Lloyd pulled back a few
inches, suddenly treating Trixie like a swarm of bees. “Eh wha?!
Y-you’re going to try and teach me how to swim?”
“Not try. Teach.”
“Ah. Er…well, I wish you the best of luck, because
I’m certain you’ll need it.” He pressed
a hand to his chin. “I seem to recall
that the last time I came across a large body of water, I tried to moonwalk my
way through it. The end result was not
exactly something worthy of acclaim or footage for a music video.”
“Well forget all that,
‘cause when I’m done with ya you’ll be a lean, mean, swimmin’ machine!” She patted a hand against Lloyd’s
shoulder. “Just leave it all to me, and
I’ll be sure to make a real man outta ya.
‘Cause when ya get down to it, ya just ain’t all the way there if ya
can’t swim.” Almost as soon as the words
came out of her mouth, Trixie got a bad feeling -- like a phantom pain, or gas
from a poorly-cooked burrito. And she
could immediately guess why.
“So you’re saying that
I’m not a man?” Patton asked. “Because I
can’t swim, either.”
“So in Rockwood, if you
don’t know how to swim, you’re not a man?
What is it, like some kind of bar mitzvah?”
“I-I dunno! It’s just…look, it’s just a figure o’
speech! Just somethin’ I came up with on
the spur o’ the moment! Ya can’t think I
was bein’ serious, can ya? Just playin’
around, that’s all!”
Patton folded his
arms. “Mmmm…I never got into swimming as
a kid. Kiddy pools didn’t exactly agree
with me. Or normal pools, while we’re at
it.” He glared at Trixie. “If you’re teaching my boy how to swim, then
I’ll learn, too. You can teach us both
at the same time.”
“Uh…I’d be glad to.”
Patton flung an arm
behind him, seizing JP by the shirt and dragging him back into view. “And JP here will learn along with us. He could stand to build a little muscle.”
“Oh come on -- I don’t
need to learn how to swim! All I need to
do is scrounge up enough money to buy a boat!
Or barring that, some kind of raft.
Or assuming that the technology’s perfected and made affordable by the
semi-common man, a jetpack. But really,
a boat is all I need.”
“And what happens if
you fall out of that boat?”
“Then one of my
servants will save me.”
“…We’ll take you up on
your offer, Trixie,” said Patton (earning a particularly loud and drawn-out
swear from JP). “Us Hoigleheimers are in
your hands.”
“Uh…that sounds great,
I guess. I mean, I dunno if I’m that
great a teacher, but I’ll do my best for all o’ y’all.” She turned to Mrs. Overdose, who stared
blankly at all the rest. “And what’re ya
gonna do while we’re busy? I hate to
leave ya out and home alone, but…”
Mrs. Overdose turned
away, and gnawed fiercely on her reed.
“Wait a sec. Ya DO know how to swim, don’cha?”
“I think I can
manage. At least I would if I didn’t
have this bad back of mine. It always
goes nuts whenever I get in a big body of water -- been that way since I was
six. So if you don’t mind, I think I’ll
just nap whenever you guys head out. I
gotta take care of myself now that I’m in my twilight years, you know.”
“But didn’t you say
earlier that --?”
“So I suppose you’ll
have a full classroom of students, then,” said Lloyd (oblivious to his lady’s
icy stare). “Very well, then. I can think of no better maiden to entrust
our lives to. I certainly hope it
doesn’t come to a life-or-death struggle, but things tend to go awry in the
most hilarious way possible, I’ve found.”
“Oh boy. We’re all gonna die,” said JP. “Because THAT’S how I wanna spend my winter
break. En route to a cemetery.”
“Nobody’s dyin’ on my
watch -- I can promise ya that much,” Trixie said with a swell of vigor. “So come on, then. Let’s all get ready to --”
“To what? Go get our swimming lessons? The sun isn’t even up, and it’s Christmas morning. Nobody’s open.” He scowled at her. “What, don’t tell me you were planning on
heading to the coast to practice? In
winter? After a snowstorm? We’ll all freeze our legs off.”
“F-fine. Then we’ll wait. There’s gotta be a --”
“A ol’ swimmin’ hole?”
