Street Fighter V (Oh, and EVO Too)

It’s worth noting upfront that this post was written in advance of EVO 2015, AKA the latest installment of one of the biggest fighting game tournaments in the world.  It’s kind of a shame, because it’d be cool to report on a couple of the blow-by-blow matches, or revel in the hype that’s sure to transpire (anybody remember the Garireo vs. Dogura grand finals in BlazBlue?  I sure do).  On the other hand, this post is more about Street Fighter V than it is about EVO, so it evens out.

I’m also working under the assumption that there’ll be a new character announced there at some point, so this might be outdated mere minutes after it goes live.  So hey, maybe we’ll find out who that guy at the end of Ken’s reveal trailer was supposed to be.  On that note?  Seriously, guys?  You look at that him and say, “Oh, that’s E. Honda” or “Yeah, Akuma’s back” when he’s got almost nothing in common between them?  Come on.  Let’s at least try to use a little reason, yes?

But enough of that.  Let’s get right to it.

Thank You, Mr. Iwata

They say that when big news drops, whatever you were doing gets frozen in time -- like there’s a snapshot that’ll always be a reminder of where you were when it happened.  In my case?  I had just plopped down in front of my computer after some unfortunate business involving a dog, a bathroom, and a fair bit of wiping.

Had I known what had happened, or what I was about to read, I would have dropped everything beforehand to say a prayer, or light a candle, or something.  But I didn’t.  Now I know what happened, and just how big of a loss we’ve suffered.

So.  I guess I’d better make up for it, huh?

Let’s discuss Splatoon (Part 2).

So I have a theory that everyone in Splatoon is secretly a cannibal.

Okay, maybe not everyone -- because I have my doubts that shopkeepers like Sheldon and Crusty Sean could even take a good bite out of someone.  But you’ve seen the Inklings by now, right?  Every time they open their mouths, they show off some seriously sharp chompers.  TV personalities Callie and Marie casually talk about eating seafood, and both of them wear sushi-style hats.  Chalk this up to headcanon, but are we 100% sure that Inklings that lose an Ink Battle aren’t eaten alive as punishment?

Maybe death just has no meaning for these undersea people (who live on the surface for some reason).  They reincarnate endlessly during an Ink Battle, after all.  But it may go further than that; lose a battle and go back to the lobby, and you’re a different color than when you started -- so maybe the losing Inkling got devoured, and you start playing as a substitute.  Or if you win and go back to the lobby, you play as an Inkling who dug your original Inkling’s fresh styles, and adopted his/her outfit to pay tribute (and try to look cool).  That’s probably not the case, but hey.  It gets the gears going.

In some ways, that might be what makes Splatoon secretly great -- because even in the absence of an hours-long narrative, I can’t help but feel excited by the game’s world.    Learning more about it?  That’d be preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty coooooooooooooooooool.

Let’s discuss Splatoon (Part 1).

Really?  Are you actually reading this?  Like, you’re seriously ready to read a post on Splatoon?

You know I could pretty much say #GoodGuyNintendo and end things right here, right?  Is there anything more that needs to be said?  Is there?

*sigh* All right, let’s do this.

Anime Was (Probably Not) a Mistake

It’s worth noting right of the bat that the whole “anime was a mistake” meme was based on a misattribution of a Hayao Miyazaki quote/interview, so it’s not as if the whole medium is being condemned by the most notable and credible geniuses in the field.  Well, not directly, at least.  Except when they kind of are.  But not really!  But sort of?

Well, let’s cut right to the heart of the matter.  No, anime was not a mistake.  I know it’s easy to be down on anything and everything these days and seek solace in the past, but even if anime has its problems these days, it’s not as if the medium is worthless.  Or, if you prefer, DOOOOOOOOOOOMED.

That all said?  MAN, are there some serious issues.  So let’s talk about them -- by which I mean it’s time to vent my frustration over the severe lack of little brothers.  Seriously, anime.  Why only little sisters?

What Makes You “Feel” for a Story?

So I saw The Lego Movie not too long ago, and I’ve never been filled with more rage.

