Upon my usual return
from school
Where academia doth justly
rule
My ears did soon detect
the sound
Of bleeps and bloops so
great abound.
My interest was soon greatly
piqued
So through the hall I
did sneak
To investigate the hidden
source
And let my searching
run its course.
I firmly grasped the wooden
door
Whilst my dogs barked
ever more;
The notes that I did rapidly
hear
“What ho? What sorcery is this?
Surely this can give no
bliss!
My clan’s halls hath
been defiled
By chicanery and knavish
guile!
Not of the
blonde-haired, sonic-booming sort
But one with vile,
cruel cohorts
Who dare to sabotage
and siege
My Xbox 360’s
prestige!”
I quickly swung the
door so wide
That mine howling hounds
did hide
And what else should I
find
But the fearsome Mega Man 9?
“Good morrow, brother!”
cheered my kin.
“Take note, for soon
comes my win!
My conquest of this fabled game
Shall bring me endless pride
and fame!”
My eyes traversed the HD
screen
And observed a distinct
eight-bit sheen
Many squares did I doth
see
And lo! Ethereal beauty!
As I did take my seat
Dearest brother met
defeat
A field of spikes soon
stole his life
And filled thy heart
with endless strife.
“Woe to me, and my
busted friend!
I reject this pitiful
end!
I shall not be blithely
spurned –
By my honor, I shall
return!”
His fury on the rise
Clawing well into the
skies
He braved a nostalgic 2D
hell
Deaf to his most recent
death knell.
A million robots in his
path
To carve a heartless
epitaph
And pits that scraped
the planet’s core
That the bomber falls
forever more.
O wretched spikes that
bloom so free
Why must you always
torture we
The players, men and
women of faith
Who routinely brave the
calls of wraiths?
So many foes felled by the
fists
Of my clansman’s
avatars, and the gentlest twists
Of fingers, hard by years
of pain
That they may succeed,
again and again?
Ten thousand and one
battles, to wit
Yet this simple game
made him a twit
So swiftly falling to
wily traps
His rage, unbound,
rending all wraps.
“Poor Brother!” I wailed, tear in my eye
But he merely scoffed,
and loosed a sigh.
“No matter. But I wish to win
So I shall duel a foe
with a Shoryuken!”
As he traveled to the
flame-filled field
In my mind, a thought
congealed
One day soon, I would
face Light’s foes
Provoking a
nightmarishly loud “Oh noes!”
As I entered my chamber
late that night
(To the chorus of a
Tiger Shot blight)
My mind did wander into
wonder
About my coming
platform blunders.
My own conquests, a meager
bunch
For my lack of skill
affected a crunch
Of my avatar, from a
fatal fall
A delay to action, any
and all.
If I could die, then
the fates would sing
And no more lives their
song would bring
“By the gods,” my soul
would claim
Yet deep down I knew I
was to blame.
Mayhap this was my own
undoing?
My careless words set
this horror a-brewing
A referral to that mega
man
Of which my brother was
once a fan.
“A challenge, you say?”
one fateful morn
I mused over some bread
of corn.
“Then I do declare – if
you have the time –
Perhaps you’d enjoy Mega Man 9!”
“What rubbish is it of
which you speak?
No time! I have a Death Knight to tweak!”
He folded his arms, and
thine lips he did pout.
“I have no time to be
leaping about!”
“But surely ye can see
the allure
Of classic gameplay;
you’ve matured
Into a player of such
high standing;
How can ye resist
arm-cannon commanding?”
He slammed a hand on
our round table
His irritant mood
growing more unstable.
“Enough!” he
cried. “I shall hear no more!
I shan’t waste money on
a pixel-rife bore!”
With those words, the
door did close
And my kinsman’s wishes
I did not oppose
Against the praise of
reviewers worldwide
Their soaring scores,
they refused to hide.
Yet the game, he did
not despise
(“He’s always this way,”
I dared surmise);
The ebb of time did
soothe his thoughts
And over the months
anguish he fought.
How could he turn down
a duel
‘Gainst spikes so
lethal, and villains cruel?
To refute honors on
GameFAQs
Of which my clansman so
oft perused?
Why he did not wait, I
do not know
For the tenth chapter
would soon show
Its sprite-filled face,
in a week was due
With dreaded Sheep Man
and his crew.
Tut, tut! No matter; the deed is done
If ideals hold true, he
shall have his fun
To struggle against the
Wily clan
And foil said dastard’s
evil plan.
Yet no Masters did he
run on through
With Buster Shots, or
powers new;
He saw his nights so
better spent
With making online scrubs
repent.
That fated day, the
task was mine
To crush the robotic
bloodline
I swallowed hard, and
steeled my nerves –
And almost cried, if
mem’ry serves.
No matter the foe, my
fate seemed certain –
My life would end just
as the curtain
Rose on my career, and
certain doom
By malicious fingers
ever loomed.
Nevertheless, I chose
my path
Smiling despite the
coming wrath
Like a madman lost
without a plan
I nodded, and chose
Tornado Man.
A catchy tune graced my
ears
And for but a moment
eased my fears;
As I missed my first
few jumps
My hands did tremble,
and my heart did thump.
