lessen the appeal. The colossi are a bunch of prima donnas; they
don’t want to share the stage with anyone, even if more battles could
potentially stop Wander from completing his shiv-happy frenzy.
Life is so much better when you're devoted to stabbing.
And the action
itself? It delivers exactly what it
promises. You get a sword, and a bow,
and a horse, and your easily-depleted climbing ability. They weigh a thousand tons and can stomp you,
shoot fireballs at you, throw you into the wind, and shake you off like a
flea. You do the exact same thing
sixteen times – but it never gets old.
And with that in mind…
Movie Version: Fights are applied liberally to the original
story. Incidentally, Wander is now a
shirtless, muscular sexcicle that gets muddy in every fight.
I should probably mention
that by now, I’ve stopped watching The
Legend of Chun-Li. Can you blame
me? There’s nothing even remotely
appealing about it. It takes itself way
too seriously – considering that the source material featured spinning Russian
bear wrestlers, flat-topped air-slicing Air Force colonels, and a jungle
survivor who turned green after eating too much chlorophyll. It’s a degradation in every sense of the
word, with no good story, no enticing characters, no emotion whatsoever. But worst of all? Most confusing, most impossible of all? The fights were boring. The fights were boring, in a movie based on a
game that relies entirely around fighting.
How is this even remotely possible?
I watched every fight scene intently, yet I can’t think of a single
awe-inspiring moment in any of them that makes them memorable or even different
from one another, and that’s pretty damn sad.
Not even the inclusion of the famous Spinning Bird Kick made an
impression. Although all things
considered, the tip-off should have been when Balrog fires a rocket
launcher. He was so eager to stay out of
another bland fight scene that he – wisely – stayed the hell away and just
blasted those fools. (As a side thought:
wouldn’t it be funny if Michael Clarke Duncan turned out to be a hardcore
Balrog player?)
Or maybe he uses Sakura. He could be in touch with his inner schoolgirl.
In an effort to
bastardize SotC for the sake of
profit, I imagine that the action will take the “more is less” mantra up to
eleven. The audience isn’t going to
tolerate more than three minutes of Wander riding Agro to his next destination
(although in an effort to add screen time, that might as well get thrown in
too); they came for action, and that’s what they’re going to get. Only not against a colossus; no, there’ll be
fights against humans. Puny little
humans, grunts, mooks – and they’ll be going up against handsome and hardened
warrior Wander, whose tattered attire gives way for a bare, ripped chest barely
covered by a thin poncho. It’s a
sickening thought, but an inevitability; just as Chun-Li was portrayed by a
svelte actress (though to be fair, reproducing those thighs is impossible
without a little “juice”) to satisfy the paradigm of a thin heroine on the big
screen, so too will Wander be transformed into a battle-ready beefcake who gets
into fights on a regular basis. In fact, would it be so far-fetched to assume
that the whole thing will be a send-up – read: clone – of 300? People liked that,
right? Why not copy it?
And what about the
colossi? The real stars of the
show? They’ll probably talk too. They’ll probably be either boorish and
stupid, or talk in dense, incomprehensibly cryptic clichés. And however many of them there are, they’ll
probably go down after a minute or two of fighting and ten minutes of capturing
Wander’s physique at choice angles.
Considering what The Legend of
Chun-Li did to its source material, it’s safe to assume that the colossi
won’t even look like their game counterparts…though that part will probably be
dismissed due to the use of “high quality CGI”.
A leaked photo of the SotC movie poster.
I think we’re all in
agreement here. Shadow of the Colossus doesn’t need a movie, especially not one
crafted so haphazardly as The Legend of
Chun-Li. It’s only inviting disaster
– a betrayal of the gamers’ goodwill, a smearing of the franchise’s name, an
affront to the audience’s intelligence, and many, many more. It was a story that told itself, with little,
if anything else to be added; it definitely shouldn’t be handled by some
outside studio by an entirely different medium.
I’ll go ahead and keep my hopes up for now, but when the first trailer
surfaces, I may have to go on a stabbing spree myself.
Key Scene: Wander slays the last colossus with thirty minutes left
in the movie, then decides to go after general jackass. The general rides a mini-colossus like a
mech, and the two proceed to have a knife-fight.
[EDIT: Incidentally, my
brother would get Street Fighter: The Legend
of Chun-Li for his birthday that same year.
It was pure karmic retribution.]
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