Why I Hate the Ocean

My brother and I went to the mall earlier today.  Just a typical GameStop run, of course; we weren't exactly there to line our pockets with jewelry, and I'm more than willing to wear my clothes until they're just a handful of cotton threads.  Along the way, we went to the pet store to look at the animals; my brother was (jokingly, hopefully) trying to coax me into bringing home a third dog.  I...objected, knowing how much of a hassle two could be.  We're like an old married couple sometimes.

Whatever the case, everything was going great.  We saw dogs.  We saw cats.  We saw hamsters and gerbils, and birds unfortunately classified by the color of their butts.  And then we went to the aquatic pets section -- otherwise known as the topmost layer of Hell.

I never realized how impossibly ugly fish are -- that is, until you get nice and close to them.  Empty eyes.  Wobbling bodies.  Cheeks, puffing in and out.  If there was ever an argument to disprove the existence of God, it would be the fact that fish exist.

And then there were the sea anemones.

Let's pretend for a moment that sea anemones were, in fact, more popular than dogs or cats as a pet.  Pretend that you bring one home in a tank, set it up in your room, and decide to call him Fido.  Imagine waking up not to the jingle of your dog's collar as he shakes his body, or his paws as he stretches his arms atop your torso, but the sight of this:

Tentacles.  Gaping maws.  Stems that keep them rooted in whatever they're latched onto, rendering them immobile.  Some species are even poisonous.  

DOES THAT SOUND LIKE A GOOD PET TO YOU?

Man, forget what The Little Mermaid taught you about the sea.  The moment you go below the surface, you're in their house now.  You don't want to be there.  Horrible, awful creatures live under there -- and in some places, you'll find the Portuguese Man-o-War, a creature that (if I ever saw one) would haunt me till the end of days.  Its tentacles -- the stinging, paralyzing tentacles -- can grow up to fifty feet long.  

FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUU--

And lest you forget, there are still your standard fare giant jellyfish.  

My opinion?  Mankind would do well to stay away from water.  The land is ours, but only because that's where we're safest.  The more we dabble in the affairs of Poseidon's kinsmen, the more likely we are to be swallowed by the crushing, godless, bloodstained azure depths.

...You should not go scuba-diving, is what I'm trying to say here.