Mrs. Overdose chimed in.
“…There’s gotta be a
pool around here for us to use come tomorrow.
Maybe in a rec center, or a Y.”
“Oh, Porbeagle has one
of those,” said Lloyd. “Except we don’t
call it the Y. We call it the Z.”
“The Z? Why?”
“Presumably so no one
would be able to make a pun-based joke or be confused by its name in casual
dialogue.” Lloyd waved the thought
aside. “So, swimming lessons at long
last? I await your instruction, my dear
Miss Walters!”
“Same here,” said
Patton.
“Guess I don’t have a
choice,” JP grumbled.
“I ain’t touchin’ that
water,” Mrs. Overdose snapped. “Not
unless you pay me.”
Trixie’s shoulders
slumped. What have I gotten myself into this time…?
December 26th
Lloyd rubbed his hands together and
grinned. “Oh ho, so this is it! In mere minutes, I’ll finally become an
aquatic ace! This is nothing less than a
dream made real!”
“Mmmm,” Patton hummed
as he drove the van across frosted streets.
“Me, swimming. I never would’ve
guessed. Maybe now I can finally try
rustling up some shark meat. I’ve always
wanted to give it a try.”
With his arms folded
(and still angry that he’d lost the window seat to the ladies), JP shifted
tersely in place. “Hey. If we’re about to go swimming, maybe we
should have start focusing,” he explained, nudging against Trixie and Mrs.
Overdose with each new turn. “I say that
we all take a temporary vow of silence.
Or we could just extend it indefinitely so we don’t embarrass ourselves
any further. I could go either way.”
“Nobody’s takin’ up a
vow o’ silence. We’re swimmin’, not
turnin’ into a buncha monks.” Trixie
looked out the window; they’d started nearing a decent-sized building, one just
a little bigger than an elementary school.
It certainly didn’t look too fancy -- beige and brown paint, with its
colors dulled further thanks to the wintry filter -- but the hefty Z on a
nearby sign offered more than enough pizzazz.
“So we’re here, huh? Is everybody
ready? Y’all got yer stuff so ya can get
changed?”
Lloyd looked back at
her with wide eyes. “Changed? What do you mean?”
“I mean ya gotta get
changed into yer swimmin’ trunks. Ya
brought ‘em, right?”
“…Define ‘brought’.”
“Aw, dammit, Lloyd!”
“Don’t worry,” said
Patton. “I think the Z lets you borrow
trunks and bathing suits if you need them.
So we should be fine.” He turned
aside. “Unless I just dreamed that. I dream a lot about the Z for some reason.”
“So even you two --?”
JP pressed a palm to
his face and shook his head. “Well, I
was going to use it as an excuse to NOT go swimming, but this works just as
well.”
Mrs. Overdose met
Trixie’s gaze. “The hell are you lookin’
at me for? I don’t swim.”
Trixie hung her head
and sighed. “Okay, let’s go back. We’ll…we’ll just try again tomorrow or
somethin’.”
December 27th
Lloyd rubbed his hands
together and grinned. “And thus, we have
returned! In mere minutes, I’ll finally
become an aquatic ace! This is nothing
less than a dream made real -- for real this time!” He jiggled his legs around. “I must say, this netting against my thighs
is quite a pleasant experience! I
especially like how --”
“Don’t! Don’t -- just don’t say any more, pal,”
Trixie blurted with hands raised in defense.
“All right. Now has everybody got
their swimmin’ stuff on under their clothes?”
“Yes.”
“Yeah.”
“Mmmm.”
“Still ain’t swimmin’.”
“Okay, good. Looks like we’re here. So let’s get these lessons o’ ours started,
all right?”
“Heh ha ha! Finally!”
With one tug of his arm, Lloyd ripped off all but a pair of pink and
white trunks, and flung himself out the van.
“Steel your soul, Poseidon! Lloyd
Beatrice Hoigleheimer shall visit your submerged halls by the next dawn!” He dashed across the Z’s lawn at top speed.
That speed didn’t go
unnoticed. Because at that very moment,
a police siren sounded off.
