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June 24, 2012

I Hraet You (17)

Beat 17: And Then There Was a Rabbit

Lloyd stared at Sheila.

Sheila stared at Lloyd.

Lloyd stared at Sheila.

Sheila stared at Lloyd.

Lloyd stared at Sheila.

Sheila stared at Lloyd.

Lloyd turned to the side.  “I feel as if we’ve done this dance already.”

Sheila took a step back, and pulled her hands over her body.  “Y-you aren’t gonna throw that, are you?  I…I-I-I just wanted to…I wanted to bear your children!  Isn’t that good enough for you?”  Finding a bit of nerve, she reached toward him --

“Stay back, you mucus-filled maiden!” Lloyd warned, hoisting the grenade like a football.  “If you would push me to such desperate lengths, I’ve no choice but to rely on such bombastic proce-” He snickered to himself.  “Pfft, bombastic…what a delightful pun -- COME TOWARDS ME AND I’LL BLOW MYSELF UP!”


Lloyd smiled feverishly, and clutched the grenade in both hands.  “Yes…you think that, even in my most desperate hour, I would dare harm a prodigiously-proportioned phlegmatic princess?  Clearly you -- huh, now it’s alliteration -- STAY YOUR HAND, LEST I STRIDE TOWARDS MY BECKONING TOMB!”

“You wouldn’t!”

He didn’t bother answering.  He just slipped a finger through the pin, teasing its metal edges like a soon-to-be bride.  “I suggest you bow out for the moment, Miss O’Leary.  I would hate for any harm to come to you by way of my combustion.”

“You’re…you’re totally crazy!”

“Crazy, you say?  Perhaps so…but the mind of a madman creates paths that no others can begin to imagine!  And that is why, at this very moment, I shall know triumph!”


The door to the farthest stall swung open -- and out walked May, stroking the back of her neck.  “Guess I’ll wait,” she muttered with a sigh.  She lifted her head and turned to face Lloyd and Sheila, both of whom stared at her with bulging eyes.  “Oh.  Glasses festival?”

“What on -- how long have you been in there?!”  Lloyd yelled.

May tilted her head -- left, then right, then left, then right, and then left again.  “A while.”  She looked inside the stall.  “I wanted to see if my bugs can make it through the school’s pipes.  Need to get inside the walls.  Rare breed of spider.  Could be awesome.”

“Ah.  That seems…logical.”

May ran her eyes across the bathroom -- namely, on the half-naked Sheila and the suicidal Lloyd.  “Having fun?”

“Eh -- n-now, now, I know this looks rather compromising, but it’s not nearly as bad as it looks!”

“Soooooo…either you two do it on a dirty floor.  Or you blow yourself up and die.”

Lloyd pouted.  “Well, if you say it like that, then of course it sounds scandalous.”

Sheila took a step forward.  “P-please leave!  This doesn’t concern you!”  She pumped her fists up and down (with her motions drawing Lloyd’s eye once again).  “I’m not gonna let this chance go!  Lloyd and I were meant to be -- and I have a curse to remove!  This is my…this is our destiny!”

“Destiny.”  May pointed at Sheila.  “Is that what you call your boobs?”

“What?  N-no, I --”

“Did you get bitten by ants?  A lot?  On your boobs?  And that’s why they’re so swollen?  Or stung by bees?  Lots of bees?  On your boobs?  And you’re having an allergic reaction?  Are you dying?  Because of the bee stings?  Or because your lungs are getting crushed by your boobs?  Or your ribs?  You know, because of your boobs?”

