I’ve mentioned several
times in the past that I have some major respect for what you’d might call
“kid’s stuff”. And with good reason --
they are, almost by nature, the perfect sources for imagination, good spirits,
and charm. But they can also be sources
of insight, thematic merit, and depth.
I’d like to think that in light of shows like Adventure Time, Gravity Falls, and either Avatar series, the game has officially leveled up. And I’m happy for it…even if I only show my
support as a spiteful reaction to the brown and gray wastelands of modern
gaming.
But for a while now,
I’ve had a bit of an opportunity of sorts.
I’ve always believed that one should never underestimate the power of
basic cable, as it’s the place where Everybody
Loves Raymond once ruled the roost (for a given definition of “ruled” or
“roost”…or “the”). So one night I was
flipping through channels, and I just so happened to spot something called Archie’s Weird Mysteries on a dedicated
children’s network. And I watched
it. And as the days passed, I watched
more of it -- and more, and more, and more, because hey, I could have something
in the background playing while putting together some of the more tedious
aspects of Cross-Up. And I thought to
myself, “You know, maybe I should do a post on this show. It’d be fun -- like a gag post or something.”
How funny you find this
post depends on how much you agree with my interpretations. Because the way things are looking, I’m about
ready to declare the cartoon one of the blackest of black comedies ever
created…at best. At its worst? It’s
downright horrifying.
Let’s start with a bit
of context. Back in the late-late-late
nineties and the sort-of-but-not-really turn of the millennium, there was a
cartoon airing on some easily-forgotten channel called PAX. Said cartoon -- Archie’s Weird Mysteries, obviously -- ran for forty episodes, and
delivered exactly what it promised. Said
promise? It took the characters from the
comics’ canon -- Archie, Reggie, Veronica, Betty, Jughead too, and a host of
others -- and put them in a modern(ish) setting.
The thrust of each
episode? As a columnist for his school
newspaper, red-headed hero Archie Andrews writes about the freaky stuff that
happens in Riverdale, and more often than not goes out of his way to sort the
problems out before his little town gets ransacked. Every threat is pretty much a take on B-movie
fare or other infamous monster movies; there’s The Blob, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, The Creature from the Black
Lagoon, and your usual suite of vampires, werewolves, and mummies. Generally speaking, whatever you’re thinking
of, there’s a good chance there’s an episode on it. No yetis, unfortunately. As far as I know.
Being one of those
fabled (dreaded?) children’s education programs, the monster madness is offset
by trying to get some moral across to the characters, and by extension the
audience. You know the drill -- taking
responsibility for your actions, working together, accepting those who are
different, that sort of thing. I don’t
know every episode intimately, but I suspect that cleaning up the mess in 2/3s
of the show’s run comes down to applying the “moral of the story” to the situation
at hand. As you’d expect. And in case someone missed it, at the end of
each episode Archie will write his article and explain the story’s moral
through voice-over. And at the start of an
episode, albeit by working it VERY VERY SUBTLY into a conversation.
All told, AWM is formulaic, but it’s not a bad
formula. There are a few shakeups here
and there, some of the morals are either refreshing or more complex than just
“clean your room” -- becoming a hero and revealing the truth about a
corporation’s accidental monster-making, or staying quiet and making sure the
town keeps hundreds of jobs -- and the ride from start to finish is always a
fairly pleasant one. There’s some good
humor in there, and I have to respect the show’s ambition for making not one,
but two multi-episode arcs -- one of which involves time travel, which I’m
starting to suspect might be a death-or-glory avenue for writers. But in this case, they can always fall back on alien potatoes.
It’s probably worth
mentioning that I don’t know anything about the Archie Comics as a whole (save
for the name being some all-encompassing, multi-universal moniker that lets
Archie exist alongside Casper the Friendly Ghost and Sabrina the Teenage
Witch). So the most I know about these
characters and their world and the major events are a few broad strokes gleaned
from half-assed internet searches.
Still, I like the
characters in AWM. Archie’s the typical red-blooded American,
but exists as the only sane man in a world full of blatant archetypes. That doesn’t stop him from being the
balancing force of his team and the quick-witted hero who’ll solve the weird
mystery du jour, BUT he’s overzealous enough and flawed enough to be the
Riverdalian in dire need of a life lesson.
Jughead’s quips and quirkiness make for plenty of fun, befitting of a
guy who wears a crown wherever he goes.
Betty’s earnest cheer and Veronica’s sultry tones give them both some
flavor. Reggie is a supreme asshole, but
that’s part of his charm…if only because his cocky swagger reminds me of my
brother. Only
Reggie’s not quite as unrealistic.
