That Time I Tried Getting into Sword Art Online

I mean, granted, I didn’t try very hard.  But there was an attempt.

Re: RE: Pokémon Sword and Shield

Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo boy.

All right, look.  I know I implied last time that I would use this slot to gripe about Gundam Build Divers Re:Rise, but then I played through some more Pokémon Sword.  How much more?  Enough to clear the main story, and get within inches of clearing the “postgame” …and probably would have if the game hadn’t experienced a fatal error and crashed to the home screen, prompting a rage quit/decision to wash dishes/continue watching Parks and Recreation.  Speaking of, I’m super into Parks and Rec now.  I regret not watching it when it was on-air, but blame my TV and its utter inability to properly tune to NBC.  Certainly not me.

I’m at risk of losing the plot.  So let’s talk about Pokémon Sword.

RE: Death Stranding

Death Stranding is the kind of game that’ll make you question what a game can, if not should, be.  

The problem is that, if you’re anything like me, then you’ll be asking that question for all the wrong reasons.

Kingdom Hearts III: A Very Special Post

So I had to put my dog to sleep, and it got me thinking about Kingdom Hearts III.  As it should.

Kingdom Hearts Voltimania: Dream Drop Distance (Part 2)

Before I do anything else, I’m going to say some nice things about the story in Kingdom Hearts: Dream Drop Distance.  Because despite everything else in summation rivaling a Class 5 Shitstorm, there are some nice things I can say.  And I can’t let this post get too negative.

Before that, though, let’s have another wrestler theme.  Who have we got today?  Hmmmmmmmmmmm…

Final Fantasy: All the Bumblers

Hmm.  Let’s see.  I could do another relevant, incisive, and heartfelt post on politics.  Or, alternatively, I could dump all over a franchise that’s way too easy to make fun of, yet draws my eye and ire every time because of a worthless vendetta I have against one of gaming’s most beloved brands.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.  Tough choice.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Oh, wait.  It’s not a tough choice at all.  Gather around, children, for today is a glorious day.  Come, take a seat around the campfire as Grandpappy Voltech blathers on about Final Fantasy.  Again.  Because it’s what you crave, presumably.

Kingdom Hearts makes me sad and mad.

Okay, so I know I already did a couple of posts a few months back explaining that I still like Kingdom Hearts despite everything.  I mostly stand by what I said back then.  But, well, that was months ago.  This is now.  So let’s get into it again.

*sigh* Friggin’ Squeenix, man.

RE: Naruto to Boruto: Shinobi Striker

You know every so often I’ll mention that my brother was the inspiration was behind a post?  This is more than one of those times.  This is peak “thank my brother for this post”. We’ve entered maximum broverdrive here.

Strap in.  This is Naruto to Boruto: Shinobi Striker.

On Kingdom Hearts and Planning Ahead

For the record: yes, I know that there’s new footage of Kingdom Hearts III, yes, I’ve seen it, and yes, I think it’s good.  I thought about doing a post on it immediately, but there was something else I wanted to toss up first.  Also, I don’t want this to become a Kingdom Hearts blog, even though it’s pretty much going to once I start uploading the content from 2.8.

Then again, I’m putting Kingdom Hearts in the title because I have a hunch nobody will read or care about this unless I do so.  Given that?  Have a taste of the ultimate clickbait.

…Featuring [REDACTED] from the Kingdom Hearts series.

I Still Like Kingdom Hearts, Despite Everything (Part 1)

Alternate post title: I Still Like Kingdom Hearts, Despite Itself.

…Part 1.

Xenoblade Chronicles 2: A Very Special Post (Part 2)

I don’t normally do this, but in this case I have to come out swinging at the outset: Nia is the “best girl” in Xenoblade Chronicles 2.  No contest.

No.  Listen.  Shut up.  Listen.  It’s not even a contest.  I don’t care what the other characters are like.  I don’t care that there are Blades with less clothes or bigger chests.  None of that shit matters.  Nia is the best girl.  And I guess it’s up to me to explain why.

And I guess that’ll maybe -- just maybe -- help explain why Xenoblade Chronicles 2 let me down in the biggest way possible.  In a way I never even imagined was possible.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIyah.  SPOILERS INCOMING.

What Should We Do About EA?

Well, I was going to do another post on Sonic the Hedgehog, but it feels like that’s slightly inappropriate right now.  I appreciate the irony of the situation, though; who would have guessed that the company with exclusive rights to the Star Wars franchise (for now) would willingly and eagerly become the villainous empire the canon’s heroes have clashed with for decades? 

I mean, besides everyone.  Because this is EA we’re talking about.  But at least now, it seems like every gamer on the planet is giving Electronic Arts -- an increasingly ill-fitting name -- dirty looks and glares fierce enough to pierce through a steel wall.

So.  Let’s talk about EA.  And not Sonic, unfortunately.

Let’s “discuss” Sonic Forces.

When I was nine years old, my mom got me an electronic thesaurus/dictionary to help me with my homework.  See, my third grade class tossed out tons of vocabulary assignments week after week; since we didn’t have a good computer or internet connection at the time -- and I wonder if dictionary.com was even a thing -- my mom got it for me one Christmas to slash homework time down to a fraction.  It worked, and it continued to work for years afterward.  I’ve actually still got it within a foot of me as I type this; it needs batteries, and I suspect the display is busted, but it makes for a good memento.