December 28th
Lloyd rubbed his hands
together and grinned. “And thus, we make
our third adventure! This time, I’ll
truly become an aquatic ace -- especially now that I’m in no danger of being
arrested under suspicion of being a streaking malcontent!” He rubbed his jaw. “In other news, I’m happy to report that the
aftereffects of my close encounter with a Taser have finally subsided.”
“Good to know,” said
Trixie, managing to look almost as sour as JP.
“All right. Everybody ready for
the pool this time? Got your trunks and
junk all set? Mr. Hoigleheimer, are the
doors locked?”
“Locked tight.”
“Okay. So this time, let’s actually start learnin’
how to swim.”
Patton brought the van
to a stop in the parking lot, and one by one the party started to file
out. A blast of cold air greeted them,
but they kept walking regardless; just a few steps and they’d be in a
(hopefully) well-heated complex.
Mrs. Overdose looked over
her shoulder -- and then suddenly fell to the ground. “Ow!
Oh, ow, ow, ow! My back! Ohhhhhhh, this cold air is not good for my
back!” She rolled onto her stomach and
moaned, clutching her ribs with one hand and massaging her spine with the
other. “I don’t think I can swim like
this! Better head home!”
“Aw, hell no! Yer not connin’ yer way outta this one,
lady!” Trixie snapped.
But JP knelt beside
Mrs. Overdose and gave her a close examination.
“She might actually be in pain, you know -- old lady and all that,” he
said coolly. “I think we should turn
around and get her in a warm bed.”
“Hrk -- a bed, or a
nice chair’ll do just fine. Preferably
one facin’ a TV.”
“This is way too damn
convenient to be real. Both of ya better
cut this out! There’s no way any o’
us’re buyin’ this!” Of course, she’d
spoken far too soon -- Lloyd had long since dashed across the street, and held
a phone receiver to his ear. “Lloyd, what
in the --?!”
Lloyd looked back at
her and gave her a thumbs-up -- just as an ambulance rounded the corner.
December 29th
Lloyd rubbed his hands
together in a bid to get them back to their normal temperature. “Well, that was an interesting little
excursion,” he said. He blew onto his
hands for a moment. “We should be thankful
that the hospital was so good-natured about that little mishap -- but more
importantly, Lady Overdose is fine.
She’s in good health, and that’s what really matters.”
No one said a
word. They just wore the sourest faces
they could muster.
“…Ah, yes. I believe there was some business about me
trying to become a visitor to Poseidon’s lair.
Suffice to say that desire remains with me.”
“Good to know yer still
in this, Lloyd,” said Trixie as the Z drew closer. “All right.
Everybody ready? Nobody plannin’
on takin’ their clothes off in the street?
Or tryin’ to con their way out of swimmin’ on account o’ their bad
back?”
No one answered her.
“Good. So let’s go ahead and get movin’.”
Patton parked the van,
and the group filed out once more into the biting cold. “Nice to see that the Z is still open ‘round
this time o’ year,” said Trixie. “And it
looks like they’re gettin’ some good business.”
“Well, of course,” said
JP. “See those two guys over there? They’ve probably got gym memberships. No doubt they’re looking to get their money’s
worth just as much as healthy bodies.”
“Huh. Hey, wait a sec -- are we gonna need
memberships to get in there?”
“I don’t think so,”
said Patton. “But just to be sure, I’ll
go over there and ask ‘em.” He started
towards them, and hailed them with a wave.
“Hey there. Mind if I ask you
something? We’re looking to use the Z’s
swimming pool, and --”
They didn’t hear him,
though. They just kept talking with each
other and laughing it up. “Are you
serious? THAT’S the key to that new
diet?”
“Yeah, man. It’s all about this so-called miracle
vegetable. Artichokes.”
Lloyd and JP froze, and
shared a panicked glance. “Lloyd, did he
just say --?”
“I believe he did, JP.”
“What? What did he say?” Trixie asked. But the low rumble coming from Patton’s
direction gave her everything she needed to know and more. And in case she didn’t get the message, she
caught a glimpse of his massive arms rippling with muscles and thumping
veins.
“Artichokes…?” Patton
asked with a growl. “Artichokes? Artichokes? ARTICHOKES?!”