If there’s one thing I
find…well, let’s call it interesting,
I’d say it’s the love triangle of sorts between Archie, Betty, and
Veronica. Cursory
glances suggest that this is a key part of the Archie canon, and I can
understand why. To an extent. Based solely on my understanding of AWM, there’s one question I have to ask,
and one that’ll segue into the rest of the discussion.
Why would Archie choose
anyone besides Betty?
I’m not even joking
here. In the context of AWM, Betty is clearly the superior
choice. She’s smart, kind, spirited, and
reliable. She likes Archie, and
presumably has a much deeper and closer connection to him than anyone else in
Riverdale. And if it’s a question of
looks, she still comes out on top; her build is 100% identical to Veronica’s,
to the point where the two of them are almost a Ryu/Ken style palette
swap. So why is Veronica even worth
considering? She has money, sure, but
what beyond that? What makes Archie so
sure he’s going to stay relevant in Veronica’s eyes, and vice versa? Even beyond that, what can she offer him
besides her body? Archie implies that
Veronica’s got the biggest chest in town, but if that’s true, then so does
Betty. Is the poise really that big of a
deciding factor? Even if it is, is that
enough to overcome her personality?
It’s true that I like
watching Veronica’s antics on screen, but when the characters in-universe get
exhausted with her antics within minutes, that seems to be a pretty big signal
that dodging her ass might be a good
idea. She’s selfish, petty, lazy, and
whiny…and in the context of AWM, she
comes very close to destroying Riverdale -- and potentially the world --
several times over. Or if not that, then
at least ensuring that plenty of people, her friends included, risk death.
She makes a wish on a
magic idol that starts turning everyone in Riverdale into clones of herself,
with disastrous results both said and unsaid.
She turns into a giant in one episode (because she had the “sense” to touch
a laser beam she really shouldn’t
have touched in the first place) and stomps through town, up to and including
tearing the roof off a building. She
seeks the help of a witch doctor to make Archie into her love slave, and ends
up turning him -- and eventually a big chunk of the cast -- into obsessive
zombies that don’t eat, don’t sleep, and will tear their hair out for her
sake. If you’re looking for the bringer
of despair and ruin merely by virtue of being kind of a bitch (and more than a
little dumb), look no further.
To be fair, she’s not
the only one responsible for the problems in each episode. The characters’ intelligence -- and
occasionally their personalities, in Reggie and Veronica’s cases -- varies from
one episode to the next. I know I said
Archie was quick-witted earlier, but as the town’s weird mystery expert you’d
think that he’d immediately suspect that the dice he bought for his car brought
it to life instead of figuring it out in the last few minutes. Reggie unleashes a horde of goblins on the
populace when he magically brings a dead actress out of a movie. (Side note: that episode uses “fanboy” with a
level of scorn and mockery that’s borderline hateful -- and eerily mirrors how
current-day game fanboys get described.)
Jughead and Betty fare
a lot better, since the former’s episodes are due to problems caused by a
verifiable butterfly effect, while the latter is virtuous enough to not let her
vices endanger the town (more on that in a minute). But they’re compensated for several dozen
times over by local teenage scientist Dilton, who time after time seems genuinely surprised when his experiments
lead to disaster. Maybe you shouldn’t
leave your dangerous chemicals and gadgets out where anyone can use them,
bro. Alternatively, drop out of school
and just invent stuff. You clearly have
the talent for it, and I’m sure people would give you a lab. Why are you even faffing about with school?
…Well, maybe he’s
terrible at every subject but math and science, and wants to fix that. Even if he has to nearly erase his friends from reality to do so.
Dilton (the world’s
dumbest genius) aside, there’s something that’s kind of been bugging me about
the show. It’s trying to impart morals
and virtues, but sometimes the show seems to go to extraordinary lengths to try
and prove that living the proper way is the only way -- to the point where it
distorts the show AND its messages. For
example, there’s an episode where Archie and the gang head to a carnival to
play a virtual reality game, and Archie gets a swelled head over his wins. But because of his boasting and outright
underhanded tactics, some alien invaders end up breaking through to the real
world. The mess ends up getting sorted
out, and ideally the message is “be a good sport and don’t take the fun out of
the game for others”. But it feels more
like it’s “Remember kids, always be a good sport, or creatures from another
dimension will destroy your town!”