Not because I didn’t like it, mind you; I think it’s amazing.  But if you’ve been reading this blog for long, you may know that when it was in theaters, I didn’t go to see it; instead, I went to go see the 2014 remake/reboot/repugnance that was RoboCop, as tribute for my brother’s birthday.  Calling it a miserable experience would be an understatement.  But now I’m mad all over again because instead of going to see a movie with incredible visuals, impressive action, intelligent design, and a final act that puts the whole story in a brand new light, I and other people saw cinematic tripe.  And unlike me, some people willingly chose to see RoboCop.   Because nostalgia.  Or because “it’s mature”.

My blood’s about to boil through my skin.  So let’s move on to the topic that’s been on my mind: how stories get you to feel something.  Besides a blinding maelstrom of fury, of course.

My Dad is the Best in the Universe

Let me begin with a confession: I love heroes.

Real heroes, fictional heroes, super heroes, normal heroes, whatever -- if there’s a guy out there serving justice or upholding virtue, then I’m all over that.  I consider it a welcome twist of fate whenever one of the posts on this blog lets me talk at length about one of those heroes; Captain America’s a pretty good example, least of all because of the courage it takes to fight crime in what amounts to themed pajamas.  By the same token, I bemoan my fate whenever one of my posts has me talking about characters who are practically villains posing as heroes -- which comes up distressingly often in video games these days for some reason.  I don’t know, blame the government.  Everyone else does.

So while I’m usually the sort to focus on fiction, I think it’s high time for a change of pace.  Indulge me for a moment; let me pay my respects to the real world -- and more importantly, to celebrate his birthday, I have to honor my dad.  Who, as the title implies, is actually the best in the universe.  And it’s up to me to prove, conclusively, irrefutably, and 100% truthfully, exactly why that’s the case.

Now then.  Time to talk about Idris Elba.

Final Fantasy 7: All the Silliest

You know what gamers need?  Some kind of official poll system.

We may all identify under the hobby, but the collective is such a fractured mess that even the most basic classification is rough.  I’m a fan of Destructoid, for example, but there are others who frequent Polygon, others who prefer USGamer, and yes, even those who like IGN.  How do you get them to come together?  To even begin to acknowledge one another’s opinions, gathered in a conclusive format?  A universal poll -- one where all gamers vote on topics and see where their brethren stand on an issue.  It’ll never happen, of course, but it’s nice to think about as a way to offer up some perspective.

I only ask for that poll because I’d like to have proof that gamers aren’t just a massive mob of hypocrites…even if it seems like they kind of are.  “Give us something new and original!” they cry out -- and then Call of Duty and Assassin’s Creed still make mad money. “They’re just trying to win us over with brand names and nostalgia!” they rage -- while games built on brand names and nostalgia get funded in hours, if not minutes, via Kickstarter.  “Enough with the remakes and remasters!” they yell to the heavens.

And then everyone loses their minds over a Final Fantasy 7 remake -- which is a dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, silly, silly, dumb idea.  And also dumb.

E3 2015: Leaving the Engine Running

Far be it from me to conform to traditions -- but I’m gonna go ahead and conform to traditions, and do yet another post on E3.  Why?  Presumably, because I enjoy the metaphorical bashing of my head against a brick wall.

Well, that’s more hyperbole than anything, but I have to be honest: I’m starting to sympathize with anyone who thinks E3 is stupid or pointless.  Or the conferences, at least; I don’t know about you, but I feel like a lot of these conferences would be a lot better if they were half as long at a bare minimum.  That way, there’s no need to pad out the run time.  They can keep their focus.  They can use their time judiciously.  Maybe not waste time at a video game convention by bringing an aged soccer player in for a minutes-long interview. 

But let’s not worry about what’s already passed (or will probably happen again next year).  Let’s dip our feet into this great big vat of video games.

Jurassic World: Superbeast

Boy, do I hate being right all the time.

…See?  I can reference twenty-year-old movies, too.

More SPOILERS here than there are cells in the body.  Read at your own risk -- unless you just love dinosaurs that much.  Can’t blame you, in all honesty.  ANKYLOSAURS 4 LYFE.