Beat 76: Myriad Methods to Break the Camel’s Back
Deirdre raised an
eyebrow. “Oh? Did I hear that right? I must have misheard -- because I could have sworn I heard you call me ‘Miss
O’Leary’. Didn’t I just tell you to call
me Deirdre?”
“You did. But it seems like a bit of a misnomer, given
that -- as I understand it -- you and Miss O’Leary are one and the same.” Lloyd stroked his chin. “It goes beyond physical similarities, of
course. We’ve only had a brief time
together, yet the similarities are all in place. It’s only a matter of proper application on
my part; after all, if you ARE the same, then you both have the same shared set
of strengths and weaknesses.”
“Weaknesses? Ha! I have no weaknesses, boy. Get that through your purple head right now.”
“I would watch your
words carefully. Those that utter such a
phrase tend to be proven wrong soon afterward -- spectacularly.”
“Well, I don’t know
much of carnal instincts, but for every other sort I imagine that’s a method
well-tapped. My middle name might as
well be ‘Haphazard’ rather than ‘Beatrice’.”
He glanced aside. “Huh. I just realized that that name is more
commonly given to the fairer sex. That
would explain --”
“Blah, blah, blah. Words and thinking, words and thinking. See?
THIS is why you haven’t satisfied me yet, boy…and that’s exactly why,
from this moment on, I’m taking control.”
She pointed at Lloyd’s head.
“Actions speak louder than words -- and my next one’s about to leave you
screaming all night long.”
“But it’s not
nighttime. Come to think of it, can
there even be a night in this alternate --”
Deirdre took a deep
breath -- and then dive-bombed Lloyd like a fighter jet. If the sonic boom that followed -- a string
of shockwaves that hammered the walls -- wasn’t enough to break Lloyd into
pieces, the collision that followed would do the trick. He thanked his lucky stars that he couldn’t
see his body shattering; a burst of light swallowed him whole, and blanketed
his world in white.
But miraculously -- and
indeed, “miracle” was the only way to describe it -- Lloyd survived. He’d survived, and outside of a sudden
headache he didn’t have any pain to speak of.
And even then, his headache left him soon enough. If not for that lingering whiteness (and the
fact that he’d been bowled onto his back), he would have been fine.
That was quite the shock, Lloyd thought. But it
seems that I’m all right…at least, I will be once I can see clearly again. He sat up and started to regain his
footing. I wonder what my gracious host is --
He stumbled, and fell
back onto his rear. He would have
guessed that Deirdre’s impact had left him off-balance, but he would have
guessed wrong. Something about his feet
had changed; their positioning had shifted, and it felt as if something
protruded from the bottom of his heels.
He tried to stand up again, and managed the job for about two
seconds. A third try had him wobbling,
and tipping backward once more. A fourth
had him stable, but nearly toppling the moment he tried to take a step.
“This is more than a
little odd,” said Lloyd. Except it
wasn’t Lloyd’s voice that came out. And
it wasn’t Deirdre’s, either. No, it was
much smoother, creamier -- proper in tone, but more importantly shifted upward
in tone. It almost sounded like…like…
“No. No, no, it couldn’t be.” Lloyd reached under his glasses and rubbed
his eyes. Somehow, that did the trick;
the whiteness started to fade, leaving him with a blooming view of…the black
and white audition room. But he could at
least make out shapes again. Now he
could take a look at his feet, and figure out why he’d stumbled so much.
Except he couldn’t. He couldn’t even see his feet. Something
got in the way…or rather, some things.
Two of them, large, and fleshy.
Round, and half-contained by silky white cloth. Swelling and contracting in time with his
breaths, with each motion forcing a subtle bounce.
It took Lloyd a full
three minutes to process what he’d gotten an eyeful of. And as the realization dawned on him, those
same eyes nearly rocketed out of his skull.
“Why do I have breasts…?” he asked in a quivering whisper. “Why do I have breasts? WHY DO I HAVE BREASTS?!”
His arms lashed about,
as if he’d turned into an electrified octopus.
Wherever he snapped his head, he found a whole new reason to fear. He saw it all clearly: delicate fingers,
topped off with nails as pink as carnations.
A torso that could shame an hourglass, stuffed (mostly) into a
snow-white bustier. Legs that looked
ready to burst from dark stockings -- and a rabbit-tailed butt with enough
cushion to stop a freight train.
Shimmering violet hair that reached down his back, and bounced as
energetically as his newly-discovered mountains. Upon his feet, a pair of pearly high-heeled
shoes; atop his crown, a pair of fuzzy bunny ears that beckoned -- and rewarded
-- his touch.
“I’ve turned into a
GIRL?!” Lloyd shrieked.
“Not a girl. A woman. And what a woman.”
