Deirdre let fly a
coquettish giggle. “Well, you’re a
little slow on the uptake, aren’t you, Tiger?” she asked, flashing a gleaming
smile. “Do you want me to spell it out
for you?”
Lloyd shook his head
jerkily.
“Well, that’s a shame,
isn’t it? Because I’m gonna spell it out
anyway -- just so you and I are on the same…hmmm hmmm, wavelength.” She tugged
herself upward, pressing her breasts against Lloyd’s chest, and shifting her
cotton tail against his leg, as she moved toward his ear. “You and I are going to [CENSORED] and
[CENSORED] all day and all night, and then [CENSORED] while you [STILL
CENSORED] and I [DEFINITELY CENSORED].
And then I’ll [WOW THAT’S MOST CERTAINLY CENSORED] with a [OH SWEET
APPLE PIE THAT’S CENSORED] while I [GOOD GOOGLY-MOOGLY I’M NOT GETTING PAID ENOUGH
FOR CENSORING] and [OKAY THIS IS JUST WRONG I’M OUTTA HERE] like a Portuguese
man-o-war.” She ran a finger across the
top of his ear. “Sound fun?”
Very well. If strength alone
won’t win me the day, I’ll resort to an array of brilliant tactics! Should a handsome and adorable gent be what
her heart desires, I’ll dissuade her advance with theatrical gusto! He stuck out his bottom row of teeth and
cocked his head, and sent his eyes bounding about like marbles in a dryer. “Durrr, me Lloyd! You is pretty lady! We go fun do stuff, durrr, whoopee!”
Deirdre pressed a
finger against his lips. “You don’t have
to try and romance me. I’m already yours
-- and you’re already mine.”
Lloyd squealed like a
schoolgirl stepping on a mouse.
“Ooooh, you’ve got
quite the vocal range,” said Deirdre, stroking Lloyd’s chest. “Let’s see just how high that voice of yours
will go, shall we?”
Blast and confound it! Not even
my finest acting skills could shift her course…what hope do I have left? He glanced up at the stage. She appeared
beside me rather than up there…why, I’ve no clue, but I wish she had played her
part more closely. If she stayed up
there, then perhaps she’d be a bit easier to work with.
Wait a minute…of course!
Lloyd cleared his
throat. “As much as I would like to…er,
play several rounds of Twister with you, I’ve a proposition.” He pointed ahead. “A mere director’s chair seems far too
unsavory of a platform for such energetic evening activities. Why not -- and forgive my play on words --
shift to a much more appropriate stage?”
“Ooooh, I like the way
you think.” Deirdre leapt off of Lloyd
and started for the stage, taking one sensual, swaying step after another. “I’ve always liked men with a little bit of,
hmm hmm hmm, imagination.”
“I assure you that when
it comes to matters of the mind, I always manage to please,” said Lloyd,
following as slowly as he could behind her.
As she climbed onto the stage (making sure to present her backside as
obviously as possible), he cut an eye toward the room’s exit. Could he make it? Or was Deirdre faster than her burdened form
implied? He didn’t want to take the
risk. “Oh my!” he yelled, leaning
forward and adjusting his glasses. “My,
my, my, my, my! What a frame you have,
milady! Indulge me a moment, and hold
that pose!”
Deirdre turned her head
towards him, her come-hither look now showing more than a little
confusion. “So you like what you
see? Hmmm, well, aren’t you just a
sweetheart?”
“No sweeter than the
fine posterior molded to your divine form!
But soft! What fortune, to befall
upon me at this very moment! To bear
witness to a beauty that bears her bewildering behind -- a blessing, so oft
ignored in the shadow of that bountiful, benevolent bosom!” He pressed one hand to his chest, and threw
out the other like an impassioned preacher.
“Ah, my raging heart! Let your
beating be my truth! Hammer from within
my mortal form, and cry your praises through immutable song!”
Deirdre smiled once
more. “Hmmm, well, I’m so flattered.” She started swaying her hips left and right,
the cotton tail of her outfit moving like a metronome. “You certainly know how to romance a
girl.” She pressed her lips together,
and puckered them up. “Shall I blow you
a kiss as tha-”
She turned around --
just in time to catch a glimpse of Lloyd making a wild dash for the door. “Hey!
HEY! What the hell are you doing?!”
Lloyd whipped his head
toward her and saluted. “I offered you a
truthful appeal,” he explained. “An
honest appeal to your body…and with it, your vanity! Now, fair maiden, I shall depart -- but rest
assured, when time allows it I shall retu-”
Ka-SET THRASHING!
Lloyd fell flat on his
butt just before touching the door -- just before a slew of lamps and props
crashed and bent against it.
“You’re not going anywhere, sweetie,” Deirdre growled as
she advanced on Lloyd -- all while making sure to keep one hand firmly wrapped
around a set lamp, and unconcerned as it warped in her tightening grip. “You and me are gonna have some real fun, right here, RIGHT NOW. Got that?!”