I’ve always had this theory that whatever you had or did as a child would decide what you’d do in the future.  I’m pretty sure that theory’s been debunked, but I think back to that from time to time.  If I hadn’t gotten that thesaurus as a snot-nosed baby afro, would I have ever wanted to become a writer?  Probably, given that stories helped inspire me, not just tech.  Either way, I’d think that having that gadget around pushed me toward developing stronger diction.  Toward choosing the right word for the task.  Toward saying what needs to be said.

What does any of that have to do with Sonic Forces?  It’s simple.  I don’t need any gadgets or reference materials to give my thoughts.  I can sum up the game in one word.  And unfortunately, that word is flaccid.

Let’s discuss Marvel vs. Capcom: Infinite (Part 3).

Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

All right, we can get through this.  It’ll be fine.

Let’s talk about Marvel vs. Capcom: Infinite and its story mode -- because there’s a lot to UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH I DON’T WANNA DO THIS.

Okay, let’s do this.  (For the third time, I guess.)

Let’s discuss Marvel vs. Capcom: Infinite (Part 2).

I feel like I can start and end this post with a picture of Chun-Li’s face.

Okay, sure, I know that Marvel vs. Capcom: Infinite released a patch on day one that saved her and others from looking the way they did during their E3 debut.  But the damage has been done.  For starters, it’s not hard to find images that show how they used to look -- what Capcom was willing to think of as acceptable to put on store shelves, if not for a maelstrom of complaints.  More importantly?  Not everybody is entrenched in fighting game news, which means that plenty of people probably never heard or saw that Chun got some emergency repairs.  So the assumption, then, is likely that Infinite was and still is an ugly game.

I said a long time ago that I’m mostly all right with the aesthetic of the game.  I’d like a more stylish and colorful look, but I assumed that it was a creative choice to have Infinite look the way it does.  I supported it, on the condition that Capcom tweaked and polished it.  The condition has not been met.  Chun and Dante look better than they did, sure, but neither of them are what I’d call good-looking.  And as a friendly reminder: I’m a guy that doesn’t care about sheer graphical power.  One of my favorite gaming peripherals ever is the original DS, and at best it was only a step or two above the N64.  But the DS compensated not only with strong gameplay, but also fine-tuned art direction and style.  There are ways to get around a lack of power, which helps explain how and why it trounced the PSP.

To be clear: Infinite has other problems besides visuals.  But we have to start somewhere (again), so we might as well focus on that.

Let’s discuss Marvel vs. Capcom: Infinite (Part 1).

*stares at box art*

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…

…

…Short answer: yeah, it’s good.

Less short answer: yeah, it’s good, but.

Valkyria Revolution: It’s So Bad (Part 3)

So I have a question to start off: why do things suck?

By “things” I mean, of course, products in the media and entertainment industries.  Movies, TV shows, books, music, video games -- all of that and more.  One would think, or at least hope, that if a product is allowed to grace store shelves (physical or digital), then it should be good enough to merit that.  The gatekeepers on all walks of entertainment should, in theory, do their jobs and keep the trash from becoming available for purchase.  Right?

But even if we overlook the business aspect of the equation, there’s still the creative input and vision that goes behind the stuff that sucks.  As of this post, it’s 2017.  Media consumption is easier than it’s ever been thanks to various technological advents -- and it’ll only get easier from here.  Creators and audiences alike should have an idea by now of what works and what doesn’t.  What’s good and what’s bad.  What’s appreciable and what’s unacceptable.  Audiences should be able -- if not willing -- to call out fouls in a product.  But they shouldn’t have to reach that point in the first place, because good content creators should have the skill to avoid some of their respective media’s worst vices.

That’s how it should be.  Except it isn’t.  Valkyria Revolution is proof of that.

*sigh* Let’s talk about the main character.

Valkyria Revolution: It’s So Bad (Part 2)

Oh God, I can feel a migraine coming on already.

*sigh* Let’s just grit our teeth and power through this.  Okay?

Okay.  So the last post dealt primarily with the gameplay of Valkyria Revolution -- and true to this series’ title, it’s bad.  Stunningly bad.  As I said, not a single choice made was the right one.  Combat is slow, strategy is nonexistent, AI is worthless; the list goes on and on.  (Boy that upgrade system is borked.)  It’s unpleasant from start to finish.  At least, I assume that’s the case -- because I tapped out after seven hours with the game, and didn’t even make it to the halfway point according to the built-in table of contents.  I’m not too broken up about it, because that means I get to put more time into learning some new fighting game characters.  (Why didn’t anyone tell me Dizzy was so cool?)

I can still think of a few questions that need asking and answering, though.  Since this is a video game we’re talking about, gameplay is king.  Well, I assume as much among the general gaming populace.  Can good gameplay compensate for a bad story?  Essentially.  Tekken 7’s story is not great, but I don’t begrudge it when it lets me land a juggle combo into a Rage Art.  Can a good story save a bad game?  Possibly.  That answer will vary between people and games, especially depending on the length.  But as far as I’m concerned, there’s one ironclad rule at play here: you can’t have a game with both bad gameplay AND a bad story.

And guess which game does?

Valkyria Revolution: It’s So Bad (Part 1)

Even though I’m making a casual reference to the ill-fated Power Glove, don’t get the wrong idea.  I have no love for Valkyria Revolution.  It’s a bad game, and you should do what you can to avoid it.  In fact, my biggest take away from it is that I should go back and play Valkyria Chronicles 1.  I just might when all’s said and done.

With that said?  Valkyria Revolution isn’t just bad.  It’s fascinatingly bad.  And I guess it’s up to me to explain why.

I feel really bad for Capcom right now.

*sigh*

You know what, though?  I feel like I’ve got no one to blame but myself.