Enemies swayed to and
fro
As I delivered the
killing blow
Plowing into my blue-garbed
proxy
(Though I must admit,
they had some moxie!).
A devious trial lay
ahead
With one wrong move
that would leave me dead:
A twisting platform;
with one step missed
I would tumble into the
abyss.
I did my best to hold
my footing
Yet the platform’s
speed proved quite off-putting
And no sooner had I
carved a win
Did I hath do it yet
again.
“Be still, my fingers!”
I whispered oft.
“By mashing A, I’ll
stay aloft!”
Yet my quick scheme
bore no fruit;
My bomber fell – his
life followed suit.
The madness repeated,
three times anon
Hopes of winning, in a
flash, were gone.
Pits, platforms, and
spikes abound!
How could I brave them
and still stay sound?
Profound sadness
consumed my heart
And from this game I
dared depart
For Mass Effect, I’d yet to beat
But nay! A Master, I’ll first defeat!
My nerves ablaze with
fiery will
I steeled my heart; I’d
not go till
A boss I’d downed by my
own hand
So I smiled – and chose
Concrete Man.
“What luck!” I cheered with righteous glee.
“The easiest level,
this must be!
To traverse these
sewers, and come out clean
And prove I am a
killing machine!”
Robots with stones
dropped death from above;
We traded blows, like
foes in love
And when I came to an
endless gap
I haughtily assumed
there was no trap.
What foolishness! What naïveté!
Sentries emerged, and
tried to flay
The azure sentinel;
despite his aim
He fell to his death –
the end of the game.
My spirits dropped in a
thunderous flash
And plowed through Hell
with a resounding crash
But no! Not yet!
I am no git!
I refused to be pwned
by a mass of bits!
I focused my mind on
the task just ahead
Mem’rized their flight
patterns and soon shot them dead
Traversing those gaps,
foul bots I did best
But be on your
guard! Here comes a true test!
Green elephant droids,
obstructing my path
Launching spheres of
immeasurable wrath!
Pits and vacuum in combination
A surefire way to
ensure my damnation!
My head did droop like
a wilting carnation
Thwarted by Capcom’s heartless
machination!
No more chicanery! No devilish tricks!
I’ll not have a game
gain its accursed kicks!
Desperate but driven, I
chose on a whim
That no matter the
level, my fate was quite grim
And regarding that truth,
I could do no wrong
And thus comes the most
painful part of this song.
“Galaxy Man? You fool!” my brother blared.
“If ye want victory,
you’re in for a scare!”
I shook off his words;
my luck had run out
It mattered not where I
went jumping about.
The trials within
seemed paltry at best
(Compared to deep pits
and elephant fests!)
A quickly dodged bot, a
quick-warping tube –
A rather nice run for a
Mega Man noob.
Though my lives
dwindled, and my health bar depleted
I had made my stand –
“I shan’t be defeated!”
I passed through the
doors to the big boss’ hollow
But the ensuing battle
proved too hard to swallow.
The fast-flying boss
zipped out of my line
Of fire from those
rapid-fire pellets of mine.
His black hole, a
nuisance, near-sucked me in
But I braved space-time
flux for the sake of the win.
I fired my shot when
the boss seemed his weakest
But – of course! – my
offense was meekest
Barely a bar gone with
each quick attack
And a fifth of mine
gone with a painful crack.
Invincible frames,
shielding him from my shots
Making any brief chance
all for pure naught.
A tackle attack too
fast for my mind
By the time I’d
prepared, he’d left me behind.
At worst, my life force
was quickly devoured
And my once hardy
spirit soon crumbled and soured.
At best – a fact that
still fills me with strife –
I could take only half
of Galaxy Man’s life.
I retired to my
quarters a beaten man
Who despite his will or
most daring of plans
Could not prove his
worth to a beeping machine
Too callous! Too cruel!
And much too extreme!
As the moon made its
rounds I settled in bed
The mem’ry of failure
still adrift in my head.
On that day I’d not
beaten a boss
And to this day the
data merely gathers moss.
My hopes were misplaced
– to believe I could win!
No doubt I’m more
suited to guzzling gin.
The Olympian challenge
reaches much too high
Those who dare mount it
are destined to cry.
Yet why does this game
invade our hearts so?
Despite shattered pride
and 360 pads thrown?
Could Chronos, time’s
lord, play with our minds
And make our hearts
lust for what’s been left behind?
Despite my sound
trouncing, I bear no ill will
(I’d much rather blame
my complete lack of skill);
Painful? But of course! Few games can do better
To break a man’s heart
whilst staying unfettered.
The pain we endure –
aye, this is the key
What sort of buffoon
would prefer pure safety?
In the depths of
despair, where there is no light
To come out still
smiling – that’s this game’s great might!
And for those with the
skill, and wisdom so true
Victory shall come to
the bomber in blue
To succeed the odds, no
taste can be greater
A triumphant fanfare,
for thy sleight of hand later!
Who knows what will
happen? The future, unknown
But my ballad, I hope,
to your mind’s eye hath shown
Fate shall command me
to play that game again?
And who knows? Perhaps I’ll BEAT Mega Man 10!*
(...I didn't beat Mega Man 10. But I did beat Mega Man X6. Great success!)
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