“B-b-but --”
“The only ‘but’ I want
to hear about is MY butt! Get over here,
NOW!”
Lloyd didn’t bother
objecting. He just started scrambling
across the wreckage, hoping to lay a hand on the doorknob. But he just couldn’t reach it; as he glanced
over his shoulder, he saw Deirdre winding up for her next attack -- she geared
up to throw the lamp like a javelin.
“HGGGAH!” Lloyd
wailed. But just as the lamp left
Deidre’s hand, his fingers slipped though a crack in the rubble.
Right onto the
doorknob.
--STAGE OFF--
Lloyd opened his
eyes. He’d just had his first miracle;
he had returned to the restroom, with Sheila’s back pressed against his chest,
and -- thankfully -- without any metal rods jutting through his torso. “Whew.
I’m safe,” he said with a sigh.
Then he turned back to
the stall. “Oh wait, I’m not safe!” He sprang to his feet and slipped his hands
under Sheila’s arms. “Miss O’Leary! Now would be a good time to bid farewell to
this restroom!”
Sheila stopped crying
for a moment. “H-huh? Why?”
“Because there’s a
grenade that’s going to go off in NOW seconds!”
He tried tugging her to her feet, but with no success; he’d sooner move
a hippopotamus than this girl. “No
choice, then!” he yelled. He crouched
down and shielded her body with his own; would his fleshy, cotton-shrouded back
be enough to stop an explosion? He’d
soon find out.
Soon.
Very soon.
Really soon.
Like…any time now…
“Eh?” Lloyd stood up, and unhinged his body from
Sheila’s -- hands, torso and all.
“That’s odd. I should have been
severely wounded by now.” He patted
himself down. “Not a scratch on me. But how?
Could that grenade have been a dud?
Is that even possible?”
And then May walked
back into the room, giving the ceiling the most blasé look she could
muster. “Did you do it yet?”
“Do what?” But before he could get an answer, Lloyd held
up his hands. “No, wait! Miss May, you must be careful! That grenade could detonate on a moment’s
noti-”
“No it can’t.” She crouched down and pointed under the
stall. Lloyd knelt down and followed her
finger…straight toward a still-pinned grenade.
“See? All clear.”
“So we were never in
any danger?”
“Nope.” She cocked her head. “Well, you were. You know, blood flow and all that.”
“So what, pray tell,
was the point of such an unwarranted deception?”
May pointed at
Lloyd. “To get you to move your gaster,”
she answered quickly. “Ants move fast
when they’re under a magnifying glass.
Also, to see what would happen.
Thought it would be funny. It
wasn’t. You mad?”
“I -- well, I…” Lloyd scratched his head. “I can’t say that I am…though I suppose I
have the right to be.” He pointed over
his shoulder to the still-trembling Sheila.
“I managed to learn something from her -- though at the same time, it
only raises further questions. It seems
like that’s the theme of this day so far, to be frank.”
“Huh. So what now?”
Lloyd stood up. “Miss O’Leary. This has been a…tumultuous introduction, to say the least. But even with all the less-than-enlightened
motions on both our parts, I still hope that you and I can form a strong
bond. What do you say? Shall we begin anew?”
Sheila turned to face
him, just in time to spot his cheerful smile.
“I’m an ally of women everywhere,” he declared. “Call on me anytime, whether you need a
guardian, a confidant, or just a friend -- by my word, I’ll be by your side in
an instant.”
She clasped her
hands. “Lloyd…”
Lloyd nodded. “And Miss May, as for you…” He turned back to face her -- except she was
gone. “Eh? Where did you scurry off to, Miss May?”
Right on cue, May
emerged from one of the stalls -- and once again, started power-walking her way
out of the room. “We should go.” As she headed out the door, she tossed
something back inside the restroom: the pin of a grenade.
And then for good
measure, she tossed several more pins alongside them.
Lloyd and Sheila didn’t
bother sticking around or spouting off hammy dialogue. They high-tailed it out of there, with Lloyd
slamming the door behind them. And then,
not a half-second later…
Ka-BOOMADOOMA!
A hefty explosion
rocked all three of them, and the walls, and the ceiling, and even the ground a
little bit. As they stared ahead, the
door bobbled back open, just before falling off its hinges and letting smoke
billow into the hall. Cracked tiles and
debris had been splayed across the ground from the blast, and Lloyd sincerely
hoped that he didn’t see a few embers dance inside the restroom. But, rather curiously, something emerged from
the restroom. Like a puddle, only black
and orange, with forms a bit more discernible than the average mass of water
droplets.
May raised her eyebrows
as the mass slid down the hall. “I freed
the spiders. Sweet.”
Sheila turned toward
Lloyd. “Wh-what do we do know? If anyone finds out about this --!”
But Lloyd merely waved
a hand through the air. “Don’t you
worry! Nobody was hurt, so there’s no
reason for anyone to think the worst of us!”
*
“All three of you are
getting expelled,” said the vice-principal.
Lloyd’s shoulders
slumped. “Okay, I deserved that.”
TO BE HEARTINUED…
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