Lloyd whipped his head
around to try and find the source, but to no avail. “What sorcery is this? What foul, forbidden arts have you used to
transform me so? Stand before me, that
we may --”
“Calm down, sweet
cheeks…oooooh, I guess that’s more appropriate than ever now.” Lloyd’s shadow shifted, twisting and looming
ahead of him. Sure enough, it didn’t
match his movements (or sudden lack thereof); it just folded its arms and
laughed at him. “I have to say, boy,
that’s a good look for you. Or should I
say ‘girl’ instead?”
“You may have changed
my body, but my heart is still that of a man!”
“Oh? I wonder about that. I’ve already given you my body -- or at least
a special version of it. Who’s to say
that our minds -- and our hearts -- aren’t already one?” A low chuckle echoed from the shadow. “We’ve bonded in ways no one else can…and that’s
just the way you like it, isn’t it?”
“How do you mean?”
“Give yourself another
eyeful. Isn’t this like a dream come
true? You never have to worry about
another woman giving you permission for something even as basic as looking at their body -- because as long
as you’re with me, my body is your body. And what could possibly be better?”
“I can think of any
number of things that…” Lloyd cut the
thought short -- mostly because for a moment, his brain had stopped
working. His man’s heart had betrayed
him; his eyes drifted downward…and hardly a microsecond later his body came to
an utter halt. “Oh,” he said
curtly. “Oh.” He jerked out a nod. “Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.”
“So I take it you’re
starting to see things my wa-”
“ARONDIGHT!” Lloyd
roared as he thrust his fists skyward.
“COREISEUCE, SECACE, GALATINE!
LLOYD BEATRICE HOIGLEHEIMER HAS BEEN BORN AGAIN -- THIS TIME, AS A
WOMAN! FEEL MY BOSOMY POWER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Deirdre’s shoulders
twitched. “Oh no.”
“OH YES! OH YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!” Lloyd pumped his fists up and down, with a
delirious smile stretching from one end of the room to the other. “SO BEGINS THE NEW ERA OF SPLENDOR! FEEL THE MIGHT OF THIS WORLD’S NEWFOUND
GODDESS OF LOVE…LLOYDELLINA!”
“Can’t you just go with
something like ‘Lois’ or ‘Lauren’ or --”
But Lloydellina paid
her no mind. Her nostrils flared and
fired off cannons of steam, while her eyes darted so quickly they blurred into
jagged spirals. “MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AND NOW TO BEGIN THE ACCLIMATION PROCESS IN
EARNEST! STARTING WITH…THE SYMPHONY OF
WOMANHOOD! CELEBRATION OF DAILY LIFE
MADE EXTRAVAGANT VIA ESTROGEN!”
“That doesn’t make any
--”
“THE FIRST MOVEMENT:
LIGHT STRETCHING TO DISPEL MORNING GROGGINESS!”
Lloydellina dropped onto her side, and mimed getting out of bed; she
threw one hand upwards, and clapped the other atop a yawn-flinging mouth -- all
while jostling, arching, and twisting her back.
“Ahhhhh. I think I’ll eat some
oatmeal this morning,” she said, staring dopily at some imaginary point.
“Lloyd? Are you --?”
“THE SECOND MOVEMENT:
DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR AS A MEANS TO LITERALLY DRESS FOR SUCCESS!” Lloydellina leapt off her knees and trotted
forward, and rifled through some invisible drawers. She held up an imaginary set of clothes and
pouted. “Oh, this top is sooooooooooo cute. But I couldn’t possibly wear it today. It’s a Wednesday. If only it were Tuesday…ohhhhhhhh, but it
looks so good on me.” She pressed the
fabric across her body and sighed. “My
clothes are all so adorable -- but none of them will work for me today…for
whatever reason.”
“That is not how women
--”
“THE THIRD MOVEMENT:
GLORY OF THE FOAMY VANGUARD OF WELL-LATHERED TOOTHPASTE!” Lloydellina skipped forward and pretended to
brush her teeth, with her cotton-tailed hind quarters swaying like a
metronome. “Mrrrmrphrmrpuff! Hrmmmmgrprhagaph!” She flashed her teeth in a dazzling
smile. “Grrr! Mad dog!
And -- whoops, looks like some of that foam slipped onto my chest! What a terrible and amazing turn of events! THE
FOURTH MOVEMENT --”
Deirdre reached feebly
for Lloydellina. “H-hey, how many of
these movement things are there?”
Lloydellina turned back
toward her shadow. “Nine hundred twenty
seven. It’s the only way to be certain.”
“Of what?!”
