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June 26, 2012

I Hraet You (18)

Beat 18: It Really Could Have Ended Only One Way

Deirdre let fly a coquettish giggle.  “Well, you’re a little slow on the uptake, aren’t you, Tiger?” she asked, flashing a gleaming smile.  “Do you want me to spell it out for you?”

Lloyd shook his head jerkily.

“Well, that’s a shame, isn’t it?  Because I’m gonna spell it out anyway -- just so you and I are on the same…hmmm hmmm, wavelength.”  She tugged herself upward, pressing her breasts against Lloyd’s chest, and shifting her cotton tail against his leg, as she moved toward his ear.  “You and I are going to [CENSORED] and [CENSORED] all day and all night, and then [CENSORED] while you [STILL CENSORED] and I [DEFINITELY CENSORED].  And then I’ll [WOW THAT’S MOST CERTAINLY CENSORED] with a [OH SWEET APPLE PIE THAT’S CENSORED] while I [GOOD GOOGLY-MOOGLY I’M NOT GETTING PAID ENOUGH FOR CENSORING] and [OKAY THIS IS JUST WRONG I’M OUTTA HERE] like a Portuguese man-o-war.”  She ran a finger across the top of his ear.  “Sound fun?”

Lloyd’s eyes whirled around in his head.  G-good Lord!  We don’t have the zoning clearance for that!  I’ve got to get out of here -- even if I have no choice but to get a bit rough with her!  Summoning all his strength, he clenched his teeth and forced her to move…about half a centimeter before his strength gave way.  Oh…oh, oh, oh dear.  She’s significantly heavier than she appears -- and that’s quite a feat.  Hercules himself would break his back trying to lift her!  Speaking of which, I might have torn mine to shreds.

Very well.  If strength alone won’t win me the day, I’ll resort to an array of brilliant tactics!  Should a handsome and adorable gent be what her heart desires, I’ll dissuade her advance with theatrical gusto!  He stuck out his bottom row of teeth and cocked his head, and sent his eyes bounding about like marbles in a dryer.  “Durrr, me Lloyd!  You is pretty lady!  We go fun do stuff, durrr, whoopee!” 

Deirdre pressed a finger against his lips.  “You don’t have to try and romance me.  I’m already yours -- and you’re already mine.”

Lloyd squealed like a schoolgirl stepping on a mouse.

“Ooooh, you’ve got quite the vocal range,” said Deirdre, stroking Lloyd’s chest.  “Let’s see just how high that voice of yours will go, shall we?”

Blast and confound it!  Not even my finest acting skills could shift her course…what hope do I have left?  He glanced up at the stage.  She appeared beside me rather than up there…why, I’ve no clue, but I wish she had played her part more closely.  If she stayed up there, then perhaps she’d be a bit easier to work with.

Wait a minute…of course!

Lloyd cleared his throat.  “As much as I would like to…er, play several rounds of Twister with you, I’ve a proposition.”  He pointed ahead.  “A mere director’s chair seems far too unsavory of a platform for such energetic evening activities.  Why not -- and forgive my play on words -- shift to a much more appropriate stage?”

“Ooooh, I like the way you think.”  Deirdre leapt off of Lloyd and started for the stage, taking one sensual, swaying step after another.  “I’ve always liked men with a little bit of, hmm hmm hmm, imagination.”

“I assure you that when it comes to matters of the mind, I always manage to please,” said Lloyd, following as slowly as he could behind her.  As she climbed onto the stage (making sure to present her backside as obviously as possible), he cut an eye toward the room’s exit.  Could he make it?  Or was Deirdre faster than her burdened form implied?  He didn’t want to take the risk.  “Oh my!” he yelled, leaning forward and adjusting his glasses.  “My, my, my, my, my!  What a frame you have, milady!  Indulge me a moment, and hold that pose!”

Deirdre turned her head towards him, her come-hither look now showing more than a little confusion.  “So you like what you see?  Hmmm, well, aren’t you just a sweetheart?”

“No sweeter than the fine posterior molded to your divine form!  But soft!  What fortune, to befall upon me at this very moment!  To bear witness to a beauty that bears her bewildering behind -- a blessing, so oft ignored in the shadow of that bountiful, benevolent bosom!”  He pressed one hand to his chest, and threw out the other like an impassioned preacher.  “Ah, my raging heart!  Let your beating be my truth!  Hammer from within my mortal form, and cry your praises through immutable song!”

Deirdre smiled once more.  “Hmmm, well, I’m so flattered.”  She started swaying her hips left and right, the cotton tail of her outfit moving like a metronome.  “You certainly know how to romance a girl.”  She pressed her lips together, and puckered them up.  “Shall I blow you a kiss as tha-”

She turned around -- just in time to catch a glimpse of Lloyd making a wild dash for the door.  “Hey!  HEY!  What the hell are you doing?!”

Lloyd whipped his head toward her and saluted.  “I offered you a truthful appeal,” he explained.  “An honest appeal to your body…and with it, your vanity!  Now, fair maiden, I shall depart -- but rest assured, when time allows it I shall retu-”


Lloyd fell flat on his butt just before touching the door -- just before a slew of lamps and props crashed and bent against it. 

