And in her hysteria,
within that maelstrom of chaos and destruction, she found her answer.
A blissful aura
shrouded her, lifting her, as if to ferry her to the Promised Land above. A serene smile teased her lips -- a smile bred
of release from mortal desires or concerns.
Released from her mundane shackles, she could hardly give thought to the
disasters around her. The sirens that
should have wailed and screamed dulled to a near-mute chorus; the armored
truck’s tremulous motions became little more than the rocking of a cradle; even
the sight of aiming weaponry did little more than invite greater bliss.
And with that bliss, in
that perfect moment of universal harmonization, Trixie held fast to the
truth. And with a swell of Zen-like
precision and tranquility, she spoke her answer to the world:
“This is stupid.”
And with those three
words, Trixie realized something: she’d been thrown into a pretty crappy
situation and didn’t want to be there anymore.
“Yeah, little bit!”
Trixie moaned.
“Nothing wrong with a
little tenderizing,” said Patton, licking his lips. “Nothing better than a nice, tender --”
“Now ain’t the time to
be thinkin’ about steaks! S-sir!”
Patton glared at
Trixie. “You take that back right
now. There’s ALWAYS time to think about
steaks.”
“Yes sir, sorry sir,
steaks are awesome, sir. Let’s --
l-let’s have steaks for dinner.” Eager
to forget her fatal faux pas, she banged against the window. “Lloyd, I sure hope ya got a plan! These guys have guns and’re lookin’ to use
‘em!”
“Worry not. I do indeed have a plan -- now, you may want
to brace yourself. This could get a bit
messy!”
The truck rumbled, and
Trixie could hear the sound of something -- wood, and lots of it -- splintering
as they barreled through. And then, they
started bouncing down the road, and toward the police cars in pursuit: a
tsunami of oranges, leaping from the road with rapid thumps, hammering
windshields and coppers alike, slipping into the wheels and grills of the
cars…Trixie bore witness to the citrus-borne chaos.
“It’s working! I don’t believe it, but it’s actually
working!” she yelled, watching with a twinge of relief as the cars began
swerving and backing off. “This has
gotta be some kinda miracle!”
“No miracle, I’m afraid
-- merely the awesome power of a combusted fruit stand,” Lloyd explained with a
swell of pride. “My knowledge of driving
may be suspect, but combine it with even rudimentary movie happenings and I
become a verifiable force of nature!
Why, the only thing I need now is a ramp to drive off of! How high do you suppose we would be able to
go? One mile? Two miles?
A thousand miles, perhaps?”
“Lloyd, don’t ya dare --”
“Ha ha! Merely adrenaline-born jesting, Miss
Walters! I may be feeling rather good
right now, but even I am not so reckless as to jump off a ramp!”
Ka-SREECHY SLAM!
Trixie nearly flew from
one wall to the other, and for a second, the truck balanced itself atop the
outer edges of two wheels. “Lloyd, are
you all right?” Patton asked.
“Yes, I’m fine! There was just a police car that tried to run
us off the road.”
Trixie (once her heart
stopped trying to burst out of her chest) looked out the doors. Even with that savage attack, they hadn’t
stopped moving. They’d been thrown
off-course a bit, and steered a bit too far on the sidewalk for comfort, but
they otherwise held a stable position. “Guess
it’s a good thing we’re in an armored truck,” she said with a quick wipe of her
brow.
“Yes, but…we have a
slight problem.”
“What’s that?”
“We may be about to
make a bit of a leap.”
Trixie could only mouth
the word “leap” -- and before she even finished, she felt her weight, and
gravity’s nurturing embrace, leaving her.
The truck had taken flight; higher, and higher, and higher it went,
eagerly departing from the town’s well-worn asphalt. A rush of air swept around, and through, the
truck, tossing Trixie’s hair about like autumn leaves in a hurricane.
And in spite of it all
-- in spite of the madness that had caused it, or the repercussions of the jump,
or the insanity that would likely follow a half-microsecond after landing --
Trixie actually felt excited. Happy,
even.
That feeling didn’t
last long.
Ka-GOOD FEELINGS ARE
FOR SUCKERS!
It felt like a stampede
slammed into the truck. The armor
dented, and bent well into the truck’s interior. Trixie went flying, and even the stoic Patton
couldn’t help but reel. And the truck
itself? It spun out of control -- it
spun like a log rolling down rapids, sending Trixie bouncing off the walls, the
floor, and the roof dozens of times in a half-minute.
When the truck finally
landed, Trixie bounced off the floor one last time; she would have taken a
moment to cradle (or even complain about) her sore body if she didn’t remember
the open doors, and scrambled to clutch Patton’s leg. “Son of a BITCH! What just hit us?!” she yelled.
Patton glanced out the
doors. “Probably that.”
Trixie turned her head
slowly and peeked over her shoulder. And
there it was -- a big rig that made the average semi look like the runt of the
litter. The black tractor didn’t even
fit in the lane, and its grill -- dented from the aerial assault -- reached almost
as high as the roof of their armored truck.