“Of me getting the full
experience! Of the apotheosis of being,
of existence itself! Of knowing what
it’s like to have body parts at or very near the size of my head grafted
alongside my thumping heart! I must
know! AND I WILL KNOW! FOR I AM LLOYDELLINA, MISTRESS OF -- NO,
EMPRESS OF AROUSING PANTOMIME! BASK IN
THE GLORY OF A WOMAN’S DAILY ROUTINE GIVEN NEW GLORY! FOR GLORIOUS GLORY!”
“Are you joking? There’s no way in hell I’m sitting through a
thousand of these --”
“SILENCE! DO NOT DEFY YOUR EMPRESS!” Lloydellina bellowed,
now foaming at the mouth for real. “I AM
WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR! AND BY MY DIVINE
EDICT, YOU WILL KNOW THE SPLENDOR, THE VERY MAJESTY OF MY BEING! LET THE WEIGHT OF MY WORDS AND MY BLESSED
BODY BE PRESSED UPON YOUR…YOUR…your…your…”
Deirdre cocked her
head. “My…?”
Lloydellina froze in
mid-boast. And then, she slammed a fist
into her face.
“Hey! What in the hell are you thinking?!”
Lloydellina dropped to
her knees and smiled wearily. “But
that’s just it, I’m afraid. I haven’t
been thinking…or at least, I haven’t been thinking the proper thoughts.” She pressed a palm over one eye. “How shameful of me…to have been so easily
corrupted, merely by dint of newfound ownership of an illustrious form! Such dishonor I’ve welcomed into my soul!”
“You’re seriously
starting to give me a headache,” Deirdre said with a sigh. But that sigh gave way to a low chuckle, and
the shadow resumed its haughty posture.
“You know, for a boy in your situation, you sure are taking a roundabout
approach to all of this. Can’t you just
give your hands a tour of the new you and leave it at that?”
Lloydellina shook her
head slowly. “I cannot. How could I allow myself to fall prey to
baser instincts -- especially if the experience is undeniably hollow?” She stared at her palms. “I may have Miss O’Leary’s body, but none of
her experiences. Her feelings. Her pain.
As I am, I’m merely a distorted reflection -- a shallow admirer of her
body, and not her heart. How can I ever
hope to call myself a man -- or even a friend -- if this is the furthest I can go for her?”
“Who gives a crap? You’ve got her body, so what else do you
need?”
“If I’m to own this
body, I must know what it truly means to be Miss O’Leary -- and you’ve nothing
for that cause but draw me into your illusion.”
She ran a hand across the small of her back. “Not even a twinge of pain, yet you expect me
to believe that this is everything I want?”
Deirdre snorted. “So what, you want some back pain? If I give you that, then your mind really
WILL be blown.”
“I want more than
that. I want to know what her daily life
is like. What she fears. What she enjoys. What she hates. What she loves. Her hopes, her dreams, her resolve. All of it.
I won’t just be some shoddy reflection of her. By the sweat of my brow, I swear I shall
become a part of her -- or my name isn’t Lloyd B. Hoigleheimer!”
“…That’s your last name? I
feel sorry for you.”
Lloydellina -- or
rather, Lloyd -- stood up. “You needn’t
worry about me for much longer. I intend
to sally towards my lofty aims soon enough.
And the key to that is a simple one -- one that you’ve taken steps
toward giving me.” He smiled. “Your intent is to have my mind rent asunder
by the blessing you’ve given me. But
you’ve miscalculated on two fronts, ma’am.
The first is that thanks to you, at the moment we are of one mind as
well as body. If you can affect me, then
there’s no reason why I can’t affect you.”
Deirdre flinched, but
held her ground regardless. “So
what? What are you playing at, boy?”
“The second front: what
gave you the impression that I needed your help in blowing my mind?” He clamped his hands into fists. “If you won’t give me what I want,
then…” He started to bend over, with teeth
clenched and muscles tightening. “All…I
have…to do…is…imagine...for myself!”
“Ha! Think you can, boy?”
“As long…as I speak…in
staggered…dialogue…I can do…ANYTHING!”
He sucked in as much air as his lungs would allow.
“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
“Oh, having a little
scream, are you? Well, go ahead, if you
think it’ll help you focus. And as soon
as you fail, I’ll have you screaming until the end of time.”
And Lloyd did just
that.
“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
The shadow just threw
up her hands and laughed. “Just wasting
your time. Your head’s as empty as your
words; who do you think you’re trying to be, one of those --” But suddenly, her cheer gave way; the hands
she threw up in disbelief started reaching for him in panic. “H-hey!
What are you doing? Don’t -- stop
that right now! If you don’t, then
you’ll --!”
“HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
“Damn it, listen to
me! I’m telling you to STOP!”
But Lloyd didn’t
listen. He just kept screaming.
He probably should have
stopped.
--STAGE SHIFT--
TO BE HEARTINUED…
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