Expectation: Take advantage of time zone shenanigans to play as Joker in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate on April 16th, 2019
Reality: Play as Joker in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate after several failed hours of attempting to brave the total wipeout of the Nintendo eShop, coalescing into me giving up, going to sleep, getting woken up at 4:33 AM, downloading the 3.0.0 update, goofing around and getting the Persona 5 Spirits, and then going back to sleep on April 18th, 2019
Moral of the story: try to resist the urge to misappropriate the famous “hell is other people” quote when referring to any gamer who isn’t you, and simply enjoy the fact that there’s a new character in Smash.
The keyword here is “try”. But I’ll get to that.
True memes never die.
--As of writing, my brother hasn’t tried out Joker yet. I have, offline and online, as the Phantom Thief and against him. When he asked me how he feels, my response was this: “I feel like he’s the type of character that’s fun to play as, and awful to play against.” Until further notice? Yeah, I’m going to stick with that statement.
--I’ll be upfront: even though I really like the character (in his source material, in this game, and as a whole), there’s no way I’m going to stick with him for very long. Maybe I’ll grab him for a match every now and then, but the probability of him becoming my main is at or near 0%. It’s nothing personal. It’s just that he’s exactly the kind of character I thought -- and dreaded -- he’d be.
--Joker’s fast. I don’t do fast.
--The guy’s mobility is through the roof on pretty much every level. He walks and runs at a blistering pace, and his gun gives him extra movement options -- a built-in dodge, however briefly. Superficially, he reminds me of Sheik (their up-airs are nearly identical), meaning that he might as well be a ninja. Or, alternatively? He’s a rushdown character -- in your face when he wants to be, harassing with endless pressure and pinpoint positioning via his speed.
--If I had to guess, I’d say Joker has a specific game plan in mind: tack on damage with his speed and combo potential (which he almost assuredly has, based on the potential of his up-B grappling hook alone), defending as necessary with his quick footwork and Rebel’s Guard. Then when he brings out his Stand? Time to go in for the kill. I don’t know how many kill moves Joker gets once Arsene joins the party, but he has enough. Maybe more than enough, considering that -- at the very least -- his dash attack can seal the deal.
--It really says a lot about a character when I’m left saying “he’s so cool!” even if my repulsion towards his archetype is woven into my DNA. As far back as I can remember, the fastest character I’ve ever played consistently in a fighting game is Maki from Capcom vs. SNK 2. That’s it. I certainly don’t have a speedster in my pocket for Smash Ultimate -- which I’ve made peace with. I don’t have the dexterity for Joker, so I’ll just have to look at him longingly in his stories-high apartment, unaware of the rain-soaked sidewalks I tread.
--Real talk, though: Joker in his school uniform > Joker in his thief outfit. IMHO, but prove me wrong if you can.
--Not to go off on a tangent, but I’ve got to get really subjective (and irrational) here: I’m just not a fan of pure rushdown characters. Which isn’t to say Joker is one of them, but he brings up some salty memories. Like I’ve said before, fighting games are at their core akin to chess matches -- using your tools and strategies to overcome your opponent, one move at a time. Except if we’re keeping up that analogy, playing against a rushdown character means playing against someone who can get five turns for one of yours. It’s not impossible to beat, but damned if it isn’t annoying and oversimplifying the art of engagement. Of course you can get the edge if you just never let anyone else play. How could you not?
--Okay, rant over. Let’s move on to the next one.
--Pichu is the worst. I mean…just the worst.
--Okay, look. I’m a firm believer in character loyalty. I will play anyone I like in a fighting game, even if they’re scraping the bottom of the tier list (and there’s a 50-50 chance that they do). I doubt I’m the only one. So I realize that, hey, maybe everybody that’s playing Pichu glommed onto it because it’s returning triumphantly from the annals of Melee. Or maybe Pichu is their favorite Pokemon. Maybe. Maybe. But I have my doubts -- more and more of them by the day.
