I Hraet You (18)

Beat 18: It Really Could Have Ended Only One Way

Deirdre let fly a coquettish giggle.  “Well, you’re a little slow on the uptake, aren’t you, Tiger?” she asked, flashing a gleaming smile.  “Do you want me to spell it out for you?”

Lloyd shook his head jerkily.

“Well, that’s a shame, isn’t it?  Because I’m gonna spell it out anyway -- just so you and I are on the same…hmmm hmmm, wavelength.”  She tugged herself upward, pressing her breasts against Lloyd’s chest, and shifting her cotton tail against his leg, as she moved toward his ear.  “You and I are going to [CENSORED] and [CENSORED] all day and all night, and then [CENSORED] while you [STILL CENSORED] and I [DEFINITELY CENSORED].  And then I’ll [WOW THAT’S MOST CERTAINLY CENSORED] with a [OH SWEET APPLE PIE THAT’S CENSORED] while I [GOOD GOOGLY-MOOGLY I’M NOT GETTING PAID ENOUGH FOR CENSORING] and [OKAY THIS IS JUST WRONG I’M OUTTA HERE] like a Portuguese man-o-war.”  She ran a finger across the top of his ear.  “Sound fun?”

Columna Cerului? Collaboration?! Crazy!

Transcending history and the world, a tale of souls and swords, eternally retold...oh wait, wrong game.

Anyway, for the past couple of weeks I've been working on a collaborative project with my blogging comrade, Konstantine.  Who is that, you ask? Konstantine Paradias is a metaphysical singularity -- a collapsing point on which warriors, philosophers, and lovers from days past live on within his blazing core.  As decided by fate and his own noble soul, he has chosen to use his great and terrible power for the betterment of mankind.    He also reviews comic books.
   
That (incredibly honest and truthful) introduction aside, we've worked together to come up with a product that will hopefully delight, entertain, and make you want to ram dollars through your screen into cyberspace -- a dream RPG dubbed Columna Cerului.  Go read the hell out of it...and if you haven't already, be sure to follow the crap out of his blog.  It's probably the smartest thing you'll do all day -- or at the very least, the best thing you can do with your time online.

You heard me.

I Hraet You (17)

Beat 17: And Then There Was a Rabbit

Lloyd stared at Sheila.

Sheila stared at Lloyd.

Lloyd stared at Sheila.

Sheila stared at Lloyd.

Lloyd stared at Sheila.

Sheila stared at Lloyd.

Lloyd turned to the side.  “I feel as if we’ve done this dance already.”

The Final Mix: A Kingdom Hearts Retrospective (Part 4)

You’ve seen me cry about E3.  You’ve seen me moan about Prometheus.  You’ve endured my constant peddling of an over-the-top love comedy without complaint.  And now, finally, the Kingdom Hearts Retrospective returns with a vengeance -- a vengeance so vengeful, you’ll want to avenge the vengeance.  Vengefully.

I know I’ve made this fairly clear already, but just in case anyone needs to hear it directly, I’ll say it now.  Not only do I like Kingdom Hearts 1, but I prefer it over its mechanically-superior sequel Kingdom Hearts 2.  Why?  Because KH1 has a better story.  Not the most complex story, mind, and likely not the best story ever told in a video game -- but for what it was worth, it succeeded.  Keeping in line with its “simple and clean” veneer, it satisfied from start to finish.

But in spite of that “simple and clean” veneer, it offered its fair share of depth and subtleties.  It was -- and is -- a self-contained story with plenty of themes to explore, unburdened by the need to play its cards close to the chest for sequels.  Whatever the case, it’s certainly a story that leaves you feeling good, and without any complexities weighing you down.  Makes me wonder what happened when the sequel came around -- seriously, what the hell happened, Squeenix? -- but we’ll get there when we get there.

For now, let’s do something that’s been long overdue.  Let’s talk about Kingdom Hearts 1’s story.

I Hraet You (16)

Beat 16: Total Neurological Wipeout and Euphemisms

Lloyd stared at Sheila.

