Watch Dogs (feat. Kamen Rider W)

Let me say this to start: this post is, at a bare minimum, eight months old.

Like, I’d written pretty much everything a while back.  But for one reason or another, other posts took priority.  I’d blame a single game for it, but I think for now I’ll just take the high ground and point fingers at the better part of reality itself.  So at some point I just decided to have it go up on a certain date.

“Hey, you know what?” I asked myself.  “You’re coming up on the one-year anniversary of your very first post on Watch Dogs, AKA the game you consider the worst western-developed game you’ve ever played.  Why not celebrate sheer mediocrity and unacceptably-poor design by offsetting it with your not-at-all-secret Kamen Rider propagandist agenda?”

So here we are.  And here we shall be, until the world knows just how miserable of a game Watch Dogs is -- and that we must never forget what Ubisoft hath wrought.  But on the plus side?  Guys in big dumb monster suits.  And armored suits.  Just suits all over the damn place.

2014: The Best Year Ever

No, really.

No, really.

No, really.

Revenge is Boring

Yep.  Taking a hard stance on this one -- because I’m convinced that contrary to popular belief, it’s not a dish best served cold.  Or at all.  But let me back up a little.

My friend and I both gave my brother trouble over Middle-Earth: Shadows of Mordor because it just looked like a knockoff Assassin’s Creed.  Licensed game garbage, and little else.  But considering the majority of the reviews and reactions, it looks like the two of us were wrong -- and if nothing else, my bro’s been having a hell of a time with it.  So yeah, I guess I can’t help but offer up my blessing to those that enjoy it, and the game itself.  To an extent.

I’ll concede that the gameplay and the Nemesis system are (apparently) amazing, but there’s more to it than that.  The question that was on my mind for a while was “All right, so how’s the story?”  And the answer I’ve gotten, more or less, is “awful”.  You play as some guy whose wife and child get killed, and he strikes out with newfound ghost powers to exact his revenge on those that wronged him, leaving a trail of bodies in hizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…

Watch Dogs, Revised

I would ask “what’s wrong with Ubisoft”, but that would imply that A) there was nothing wrong with them to begin with, and B) that their problems were all that different -- i.e. inlaid -- with the triple-A industry at large.

I almost feel bad about piling on the hate.  I mean, I’m pretty sure that by now you all know how I feel about Watch Dogs, and that’s a strike against the company if there ever was one.  And plenty of others have felt a similar sting, what with THE “first step into the next generation of gaming” being more like a drunken shamble across an oiled-up floor covered in marbles. 

That’s bad enough in its own right, but then people discover that the PC version has what’s effectively a switch to change the game back into its E3 super-mega-graphics mode because…hey, it’s not like people have ever poked around game data before, right?  And beyond that, there’s still the whole fiasco where nobody knows what’s going on with Ubi, the newest Assassin’s Creed, and its refusal to portray women in games.  (I’m staying out of the conversation, but I will say that “adding female characters” should have been part of the plan the SECOND they said “Okay, let’s start the new game”.)

But I’m not here to rail on Ubisoft, because people have done that elsewhere, and done it better.  This is Cross-Up, and as long as the subject isn’t Final Fantasy 13, it’s a happy place.  So let’s keep it that way.

Let’s do something constructive.  But first…

What Earns Your Brand Loyalty?

 So, how’s everybody enjoying Ultra Street Fighter 4?

I wasn’t exactly counting down the seconds over its release, but when I first gave it a whirl, I couldn’t help but get swept up into its pace.  Okay, sure, there are only five new characters (four of whom, along with the latest stages, are just carry-overs from the ill-fated Street Fighter X Tekken), but just being able to play as Poison -- don’t judge me -- in a new setting made that first session with the update surprisingly exciting.  We’ll see how long that excitement lasts, but as it stands?  I’m glad that Street Fighter 4: The T. Hawk Is Actually Kinda Good Edition is in our midst.