Sometimes the moral and
the weird mystery overlap fairly well, but other times -- like the example
above -- they end up clashing. I feel
like the takeaway from some of episodes isn’t the moral, but the fact that the
monster or phenomenon has been routed and the day is saved. Really, what are kids going to remember most
from one of these episodes? That it’s
important to clean your room? Or that if
you leave your room a mess and wind up in there while shrunken to the size of
an action figure you can go on crazy hamster-riding adventures? Even beyond that, what’s the point of Archie
and Reggie “learning” to set aside their rivalry in one episode if another one
is going to put them right back where they started -- and beyond that, why try
to teach Reggie anything? He’s the scapegoat, yes -- the Goofus to Archie’s
Gallant -- but sometimes he doesn’t even get the chance to understand where he
went wrong.
That all said, Betty is
an interesting case. She has to learn
something every now and then as well -- through some extreme means, and even
then it’s a lesson learned alongside Veronica as per their feud over Archie --
but for the most part she’s the cast’s (and the show’s) moral fiber. She is, in the words of her friends, a
goody-goody. That’s something
deconstructed in an episode where she has to learn not to have blind trust
(ending with her going all pre-reboot Lara Croft to seal away an ancient demon
she freed), but when all’s said and done she’s still the most saintly citizen
of Riverdale in the show…if only because she’s the least likely to destroy it.
But in the context of
the show and the nature therein, I have to wonder about what it’s trying to say
here. Is morality, a life dedicated to
virtue and philanthropy, truly the ultimate state of being? It could be, given that Betty is consistently
the happiest and brightest character in the show, even if Archie’s
double-dating shenanigans force her to reveal her hard edge. (Then again, the AWM canon suggests that Betty and Veronica will become treacherous hussies
on a moment’s notice if it means clinging to a sufficiently-muscular athlete.) Still, for an E/I show to have a character
like that isn’t automatically a bad thing.
The problem, I’d say, comes from deviation. What happens when someone does indulge in
their vices in Riverdale? Does it spell
doom?
If we take AWM as proof, then yes. Yes it does.
The Wikipedia page
suggests that all of the stuff that happens in Riverdale is the result of a lab
experiment gone awry (damn it, Dilton!), creating a sort of nexus of paranormal
activity. It’s a reality shift, making
the impossible possible on a regular basis.
And while it’s obvious that something like that pulls in the weird
mysteries, I don’t think it’s too far of a stretch to assume that it’s had some
sort of effect on the people. Could it
be that their vices and indulgences preemptively bring a potential disaster
within Riverdale’s borders? I don’t have
any proof, but it can’t be a coincidence that the same episode where Jughead
has to learn about how awesome libraries can be is the same episode where a
ghostly librarian from his past starts haunting the town.
My question is how
aware of the circumstances Archie and the gang really are. Chalk this up to a VERY shaky theory, but
hear me out here: what if there’s a reason why Betty tries to be good, beyond
just the sake of being good? What if
she’s literally trying to make the world a better place, even if she’s only
slightly aware of it? That would make
her something very near a savior.
Conversely, that would make someone like Reggie -- someone who goes out
of his way to be an asshole -- something like the antichrist. But what if that’s intentional? Not everybody can be the wellspring of virtue
that Betty is, to the point where her goodness and optimism almost make her
inhuman (so I guess that’s one reason why you’d choose Veronica). Could it be that by letting themselves fall
prey to their darker qualities, the people of Riverdale are just trying to live
their lives as they see fit? Could it be
that they’re trying to choose lives of decadence -- lives of freedom -- over the stresses of
immaculate righteousness? Could it be
that they’d risk everything just for the sake of the lives they want, no matter
the consequences? Or rather, specifically
BECAUSE the people want to face those consequences regardless of whether or not
they can resolve them?
Could it be that the
people of Riverdale, as part of a collective consciousness -- a unified will --
want to leave behind their town, and the mortal coil itself?
I suspect that this
post got away from me. Let’s get back on
topic.
If I had to sum up AWM in one word (setting aside the
potentially horrific implications), it would be “charming”. That, or “cheesy” -- but that’s to be
expected when the plot of virtually episode is something straight out of a
B-movie, AND each episode is announced via a hammy voice-over. The main cast may regularly be the cause of
the episode’s problems, but in a pinch they’re always the ones to resolve it
with some quick thinking, physical prowess, risk-taking, or any mix of the
three. By no means is it a 100% logical
show -- are there no policemen in this town?
Why are there so many death traps in Riverdale? Why would the villains so often agree to the
terms of a bunch of pitiful humans? Why
the hell doesn’t anyone watch Dilton before he does something rock-stupid? --
but it is a surprisingly entertaining one, with lots of color, wit, and that all-American
spirit that lends the show an unmistakable and interesting character. I wouldn’t recommend it over, say, Game of Thrones or Mad Men, but it is worth a look if you can find an episode on
YouTube or on TV.