Sheila stared at Lloyd.

Lloyd stared at Sheila.

Sheila stared at Lloyd.

Lloyd stared at Sheila.

Sheila stared at Lloyd.

Lloyd raised a hand.  “Excuse me.”

“Yes?”

“…What?”

Enter Sandman: Remembering Chaos Legion

Anyone out there ever play a game called Chaos Legion?  For those who haven’t, it’s an old hack and slash from Capcom made in 2003, and follows in the same groove as Devil May Cry.  A young yet skilled swordsman, fighting against the army of the damned with his own supernatural abilities, in what is arguably a hybrid between Pokémon and Dynasty Warriozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Sorry, let me start that again.  Gameplay-wise, it’s pretty simple -- run, jump, summon demons, attack with squazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Dammit, why does that keep happening?  All right, seriously though, the first level has the standard tutorial, letting you get a feel for the combazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Okay, reset article.

This looks disappointing.

Coming soon to a blog near you...maybe.  If you believe in miracles, perhaps.

I Hraet You, Disqus

Minor update right quick -- I've decided to switch this blog over to using Disqus for the comments section.  It seems to be growing more popular and more useful, so I'd wager it's to my advantage to jump on the hype train before it takes off from Radical Station for New Badassington.  I hope everything works out; I'm a little worried about the transition from one platform to another, but (as I understand it) people will be able to comment more easily via Disqus than Blogger's default platform.  Likewise, I'm worried about this "import comments" business -- particularly because right now my comments are all MIA on the pages themselves.  So if there's anybody out there just itching to lay into me, I'd recommend waiting a bit; the blog's going through some growing pains, but hopefully it'll all turn out better than expected.

Now that that's out of the way, here's a little something from me to you: some sketchy art of I Hraet You's miserly misanthropic snark-meister, JP Hoigleheimer.

Aw, look how adorable he is!  Don't you just want to give him ALL OF THE MONEY?

I Hraet You (15)

Beat 15: Now You’re Just Trying Too Hard!

Lloyd spent the rest of anatomy class with Lien-Hua with his hands in his pockets; thanks to the first day of school being less than taxing, he and his classmates could just lean back and let her run through the typical “welcome back” procedures. 

Still, he kept a close eye on her the whole time.  If she was in any danger of a soul-based meltdown -- or even a victim of it -- she could sure hide it well.  Lien-Hua operated with the grace and composure he’d expected; at times she stumbled a bit and showed just how jittery she could get (like a pratfall worthy of the average rom-com); at other times, she seemed as at ease and acclimated as one of her students -- when she finished her rundown of the course, she sat down with a few of them and traded stories about their summers.  Lloyd could sooner worry about being struck by lightning than his teacher’s despair.  And yet…

She was only at a half-star, he thought, watching her giggle alongside some of the girls.  An ill omen, if there ever was one.  And yet she hardly seems fazed.  Why?  What could weigh down her heart so heavily?  Or…could it be that my understanding is faulty?

I Hraet You (14)

Beat 14: Breaks Are For the Lucky

Lloyd leaned forward and adjusted his glasses.  “Well now, this is unexpected.”

The audition room loomed before him, in all its monochrome glory.  The director’s chair behind a long desk.  The stage ahead, with the outlines of curtains.  Wires and lights,   from studio lamps to spotlights on hanging rails; a blank screen on stage, with props and cameras strewn about it.  So I’ve managed to return at last, he thought, stroking his chin.  In which case, I’ve gained some valuable data.  There are two qualifiers for entering the audition room.  First, endearment.  And second, physical contact.  Given my history with Miss Zhang and our…well, accidental contact, it seems I’ve all the proof I need.

He stroked his chin with his index finger.  I’ll admit that I wasn’t quite prepared to have an encounter with Miss Zhang, but I’ll allow it.  So long as I’m here, I may as well begin practicing, and improve my knowledge on matters of the heart.  He turned aside.  Although…