A minute turn would have been enough for its trailer to swipe nearby
cars off the road, yet the driver was content to hammer any unfortunate souls
into the sky. Lumps of black smoke
spewed from its exhaust pipes, and the rig’s constant honking almost made her
think the clouds were roaring demons.
And worst of all? Flame decals on
the hood -- the mark of a true madman.
“Lloyd!” Trixie called
out, somehow managing to regain her footing.
She banged against the window.
“Lloyd, are ya seein’ what I’m seein’, pal?”
“I’m afraid I am!”
Lloyd answered. “I am beginning to
regret discovering that motor vehicles have rearview mirrors!”
The big rig lurched
forward, obscuring all but the tiniest slivers of the road they left
behind. With a sudden burst of speed,
the rig slammed into the back of the truck; the metal wailed and squealed as
the impact forced it to crumple.
“Remember how I said not to floor it, pal? Well FLOOR IT!”
“I’ve been flooring it
for a while, I’m afraid! I don’t suppose
this vehicle would be equipped with the ‘nitro’ I’ve seen in movies past…?”
“Not a chance!”
“Ah. Then I’ll just have to keep driving until I
think of a good plan. This may take a
while, given the circumstances.”
“We ain’t got a lotta
time here, pal!” No sooner had Trixie
spoken did the rig shove its bumper into the truck once more; for a second she
thought that it started to fling the truck into the air. “Any chance ya could lose this guy? Like right now? ‘Cause now would be good!”
“Aha! This will serve us nicely!” Lloyd swerved the truck to the right, forcing
another brief two-wheel balancing act; as the truck landed back on all fours,
it rattled as dozens of blows struck its shell.
Shards of bark spiraled through the air, plinking against the rig and
bouncing into the distance. “Mother
Nature may very well save us from our pursuer!”
“If it ain’t slowin’ us
down, how’s it gonna stop him?” The rig
backed off for a minute, allowing a quick view of the wooded area they’d
entered -- and more importantly, the trees it chopped with wild swipes from its
trailer. And then, once more, it
hammered the truck’s rear end. “Lloyd,
please tell me ya got a better plan than this!”
“I’m thinking…I’m
thinking…”
“Think faster! Or drive faster! Either one sounds good right about now!”
Patton shifted a bit in
his cuffs. “Hey, Trixie. Hate to interrupt, but…can you do me a
favor? I’ve had an itch for a while now
that I can’t scratch, so if you could just…reach down there and get it for me?”
Trixie’s eyes
widened. “You want me to do WHAT?!”
“Just scratch my
ankle. The right one. It’s been bugging me for a while.” His beard bristled. “Wait a sec.
What did you think I meant?”
“N-no, it’s nothin’ --
I-I just thought ya mighta wanted me to…sir, is this REALLY the best time to be
worryin’ about an itch?”
“Yes! It’s perfect!”
Lloyd blurted.
“That was a rhetorical
question, pal!”
“No, not the itch --
though you should probably attend to that, if you’d be so kind. I know how to defeat this pursuer once and
for all! You’re still wearing my
father’s boots, correct?”
Trixie reddened. “Yeah, but --”
“They’re
steel-plated! Take one of them off, and
throw it with all your might! Do so, and
we may just have the miracle we need!”
Trixie didn’t bother
waiting for any more hammy direction.
She tugged the boot off and clutched it in her right hand -- and with a
quick prayer threw it as hard as she could at the rig.
Ka-HAIL MARY!
The boot pounded
against the rig’s grill, leaving another dent, and then sped up its face to
parts unknown. But even if they couldn’t
see it, they could still hear it -- the shattering of glass, followed
momentarily by a frenzied scream. The
rig backed off, swerved, and crashed through what had to be the homes of
countless innocent squirrels. Its wheels
wobbled, and carried it off its pursuit of the truck. It tilted, and leaned, and honked in horror
-- just before steering into a hill.
And once more, it
jumped. Not with any sense of grace or
control; it just started soaring and soaring, getting enviable air-time over
the green carpet below. But it didn’t
last for too long; it landed with a crash that would wake up the entire
population of Bismarck, North Dakota, ground its way through a grassy knoll,
and came to a dirt-spewing halt hundreds of feet away.
At long last, the chase
had come to a close.
“Huh. Didn’t see that one coming,” said
Patton. He looked down at Trixie. “Now, about that itch…”
TO BE HEARTINUED…
Nice. Some bitter irony there to appeal to a bitter alcohol like myself. You might want to turn down the descriptivity. Yes I invented the word; Such proceedings were good enough for Shakespeare. Nontheless, it might turn down the cheese factor.
ReplyDeleteYeah, you're not the first to tell me to tone down my descriptions; guess it's kind of a bad habit of mine. But I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for reading.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I've been known to invent a word or two in my time; I'm the one who devised the word "axcellent" -- the only way to praise something as awesomely excellent. Or, alternatively, to celebrate one's maximitude.