I don’t know how much
effort went into the show, but for what it’s worth, it’s pretty
well-handled. It’s not going to beat out
what we have nowadays, but I’d like to think that relative to its age and era,
it stands strong. It’s proof that wherever
we are now in the world of high-quality animation, there were building blocks
beforehand leading up to them. And when
all’s said and done, Archie’s Weird
Mysteries may very well be one of them.
It’s enough to make me
want to look into the comics’ canon a bit deeper, as any related media
should. So, let’s see what I can scrape
up right quick through Wikipedia, and --
Oh, dearie me. This is an interesting development. Very interesting indeed. I guess these comics have some real juice
after
PICK BETTY YOU STUPID PUTZ
Honestly? I had this conversation not to long ago. Role Playing game adventurers have it great. They have free reign of villages, people in shops are expected to buy random crap they find laying around, and if you ever get low on cash you can run around in circles outside and slaughter a few easy monsters.
ReplyDeleteBut ultimately you're expected to fight the great evil of the world. However, it is a formula perfect for underachievers. You just want to get rich and live a normal life and have 2.5 kids. So in short, the best job ever is to be on the B team of the band of adventurers out to save the world.
No one expects you to go and kill the big bad. You're just there to fill out the party at the inevitable multi- Party dungeon or when someone on the A team is being temporarily emo because their village got blown up or something. You have a unusual skill set and proprietary equipment that the main guys can't use, but you can easily mop up Goblin Captains to supplement your bar tab.
That'd be the life. Sign me up any day. Just make sure you're an amusing comic relief character and STAY AWAY FROM CUTSCENES. Especially if you are the only 'not important' party member in the group.
Aha, that is a pretty clever strategy. Excellent abuse of loopholes. No one would ever force you to be the hero, or even a member of the main party. And I suppose making money in an RPG is decidedly easy.
ReplyDeleteJust make sure you don't decide to settle down in any doomed hometowns. Seems like every other RPG has to burn a village down to the ground. Best not to get embroiled in that.
Remarkably, that pun was not made on purpose. But I'm glad it slipped in there.
Dear lord... I HATE spiders. Let's just say I had a bad experience with them when moving around from one house to another one day. A... nest if you will... in a piece of my bedroom furniture. I was traumatized for weeks.
ReplyDeleteAnywho.
Arguably, I'd like being in a world that was very detailed and immersive. As much as I adore Mass Effect, I realize I am not really military material and I'd hate to hear threats of giant f-you robots coming to kill us all. But - and I'm not sure if you did a post that mentioned tis once - there are still chances to explore unknown worlds in little time and all sorts of research can be done in so many corners of the galaxy. Considering what I'm studying in university, I'd hop on board if there was a chance for me to study the mythologies of the different alien races on their colonies and their home worlds. I'd might study their languages to help improve the translating software the galactic citizens use. Or I could help ease the political tension between humans and the other races. When I retire at 100 or so, I'd spend the rest of my days teaching or advising based on my experiences. All this could be considered boring background stuff for military-obsessed gamers, but if I had to, I might get some military training so I could use a gun if needed. Some biotics could be awesome too, I guess, if asari are around.
I don't put a ton of thought of where I'd live in other games, though. The SMT franchise has far too many post-apocalyptic worlds manifested with trollish demons that could gouge my eyes in a millisecond. (Have I mentioned I'd be more of a long-distance, magic using fighter over a close-combat warrior?) Legend of Zelda... feels too empty at points for me to want to live there. Windwaker and post-fixed up Majora's Mask might be minor exceptions, but they both are pretty vast and desolate too. So I guess Mass Effect's the easiest one for me to envision.
Had I known that anyone would actually click that link, I probably wouldn't have added it in in the first place. Then again, you can't look anywhere in the Zelda universe without finding something horrific (pro tip: NEVER look up "Dead Hand" in YouTube, Google, or anything. EVER). Still, I feel you on the whole spiders issue. I have my brother to thank for my issues with creepy-crawlies. Let's just say he used a Nerf gun to commit a great evil, once upon a time.
ReplyDeleteIn any case, the ME universe would be a pretty good choice, assuming some of the space-threatening calamities (Ah, yes. "Reapers") get taken care of. In the same sense that not everyone who's in the military works as a gun-toting soldier, there are probably thousands of opportunities for space exploration, cultivation, and outright adventure. Then again, I can't imagine that being too easy on the space-wallet, so I guess those are some woes that'd need cleaning up. Well, joining a crew's always a possibility.
Also, I'll have to keep your RPG class preference in mind. For the record, I'd go with a defensive/support class, like FF's Monks or World of Warcraft's Paladins. In battle, there's nothing more important than survival.
...Then again, I WOULD like the chance to punch some baddies. The Tekken fan in me demands it.