Though I suppose Capcom has kind of forced gamers’ hands with this one, especially those in the fighting game community.  They pretty much HAD to get the update, because if they didn’t, they’d get locked out of the competitive scene.  And the same applies to more leisurely players like me; anyone who wants to blow off some steam (or build it) online has to buy in or get locked out.  It’s a dirty trick, but I guess we’ve got no choice but to deal.  And we will deal, because even if these constant “new additions” are a pain in the ass to keep up with, the core game has always been worth it.  Worth our time and respect.

Which brings us to the question of the day…however circuitously.  As is my standard.

The Problem with Watch Dogs (Part 3 -- FINALE)

So.  Have you seen the new Godzilla movie?

I haven’t.  Plans were being made at one point, but they fell through when time ran out (i.e. we would rather play video games).  Just as well, though; I wasn’t in any rush to see it, because it would have meant I’d have to take time out to do at least one post on it…not to mention that I’d have to sit through it.  And the MovieBob review -- among others -- told me pretty much everything I dreaded would happen: 1) Godzilla is almost (not quite, but almost) marginalized in his own movie, 2) Bryan Cranston isn’t in it as much as trailers and promos would suggest, and 3) the story follows some generic soldier with a generic story instead of anyone interesting.  Like Ken Watanabe’s character, for one.

Maybe I would have cared about the movie more if I hadn’t seen the trailer -- or had thought it was “amazing”, since that was apparently enough to get plenty of people hyped.  But I guess that trailer, and the movie at large, offered more than enough.  It must have, seeing as how it’s become a runaway hit, and there are already mumblings of a sequel.  So if people are happy, then maybe that’s good enough. 

But maybe it isn’t.

Which brings me back to Watch Dogs.

The Problem with Watch Dogs (Part 2)

You know, sometimes I wonder if I should just give up video games.

I wonder, but I never get that far -- never past that threshold.  That’s because there are still a lot of good games out there.  Metal Gear Rising.  BioShock Infinite.  GTA5.  The Wonderful 101.  Transistor.  Tokyo Jungle. Mario 3D World.  Dark Souls and its kin.  And most recently, Mario Kart 8.  So it’s not a matter of apocalyptic mumbling, or some assumption that the video game industry is doomed.  There are good games out right now, good games that have come out semi-recently, and good games that are destined to see release before year’s end.  There is absolutely no reason to give in to doomsaying and gloom.

That all said, there is a distinction.  There is something that I have no problem giving up -- and that’s bad video games.  Sounds simple enough, sure.  Nobody wants to waste their time with a bad game, least of all me; suffering through a stinker just reminds me how much more writing I could get done instead, and how much more fun I could have had typing out my yarns.  But recently, it seems like my instincts have gotten sharper.  For one reason or another, I’ve gotten better at suspecting trouble in games before they even hit the shelves.  So I guess from now on, it’s going to be a matter of trusting them instead of wasting my time trying to give those stinkers “a fair shake”. 

Is there a chance that I could be turning my back on a “great game, great experience”?  Yes.  But there’s also the chance that I could be 100% right.  That even if reviews give a game no less than a 7 (itself the “danger zone” of review scores), that’s no guarantee of its quality or even close to a good time.

And there’s no other game that proves that -- that tells me to cast judgment long beforehand -- better than Watch Dogs.

The Problem with Watch Dogs (Part 1)

Here’s everything you need to know about how I feel about Watch Dogs in one go.

At the end of my first session with the game I ended up jumping onto a freeway so I could get a car and head to the next mission.  I ran around for a little while, taking in the sights and fiddling with the in-game phone/magic wand to try and hack things in the environment.  I didn’t expect to find anything worth doing, but to my surprise I found a sign that I could hack.  So I hit the Square button, and it changed before my eyes.  So instead of offering some useful information, it changed to a simple message:

“U MAD, BRO?”

I sat there and stared at the screen for half a minute.  And then I threw the controller aside, turned off the console, and went to eat some hot dogs.

So yeah.  I would tell you that the bar is set pretty low, but I’m not the best judge.  That would require me to find the bar first, and last I checked it was hurtling toward the center of the earth.

Lightning Returns: One Final Battle

I don’t think I’ve had an existential crisis this bad since I watched Transformers: Dark of the Moon and legitimately wanted to bash my head against something until everything went black. 

Just thought I’d throw that out there to set the tone.