He leapt at them like a rabid tiger, and proceeded to [CENSORED] and
[DOUBLE CENSORED], with no shortage of [LORD ALMIGHTY IS THIS GETTING
CENSORED]. And as they [YOU SHOULD THANK
ME FOR CENSORING THIS], he [OH SWEET MARMALADE AFTER CENSORING THIS I AM GOING
TO NEED SOME SERIOUS THERAPY].
“ARTICHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKES! UUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH!”
The four of them just
stood there agape, watching Patton’s rampage go unimpeded. Luckily, they didn’t have to do a thing; a
police car and ambulance swerved into the parking lot.
December 30th
Lloyd rubbed his hands
together and folded his arms. “Say --”
“No more talkin’!”
Trixie barked. “We’re takin’ a vow o’
silence till we get in the pool.”
“But --”
“No! No!
We’re not doin’ any more dang-ass talkin’! NO!
Every time one o’ y’all talks, we end up losin’ a whole day thanks to
some shenanigans! Well it stops
here! So no talkin’!”
Lloyd opened his mouth
to speak, but decided to clamp it shut and nod instead. He stared out the window, as did Trixie. As did Ms. Overdose. As did JP (despite being denied a window seat
yet again). Patton just kept driving --
and sure enough, the Z started to slide into view.
Ka-PERFECTLY-TIMED
QUADRUPLE BLOWOUT!
The van slid off the
road and onto a sidewalk, thankfully hitting little more than a particularly
tall pile of dog poop -- and more importantly, leaving little more than a party
of sour-faced swimmers. “I was about to
ask you, Dad,” said Lloyd. “When was the
last time you took the old family chariot to the auto shop?”
Ka-SMOKING ENGINE
ADDING INSULT TO INJURY!
Patton rubbed his
crown. “Huh. Knew I was forgetting something.”
December 31st
Lloyd sat with his arms
folded. Trixie and Mrs. Overdose stared
out the windows. JP tapped his foot
against the middle of the floor. Patton
drove. The Z drew nearer.
Lloyd didn’t
speak. JP didn’t speak. Patton didn’t speak. Mrs. Overdose didn’t speak. Trixie didn’t speak. They just sat there. They stayed quiet. They didn’t make a peep, even as the van --
now fully-repaired and outfitted -- came to a stop in the parking lot.
They trudged out of the
van and stood outside its doors for a moment, looking for any sort of disaster
-- around them or amongst themselves -- that would stall their efforts once
again. But nothing came. Nothing more than another frigid gust
slapping them in their faces. And so,
like a squad of tired soldiers, they headed for the entrance to the Z. All in silence. All while onlookers did their best to avoid
them.
Lloyd made it to the
entrance first, with Trixie just a few steps behind on his right. He put a hand on the door, and --
“Oh, hold on a minute.
What day is it?”
Trixie looked at him
with what she hoped wasn’t a grimace (it was).
“It’s the thirty-first. By this
time tomorrow, it’ll be the new year.”
“Oh, really? Well, then.”
He dropped his hand from the door and trotted off at a brisk pace,
waving at the party with a smile. “So
long for now, everyone! I’m afraid I
have somewhere to be!”
“The hell ya do! Get yer dandy ass back here!” With a loud groan, Trixie started chasing
after him. “We didn’t spend a week
tryin’ to get here just so ya can ditch and go…go…” She stopped and turned to the other
Hoigleheimers. “Where’s he goin’,
exactly?”
JP shrugged. “Same place he always goes, I’m
guessing. The High Tide Park…at least,
what’s left of it.”
“The High Tide…wait, ya
mean that place with the busted-up Ferris wheel? Why’s he goin’ there?”
JP started to speak,
but Patton held a hand in front of his son.
“Hold on. We have to wait. We need to save it for the next chapter; let’s
just end on a cliffhanger for now.”
TO BE
HOLLY-JOLLY-TINUED…
So much for the aquatic ace, heh
ReplyDeleteTo be fair Artichokes are a viable rage component. Completely justified.
ReplyDeleteI hear that. And it's justified in ways that you've yet to comprehend, my friend. Heh heh heh...evil laugh.
ReplyDeleteOne's skill in the water is no match for happenstance and a cadre of madmen.
ReplyDelete