Might as well write...

…Because really, that’s as good an option as any right now.

So.  My grandma is in a hospice right now.  If you’re a visitor of this blog, I’m assuming that you’re sharp enough to know what that place is.  If not, then I’ll go ahead and put it this way: there’s a pretty good chance she isn’t coming out of there.  Miracles do happen, yes, but right now it’s not looking good.

That’s pretty much where I’ve been for the past week.  Not a pleasant experience, as you’d expect, and I have absolutely no idea how to offer any comfort to my family.  I don’t even know how to comfort myself -- or even deal with it, to be honest.  I mean, I’m okay right now, but if something happened -- if the worst-case scenario came to pass -- I don’t know how I’d react, or how I’m supposed to react.  Am I supposed to cry?  Just act tired?  Shy away from everything and everyone?  Or maybe just go through those “stages of grief” I’ve heard about?

I don’t know.  And it’s likely that if/when it happens, I still won’t know.  I suspect that there will be some tears eventually, and it’s very likely that I’m not going to want to do anything for a while.  But it’s not like I’m not prepared for this.  I admit that I’ve been pretty lucky in life in that I’ve only had a few brushes with family losses, and while that makes what comes next all the more unpredictable, I feel like I’m…well, for lack of a better term, “mentally prepared” for whatever comes next.  Cold as it may sound, I can’t say I didn’t see this coming.  My grandma hasn’t been able to walk for years, her hands are extremely stiff, her muscles by and large have either atrophied or hardened, her bones are incredibly fragile, and she’s been calling me “Richard” for the better part of a decade.  And on top of all of that, she’s a few years shy of a hundred.  Really, how much time is left?

I don’t know what happens next.  I don’t know what’ll happen to my grandma, my family, or me, and certainly not when it’ll happen.    I’d assume that I’m going to end up slipping out again, either physically, mentally, or both if something happens.  But until then -- and even past that -- I’m going to do what I can.  I’ll just keep on writing.

I don’t feel like giving in to grief or despair.  Not now.  Not ever.  I’ll deal with those feelings as they come -- but even when they do, I don’t want to stop everything.  There are things that I want to do, and need to do.  I want more content coming steadily to Cross-Up.  I want to be able to see the work done by both followers and fellow bloggers.  I want to wrap up several projects and get them out in the open.  I want to take on tasks large and small to build my presence, and build my virtual space.  I want to keep moving.  I want to become a writing hero -- now more than ever.  Can’t stop, won’t stop.  There’s work to be done, and a battle to be won.

I’m not just saying this so I can have people marvel at me.  In fact, a part of me thinks that this is the most inappropriate place to mention my feelings, given past content.  But I figured that I owed the people who read this blog -- occasional visitors, followers, and even friends -- the truth.  The first step toward building a bond is establishing a common ground, right?  So I should try to provide.

And that’s where I stand right about now.  No telling what’s going to happen and when, but rest assured I’ll be okay.  Am I just trying to shove my feelings aside?  Maybe.  Over-rationalizing to build up a wall?  Maybe.  Likely, even.  But I’m no crazier now than when I started this blog, and I think I’ve got a good enough head on my shoulders to keep it together for a while yet.  There’s been some grim stuff over the past week for my family, but even then we’ve all managed to move on and keep our heads held high.  Ignoring the fact that I’ve been able to laugh at my brother’s jokes, rage at my DS, cheer at the sight of a certain towel-praising narrative, and make some genuine writing progress, just last night I had a dream about teaming up with Dog the Bounty Hunter, JonTron, and JP from I Hraet You to bust open an illegal pig-milking operation, and I ended up going toe-to-toe with a knife-slinging Japanese schoolgirl.  If my mind was going to fall apart on me, I think it would have already.

And where does that leave the blog?  In a good place, I think.  I need a little bit of time to get back in the swing of things, but I’ve got some content I’m hoping to get uploaded soon enough.  Some miscellaneous topics will be up first, but very soon I hope to get up Let’s Discuss posts on both Xenoblade Chronicles AND BioShock: Infinite (though maybe not in that order).  And maybe I’ll finally get around to making another addition to The Manly Song Repository.  I still have a list of songs I need to attend to, after all.

So…yeah.  Things are going to be interesting for a while.  Maybe good.  Maybe bad.  I’ll just have to see how it goes -- and keep moving forward from there.

And that'll do it for now.  See you guys around.  And...thanks.

Oh, one more thing.  I got my hair cut recently.  Now I can pass a regular brush through it, but the downside is that I look so generic now...