“That’s --”

May didn’t bother letting her finish; she just kept pointing and staring with her typical pokerfaced gaze.  “Your whole body’s swollen.  It’s all puffy and gross.  Did you get stung everywhere?   Or are you just fat?  Are you pregnant?  Or maybe full of larvae?  Are you some kind of human-insect hybrid?  Like a hive queen or something?  Are you going to give birth to bug people?  Are they gonna be all fat and gross like you?  Are queens really stupid and desperate?  Why choose Lloyd as your mate?  Are you seriously only living to have children?  Are you stupid?  Why aren’t you wearing your clothes?  Do bug-girls just think that all girls are just whores that have to show off their bodies to be successful?  Where are your antennae?  How do you even stand up?  Why do you think you’re anything special if all you have is a fat and gross body without extra legs and senses?  Why don’t you crawl back into your hive?  Where’s your hive?  Is it failing because they have to feed you?  Why were you even born if you’re a fat and gross failure that can’t even lay a decent man-bug egg?”  She glanced blankly at the ceiling.  “This is boring.  Go in a corner and cry forever.  Stupid ugly human.”

 And not surprisingly, Sheila did just that.  She curled herself into a ball and pressed her tucked-in body as far as she could into the corner, sobbing, snorting, and sputtering snot as inelegantly as she could.

“M-Miss May!  That was far too harsh!” Lloyd exclaimed, turning to her in a huff.  “Her intentions and actions are a bit extreme, no question, but to deride her for such pure-hearted resolve…and you would decry her body?  For shame, madam!  For shame!”

“She had it coming,” May countered.  “She stalked you and almost killed you.”  She leaned past Lloyd and looked at the quivering commando.  “How did you even fit in the vents with that useless fat body of yours?”


“Now that was just uncalled for!”  Lloyd turned quickly to Sheila, holding out a hand to try and pacify her.  “Now, now, Miss O’Leary -- you need to calm down.  It would do you no good to let the opinions of one onlooker -- and a distinctly petite one at that -- sway your heart into such a tumultuous state.”

Sheila turned back toward Lloyd, giving him full view of the green rivers soaking her face and dribbling across her body.  “Y-you think I’m pretty?”

“Yes!”  But out of reflex, Lloyd started pulling back his hand.  “E-er, ma’am, your face, it’s…it’s got some…er…”  He watched with trembling lips as it slid atop the rest of her body -- everything from the chin down now in need of a high-powered rinse.  “You…you, um, might want to clean yourself off.  It’s a bit unsightly.”

“So I AM ugly.”

“No, no, no!  You’re just…well, given a few minutes of care, doubtless you’d be in tip-top shape!”

In spite of Lloyd’s words -- or likely because of them -- Sheila buried her face in her knees and faced the corner again, making sure to use said knees as a makeshift tissue.  “You don’t have to lie!  I know I’m ugly and stupid and crazy!”

“At least she’s honest,” said May.  “Hey, don’t forget slutty.”

Sheila sucked about two percent of her snot back into her nose.    “I…I-I’m doing all I can to try and change myself!  I don’t wanna be a loser anymore -- that’s why I need you, Lloyd!  Let me bear your children!”

May nudged Lloyd in the kidney.  “Maybe you should do her.”

“Ehhhhhhhh?!  Have you gone mad?!”

“What could go wrong?”  May glanced around the room, staring inside the stall for a moment before turning back to Sheila.  “Besides becoming a father.”  She raised her eyebrows. “Actually, that would suck.  Don’t do it.  Her.  This is boring; I’m gonna go find some bugs.”  She started for the door.

“Now wait just one moment, Miss May!”  Lloyd thrust a finger toward her.  “I’ll let you speak ill of me as much as you please without impunity -- but the moment you harm the mental well-being of another young lady is where I draw the line!  I demand that you apologize, that you may repair your standing in my eyes!”

May stared blankly at him.


She turned to her left.  “I did that for you,” she explained briskly.  “She wouldn’t get out of the way.  Now she is.  So you can go.  And I can go.  And get more bugs.  And you don’t blow up.”

“So you were actually trying to help me?  Miss May…”  Lloyd rubbed the back of his head and grinned sheepishly.  “You and Miss O’Leary have quite a bit in common, body types aside!  Both of you have gone to extreme measures in your interactions with me!  Why, I hardly feel worthy of your conce-”

“Is that a grenade in your hand?”