“You’re not going anywhere, sweetie,” Deirdre growled as she advanced on Lloyd -- all while making sure to keep one hand firmly wrapped around a set lamp, and unconcerned as it warped in her tightening grip.  “You and me are gonna have some real fun, right here, RIGHT NOW.  Got that?!”

“B-b-but --”

“The only ‘but’ I want to hear about is MY butt!  Get over here, NOW!”

Lloyd didn’t bother objecting.  He just started scrambling across the wreckage, hoping to lay a hand on the doorknob.  But he just couldn’t reach it; as he glanced over his shoulder, he saw Deirdre winding up for her next attack -- she geared up to throw the lamp like a javelin.

“HGGGAH!” Lloyd wailed.  But just as the lamp left Deidre’s hand, his fingers slipped though a crack in the rubble.

Right onto the doorknob.


Lloyd opened his eyes.  He’d just had his first miracle; he had returned to the restroom, with Sheila’s back pressed against his chest, and -- thankfully -- without any metal rods jutting through his torso.  “Whew.  I’m safe,” he said with a sigh. 

Then he turned back to the stall.  “Oh wait, I’m not safe!”  He sprang to his feet and slipped his hands under Sheila’s arms.  “Miss O’Leary!  Now would be a good time to bid farewell to this restroom!”

Sheila stopped crying for a moment.  “H-huh?  Why?”

“Because there’s a grenade that’s going to go off in NOW seconds!”  He tried tugging her to her feet, but with no success; he’d sooner move a hippopotamus than this girl.  “No choice, then!” he yelled.  He crouched down and shielded her body with his own; would his fleshy, cotton-shrouded back be enough to stop an explosion?  He’d soon find out.


Very soon.

Really soon.

Like…any time now…

“Eh?”  Lloyd stood up, and unhinged his body from Sheila’s -- hands, torso and all.  “That’s odd.  I should have been severely wounded by now.”  He patted himself down.  “Not a scratch on me.  But how?  Could that grenade have been a dud?  Is that even possible?”

And then May walked back into the room, giving the ceiling the most blasé look she could muster.  “Did you do it yet?”

“Do what?”  But before he could get an answer, Lloyd held up his hands.  “No, wait!  Miss May, you must be careful!  That grenade could detonate on a moment’s noti-”

“No it can’t.”  She crouched down and pointed under the stall.  Lloyd knelt down and followed her finger…straight toward a still-pinned grenade.  “See?  All clear.”

“So we were never in any danger?”

“Nope.”  She cocked her head.  “Well, you were.  You know, blood flow and all that.”

“So what, pray tell, was the point of such an unwarranted deception?”

May pointed at Lloyd.  “To get you to move your gaster,” she answered quickly.  “Ants move fast when they’re under a magnifying glass.  Also, to see what would happen.  Thought it would be funny.  It wasn’t.  You mad?”

“I -- well, I…”  Lloyd scratched his head.  “I can’t say that I am…though I suppose I have the right to be.”  He pointed over his shoulder to the still-trembling Sheila.  “I managed to learn something from her -- though at the same time, it only raises further questions.  It seems like that’s the theme of this day so far, to be frank.”

“Huh.  So what now?”

Lloyd stood up.  “Miss O’Leary.  This has been a…tumultuous introduction, to say the least.  But even with all the less-than-enlightened motions on both our parts, I still hope that you and I can form a strong bond.  What do you say?  Shall we begin anew?”

Sheila turned to face him, just in time to spot his cheerful smile.  “I’m an ally of women everywhere,” he declared.  “Call on me anytime, whether you need a guardian, a confidant, or just a friend -- by my word, I’ll be by your side in an instant.”

She clasped her hands.  “Lloyd…”

Lloyd nodded.  “And Miss May, as for you…”  He turned back to face her -- except she was gone.  “Eh?  Where did you scurry off to, Miss May?”

Right on cue, May emerged from one of the stalls -- and once again, started power-walking her way out of the room.  “We should go.”  As she headed out the door, she tossed something back inside the restroom: the pin of a grenade.

And then for good measure, she tossed several more pins alongside them.

Lloyd and Sheila didn’t bother sticking around or spouting off hammy dialogue.  They high-tailed it out of there, with Lloyd slamming the door behind them.  And then, not a half-second later…


A hefty explosion rocked all three of them, and the walls, and the ceiling, and even the ground a little bit.  As they stared ahead, the door bobbled back open, just before falling off its hinges and letting smoke billow into the hall.  Cracked tiles and debris had been splayed across the ground from the blast, and Lloyd sincerely hoped that he didn’t see a few embers dance inside the restroom.  But, rather curiously, something emerged from the restroom.  Like a puddle, only black and orange, with forms a bit more discernible than the average mass of water droplets.

May raised her eyebrows as the mass slid down the hall.  “I freed the spiders.  Sweet.”

Sheila turned toward Lloyd.  “Wh-what do we do know?  If anyone finds out about this --!”

But Lloyd merely waved a hand through the air.  “Don’t you worry!  Nobody was hurt, so there’s no reason for anyone to think the worst of us!”


“All three of you are getting expelled,” said the vice-principal.

Lloyd’s shoulders slumped.  “Okay, I deserved that.”


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