--I refuse to believe that there are that many Pichu fans out there. Like, out of the 70-ish characters in this game, do you really think that a huge chunk of players on Day 1 were pumping their fists and shouting “Aw, YEAH! Can’t wait to play some PICHU, baby!” No. There’s no chance. The more I play, the more Pichu players I fight against -- electric rats that are doing their best to infest the game with their galvanized plague. And, yeah, I’m sure it’s totally just a coincidence that Pichu’s at or near the top of multiple tier lists. Everybody just loves Pichu that much!
--It’s bad enough that Pichu’s fast. Worse yet that it can do stunning amounts of damage, with multiple combos and kill moves. (Even its side-tilt can kill!) Its offensive pressure is ridiculous, thanks in part to aerials that turn it into a flying hitbox that might as well suck you in for more hits. But it’s also exceedingly small, so it’s hard to nail down -- and, crucially, easy to miss with a number of your moves. Assuming you can even get close without getting clipped. The “balance” is supposed to be that it can’t take too many hits and survive, but who gives a crap about that when you can’t even hit it in the first place?
--Also, I know there’s a way to tell what its gender is, but I loathe this creature so much that I’m going to keep calling it it.
--Before I move on, I should probably back up a bit. Question: do I like Smash Ultimate? Answer: absolutely. That said, online play in it reminds me why I tend to shy away from online play in general. I’m not scared to take on any opponent, because more often than not the perceptible skill gap isn’t that large. The problem is that a lot of times, the “online warriors” give me a headache.
--So I’m going to make a pretty bold claim here: outside of the pros, a probably-not-insignificant chunk of Smash players are either insane or stupid. I’m leaning toward the former, but…I can’t think of a nice way to finish this sentence.
--What really gets to me is how much a “dominant strategy” seems to form among characters. The players behind them are all, presumably, incredibly disparate with different ages, backgrounds, and skill levels. Playing Smash makes me wonder if they’re all part of a hive mind. Captain Falcon players will fish for lucky knees or Falcon Punches, and have a high probability of killing themselves while trying to look cool. Ness/Lucas players will spam all their projectiles and run away while doing it -- especially Ness players, because PK Fire leads to guaranteed follow-ups.
--Jigglypuff players will jump at you endlessly and harass you with air normals until you’re blown off the stage -- at least until they think they can dunk on you with a Rest. Pokemon Trainer players will use Charizard’s side-B with reckless abandon. The Fire Emblem sword boys (and girl) will throw out their Dancing Blades, f-airs, and f-smashes, mostly because they’ve got the blistering attack speed to get away with it. And I’m convinced Dedede players only play Dedede so they can do his crouch and lay down to taunt.
--Speaking of taunt? Thanks, Smash Ultimate -- there’s nothing I love more than watching someone teabag with impunity. I thought we got that out of our systems with Halo, but I guess not.
--There’s an insane amount of frustration to be had while playing Smash Ultimate (hey, this is a post called “The Salt Mine Report”). The players are psycho, the characters have plenty of exploitable assets -- apparently all you need to do to become invincible with the Ice Climbers is endlessly spin with their side-B -- and on top of all that? Connections are frequently sketchy. The lag will never be as bad as Brawl, but a match that starts chugging might as well be a chainsaw that cuts down to the bone.
--Sometimes I ask myself “Why, Voltech? Why must you hurt yourself so? You know going in every time that online gameplay is full of heartache and fury, so why do you choose to suffer ever more?” Honestly, I have two answers. The first is that, like a certain son of Sparda, I need more power. I want to gain some semblance of…well, not mastery, that’s for damn sure. Competence. The ability to understand the game, and what I’m doing, and how to win with proper application of knowledge and skill.
--Inevitably, I have to struggle to fulfill my ambitions -- and struggle against foes who refuse my spirit quest -- but let me tell you: there’s only one thing that feels better than taking a foe’s three stocks before they even snatch one of mine. It’s forcing them to give up, and having them openly admit you’re the stronger fighter.
--Now would be a good time to mention that, in another world, I’m probably something very close to a villain.
--That aside, there is one other primary reason why I keep playing this game -- and indeed, every other online game with actual characters/personalities in it. It’s because I want to feel my character. To go all in with them. To stand my ground as a character loyalist, and take on any challengers. And to that end? I’m not going to stick with Joker for long…because my main is already a Stand user.
See you next time.
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