“Eh?”  Lloyd lifted his hand -- and sure enough, he was still clutching the thing.  “Oh, right.  Well, I suppose I won’t need it anymore.  Now, how to dispose if it safely.”

“I know.  Give it to me.”  And before Lloyd could say otherwise, May swept it out of his hands…and the next thing Lloyd knew, he heard a very distinct clicking sound. 


May lobbed the grenade into one of the stalls.  “Gonna let those spiders out,” she explained.  But before she’d even finished speaking, she started power-walking her way out of the bathroom.  “You should move.  See you around.”

Lloyd started stumbling after her.  As May stood in the doorway, he snapped his head to his left; Sheila still hadn’t moved, or even shown signs of recognition.  She just kept sobbing away.  “Miss O’Leary!  Now is a VERY good time to start running!”

“I’m just a fat, stupid, fat, useless, ugly, fat, cursed, fat, have weird taste in men, gross, fat…” And she kept moaning to herself, adding more and more adjectives in a sentence with no end. 

“Miss O’Leary!”  Lloyd reached for her, but kept his hand at bay.  If he grabbed her now, then he’d head to the audition room.  But she wasn’t about to move on her own anytime soon.  How could he save her if he couldn’t even touch her?  “Miss O’Leary!  You need to move!  NOW!”

“Bugs don’t need words.  Why should you?”

Lloyd looked back toward the door.  May had poked back in, and pressed a hand against Lloyd’s arm.  “Miss May, what are you --?!”

“Work your magic, Lloyd.”  And with one quick motion, she shoved Lloyd to one side.

Lloyd lost his balance.  He stumbled, then slid, and finally started toppling.  And of course, the one person he couldn’t afford to touch was right in his path.

He tumbled onto Sheila.


Lloyd opened his eyes.  “Oh, damn it all!  I’m back here again!”  The confusion he’d felt at first and the excitement he’d felt later gave way to a cocktail of annoyance and dread; what would he do if faced with another round of half-star scrambling?  What would he do if faced with powerlessness and failure?

He shook his head; he wasn’t in the mood to find out.  It would seem that Miss O’Leary has yet to appear on stage, he thought.  He shot an eye towards one of the walls.  That’s right.  I need to escape here as quickly as I can.  If this world moves in real-time, then if I don’t get a move-on I’ll be dealing with an up-close and personal Fourth of July celebration.

He started to get out of the director’s chair…but suddenly, he was forced back down.  Forced by something heavy.  Something with long legs, and wide hips, and hot, pearly skin, and massive --

“M-M-Miss O’Leary?!” Lloyd choked.  That was the most he could get out of his throat before it slammed shut.  Yes, a woman that LOOKED a bit like Sheila had climbed into his lap.  But it certainly wasn’t a woman that ACTED like her.  Ignoring the fact that she’d come out to play in a red corset, stockings, high heels, and -- of course -- bunny ears, she roped her arms around him, eager for a kiss.

But that wasn’t all.  Her glasses were gone.  Her bandages were gone.  Her incessant sniffling, gone.  Her frizzy braids, gone.  In their place, she’d applied a subtle yet scintillating amount of makeup -- lipstick, blush, eye shadow, the works.  She let her smooth, wavy hair fall around her body like Eve, and fluttered her sparkling eyelashes; all the while, she let her puckered lips move on their own, mouthing sultry suggestions into Lloyd’s brain.   

“Hey there, handsome,” she said -- spoken in a voice much too deep, clear, and sensual to be Sheila’s.  “The name’s Deirdre.”  She leaned toward Lloyd’s ear and whispered, “Ready to have some real fun?”

And to that, Lloyd had only one response.




  1. I've noticed we share at least 3 things in common, writing, video games and Norse Mythology...I was wondering what kind of video games you play?

  2. Short answer: I play what's good and stylish. Long answer: fighting games, RPGs, turn-based strategy games, and a fair share of action games. I'm also really into LittleBigPlanet 2 right now.

    How about you?