I’ll get straight to the
point: I don’t like horror movies.
I feel like it’s a
genre that has a lot of faults by nature (though there are exceptions, I’d
assume). You know what I’m getting at --
the jump scares, the use of gore rather than actual horror, the
almost-supernatural ability to include some bare breasts at any juncture, the
situations predicated by stupidity…and most of all, how so much of so many
horror movies is just a progression from one kill to the next. It all turns into a slog; a nigh-invincible
monster has his way with scores of mostly-attractive people, only to lose out
at the very end…OR DOES HE OMGWTHLOL HE’S STILL ALIVE ROLL CREDITS!
As I’ve explained
before, I don’t hate horror movies because they’re scary or gory; I hate them
because they’re stupid. But time and
time again, I end up sitting in front of the TV with my brother and my buddy,
sitting through what should ostensibly be a tense, paranoia-inducing creep
show, only to realize how bored I am the whole way through. And that’s assuming that I don’t go into
Nitpick Mode -- something I’m more likely to do if I’m not being entertained,
or there are some grievous gaps in
logic, or it just drags on and on and on because, oh no guys, here comes the
chainsaw-meister!
So after watching a
pair of horror movies with my pals last night, I was about ready to swear off
horror movies for the rest of my life.
If they found one on TV, I’d raise an objection and say, “Nope. Change the channel; we’re not watching this.” But that’s not fair. Not fair at all. I know -- I KNOW there are good horror movies
out there. I know there’s a reason
people keep making these things.
And that’s where you
come in, fair reader.
I’m issuing an APB -- a
call to arms -- for some good horror movies.
Name one in the comments, give a little description of what makes it
good, whatever you have to do; prove to me that there’s something worthwhile
out there. I know there is, but the fact
that I’m consistently exposed to dreck has left me weary and jaded. I need someone like you (a presumably-brilliant
and beautiful young warrior noble) to guide me to something good. Tell all, speak all, discuss all; give me
something to look forward to, or check out on my own. Give me a reason to believe in the genre, or to know the true meaning of fear and despair. Show me that I’ve been missing out on the
good stuff.
I’m in your hands now,
guys. Don’t let me down…and also, don’t
run me through with a chainsaw or machete.
I assume that would be relatively unpleasant.