That’s pretty much
where I’ve been for the past week. Not a
pleasant experience, as you’d expect, and I have absolutely no idea how to
offer any comfort to my family. I don’t
even know how to comfort myself -- or even deal with it, to be honest. I mean, I’m okay right now, but if something
happened -- if the worst-case scenario came to pass -- I don’t know how I’d
react, or how I’m supposed to react. Am
I supposed to cry? Just act tired? Shy away from everything and everyone? Or maybe just go through those “stages of
grief” I’ve heard about?
I don’t know. And it’s likely that if/when it happens, I
still won’t know. I suspect that there
will be some tears eventually, and it’s very likely that I’m not going to want
to do anything for a while. But it’s not
like I’m not prepared for this. I admit
that I’ve been pretty lucky in life in that I’ve only had a few brushes with family
losses, and while that makes what comes next all the more unpredictable, I feel
like I’m…well, for lack of a better term, “mentally prepared” for whatever
comes next. Cold as it may sound, I
can’t say I didn’t see this coming. My
grandma hasn’t been able to walk for years, her hands are extremely stiff, her
muscles by and large have either atrophied or hardened, her bones are
incredibly fragile, and she’s been calling me “Richard” for the better part of
a decade. And on top of all of that,
she’s a few years shy of a hundred.
Really, how much time is left?
I don’t know what
happens next. I don’t know what’ll
happen to my grandma, my family, or me, and certainly not when it’ll
happen. I’d assume that I’m going to
end up slipping out again, either physically, mentally, or both if something
happens. But until then -- and even past
that -- I’m going to do what I can. I’ll
just keep on writing.
I don’t feel like
giving in to grief or despair. Not
now. Not ever. I’ll deal with those feelings as they come --
but even when they do, I don’t want to stop everything. There are things that I want to do, and need
to do. I want more content coming
steadily to Cross-Up. I want to be able
to see the work done by both followers and fellow bloggers. I want to wrap up several projects and get
them out in the open. I want to take on
tasks large and small to build my presence, and build my virtual space. I want to keep moving. I want to become a writing hero -- now more
than ever. Can’t stop, won’t stop. There’s work to be done, and a battle to be
won.
I’m not just saying
this so I can have people marvel at me.
In fact, a part of me thinks that this is the most inappropriate place
to mention my feelings, given past content.
But I figured that I owed the people who read this blog -- occasional
visitors, followers, and even friends -- the truth. The first step toward building a bond is
establishing a common ground, right? So
I should try to provide.
And that’s where I
stand right about now. No telling what’s
going to happen and when, but rest assured I’ll be okay. Am I just trying to shove my feelings
aside? Maybe. Over-rationalizing to build up a wall? Maybe.
Likely, even. But I’m no crazier
now than when I started this blog, and I think I’ve got a good enough head on
my shoulders to keep it together for a while yet. There’s been some grim stuff over the past
week for my family, but even then we’ve all managed to move on and keep our
heads held high. Ignoring the fact that
I’ve been able to laugh at my brother’s jokes, rage at my DS, cheer at the
sight of a certain towel-praising narrative, and make some genuine writing
progress, just last night I had a dream about teaming up with Dog the Bounty
Hunter, JonTron, and JP from I Hraet You to
bust open an illegal pig-milking operation, and I ended up going toe-to-toe
with a knife-slinging Japanese schoolgirl.
If my mind was going to fall apart on me, I think it would have already.
And where does that
leave the blog? In a good place, I
think. I need a little bit of time to
get back in the swing of things, but I’ve got some content I’m hoping to get
uploaded soon enough. Some miscellaneous
topics will be up first, but very soon I hope to get up Let’s Discuss posts on
both Xenoblade Chronicles AND BioShock: Infinite (though maybe not in
that order). And maybe I’ll finally get
around to making another addition to The Manly Song Repository. I still have a list of songs I need to attend
to, after all.
So…yeah. Things are going to be interesting for a
while. Maybe good. Maybe bad.
I’ll just have to see how it goes -- and keep moving forward from there.
And that'll do it for now. See you guys around. And...thanks.
Oh, one more thing. I got my hair cut recently. Now I can pass a regular brush through it, but the downside is that I look so generic now...